Flaming June's Love

I received alot of nice things this holiday season. I am posting some pics of my favorite things. My inlaws came over last night and we exchanged gifts. They have always been very generous to me and the girls even though they are not their biological grandchildren. Jack is the apple of their eyes though. They brought thoughtful gifts for the girls and Andy and I. My father in law is an avid collector as am I. I love antiques and the history behind any piece of furniture, jewelry, china, literature, anything old. He knows this and brought me a wonderful gift. It is an antique rocker built in 1830. The chair is so comfortable I cannnot put into words. It seems to fit my body perfectly. There is not a single squeak and my feet touch the floor perfectly for a rocker. It is painted blue with natural oak arms. I absolutlely adore it and cant wait to rock our boy in it tonight. I sat there before and just imagined the Mothers before me for generations rocking their babies that ...

A dear friend of mine called yesterday to see how our holiday went. Pam and I have been friends for 15 years. We chatted and caught up on all the news. She then said she had to tell me something and she didnt want me to get upset. uhoh.... She prefaced everything with she loves me, would not say or do anything intentionally to hurt me. ok hit me. She and her husband were here for my dads funeral and then came to visit again in October. She noticed how much weight I have gained and is worried about me and the condition of my heart. As we all know I had heart attacks and bypass a year and half ago. The most frightening thing ever in my life. I know that the worst thing for me is to be gaining so much weight, and I know better. I swear I am addicted to food now that I dont smoke. I told my mom about it and she agreed, I really need to get back to the gym and she wants to go to Weight watchers. I need to do it for my kids my husband, and mostly for myself.

We had a beautiful day. Mt children and husband were all happy to receive and most of all to give to one another. I have attached a few photos from the am and hope to pull up a few more. I received a beautiful charm bracelet, and new watch. Both are gorgeous and a surprise. perfume, and socks, a chocolate fountain a new throw blanket from Allie. We spent the day at my moms with my brother and the families. ate alot and chitchatted. My Father was missed but we didnt bring it up. I wrote out a card for him and put it on his box. I cried and toldhim we missed him but we will be ok. I hope anyone that reads this has a beautiful holiday season and a blessed new year.

Here we go... The holiday is officially starting. My brother has arrived from Syracuse with his family and they are at my Moms now. We had chinese food for dinner to just have something to do so as to not talk to much. Tears are so close to the surface for all of us that too much talk is sure to trigger something. For example during dinner my brother mentioned a christmas from our childhood, the tradition of opening only one gift from a family member on christmas eve. I looked at my mom and she was looking down. I know we are going through hard times without Dad but we have to keep moving. Dave.. The oldest brother dramatic, sensitive, 12 years recovery, very very opinionated. Rick.. wild at heart, the trouble child, the most dear friend my Dad had. short tempered, smart, analytical Dan.. Mother to t he tea, quiet, thoughtful, smart, sensitive, handsome, committed. Me.. The baby, dont know, you would know better. Rick lives in New Mexico and wont be in for the holiday, I mis...

This year I was able to buy everything I wanted to for the children and the family. I know my husband knew I was hurting and didnt put a spending limit on me. I didnt go nuts but I did get the girls jewelry and clothes and shoes and toys. Money doesnt change anything but I believe the "things" will make us all happier to RECEIVE. I sooo enjoyed looking for everyone else. Special stuff for my mom and stuff for my mother inlaw. My brothers we got books with sentimental value. All is well. Andy is changing his job and will be working closer to home for now on. I am happy about that. We will be gettting a new home soon and I will like having him home. Jack is also loving up fhis Daddy more and More. everyday he sees his dad he hugs and kisses him and just loves him to pieces. My girls are fine. Missi is at the mall with her posse, and Allie is working. Her boyfriend is home from college so she is back to being her happy self all the time. Young love. I will write a...

My husband calls me tater, you know like a potato. Long story but unknowingly someone heard him call me that and they took it as an insult. They believed he was calling me fat. Trust me he would never do that. I could be fatter than fat and he would nt say the words. I spent the day wrapping gifts at a friends place. My Mom watched Jack and the girls were at school. I spent the day in the back office of their shop and listened to their office run for the day. I liked it. People coming in and out and chatting all day, friendly kind of business. I wouldnt like the "snobby" people that come in but I am typically friendly and chatty my kind of work. Any way I spent 4 hours wrapping gifts and still am not done. I have finished Andys stuff, and most of allies, Missi's are all different shapes and sizes so more difficult to get wrapped. jacks things are toys, big trucks, police cars, hummers, puzzles, blocks, leapfrog, wooden trains, tracks, books, I have alot to do....

Blessings are all around me. Healthy beautiful children. I adore them and all they bring to my life. I am rich with people that love me. I have friends that think of me on a daily basis and want only the best for me. I have a husband that I cant put into words the impact he has had on my life. I still get an excited butterfly in my belly when he least expects it. His eyes are golden brown, sparkling deep rich bronze. They see through me and into me. I cried last night, cried hard and long. He held me, rubbed my back and kissed my neck. Whispered in my ear he loves me and will always love me. I curled into his arms and pulled my knees up and he wrapped himself around me. The most lifechanging thing ever said to me I believe are his words of "You are my life" I puzzled and he repeated. My life is with you and about you and what we are together. I want to be with him, He makes me laugh hard. Love hard and I trust him. I can close my eyes and smell him when he ...

I have been looking at lyrics, poems, prayers, something to help put into words the loss that I feel. When I say lonely isnt a four letter word I mean there are worse things than lonely. Bitter, resentful, angry, I am lonely for the person that truly understands me. My Father truly did. I have had some really really bad times in my life, he knew them. Tucked them away and never brought them out unless I was going in the wrong direction. An honest friend that knew the truth and still had my best future in mind. I was lying in bed tonight and thought how can never be defined. How can I never hang with him again, never hear his voice, never see him with my children? I am hurting tonight, this morning and will be for a long time.

A friend in need is a friend indeed. I am already feeling the loss of my dear friend Maryellen. I waa there again this evening and she is 80 pounds. We used to laugh together about who was fatter and we would laugh and have a beer and discuss our snacks and goodies for the weekend. We played cards every weekend for about a year when the girls were at an age when they didnt go anywhere so we hung out together. A strage bubch we turned out to be. Tim and I got divorced, Keith and cathy got divorced and Keith is now living with his significant other, a man! Then there is John and Maryellen. Still together and still in love. She is suffering and complaining of pressure and burning in the rectum. She is on two Morphine patches and two Vicodan every two hours. Sleepy, in pain, and not complaining. I want to do more for her, but what to do I dont know. Why am I here? Why is she days away from death, and not complaining. I made her a bouquet of Christmas flowers and ever...

We are going to look at a house at 4pm. I have been so excited to check this particular house out. I love older homes and their character. The one we will be looking at today is about 70 y>o> and has sooo much character. Three fireplaces, 4 bedrooms, marble floor in the dining room, florida room, balcony off the second floor. So many built ins and character charm abounds. I am truly hoping this is the one. Andy encourages me not to rush into anything but we are bursting at the seams here. My fear withthis house the size of the kitchen, 10x10? How can that be unless it is just the basics with a dining room that is almost attached. We will see. We have property we could build on we still might I dont know what will happen. One thing ata time. Jack is chilling out and I am getting my house cleaned bit by bit. So I am still in jammie pants and t shirt. Hope no one shows up!

Now that Jack is feeling better we have been able to get out and get some shopping done. We have been out everyday this week. One of the perks of being a stay at home mom at this point is that luxury. I was working as a single mom of two girls and scratching my ass for money and wouldnt go back there for anything. Although the rewards of seeing MY OWN STUFF worked for paid for and enjoyed by ME. Anyway I know and appreciate how lucky I am at this point to be at home. I saw a woman at the grocery store today I haven seen in years and of course she asked about Jack and how my girls were. All was well with her. Anyway she said wishes she had taken a chance again after her divcorce and tried to meet someone. I told her it is never too late to meet someone and fall in love. She was teary eyed and said she was lonely because of Christmas. I encouraged her to get out to night school, hobbies, bookstores, book club, dance lessons, on line dating, church, the local Lowes, home depo...

I cant put into words what this child did and continues to do to me on a daily basis. I literally died three days after his birth. I had no idea what it meant to love someone "to death". I do now. I believe he was brought to this earth for more than just the reasons I can imagine. There is something else inhis little soul. Something behind the eyes that are the bluest I have ever seen. You can see the soul of him in there. My heart stopped beating and I saw the other side for a fdew monets. No tunnel or anything just my gransfather telling it wasnt time yet. I need to rrealize my gift of life. Instead of rehashing my faults and errors, I need to move ahead and LIVE. I have gratitude, just not enough. I have been humbled, but not everyday humility. How can I doubt my purpose with those eyes looking at me everyday, and loving me for just me.?

OK so years ago I worked for a particular physician that I found to be charming, intelligent and extremely intelligent. He and I had a rapport that was really quite amazing. I worked well with him and could almost tell what he needed and wanted before he asked. We worked in detox together so addicts are usually unpredictable and we had a routine that worked well. He was devoted to his "family" which consisted of his girlfriend and her two daughters. We never got together or anyhting outside of work as couples but often talked about getting the girls togehter and hang out or something. I hadnt heard or seen him in a few years until one day this summer I saw him, he looked awful and told me that he and "Cathy" had broken up. Sorry to hear that, blah blah. Tonight I get a call from the DON from that same facility after about 6 months to find out how I am doing since the loss of my dad and the her dad died and all kinds of shit- ANYWAY- I told her I saw Dr. X and ...

Andy, Jack and I went to the Armory today for the family of soldiers luncheon. It was very nice and lots of people with their soldiers. Jack got to see santa and we got a few pics on his lap. He was a good boy. While we were out Tim and the girls got the christmas tree and put it up with lights and trimmings it is pretty. The other decorations are slowly getting together so all is well. I sm feeling ok today. I really dont know what I would do without my husband he so supportive. I think he has just grown into this amazing man. He always looked and acted like a man, just didnt have the heart yet. This little boy has changed him, and I hope I have had some good to do with the change as well. I have loved him every minute since I met him. We are not perfect but I think when we fight we are as passionate as when we make up. In a good way. I know in the past we have had our bad hard times but that is a long time ago. We are a team and I love him.

The pic of the girls makes them look "tough" that is as tough as they get pretty funny I think at 7 am before school. The other pic is of Allie and her BF Joey. He is away at college but will be home for the holidays . Hes a good kid so I dont complain.

Was invited to and enjoyed attending a cookie party. Yup cookies by the dozen. I makde eight dozen cookies, one for each person attending and they each did the same. We all arrive at Alice's house and exchange our dozens and everyone goes home with eight dozen different cookies for the holidays. What is the good part well we drank wine and talked and drank wine and giggled and laughed out loud and reminisced. All good things at this point. Jack has been sick the past week with a wicked ear infection which made him even more of a bugger in the sleep area. He is right now up in our bed with Daddy. They are snuggled under the blankets with the arms over their heads identical. He looks more like his Dad everyday and I like it. The only thing distinctive of me is the blue eyes. I hope to attach a recent photo. The girls are fine Missi is at a sleepover and Allie got kicked last night while cheering . She has a sore chest muscle and is having trouble raising her arm. I had ...

I am in very bad space today. I miss my father in a desperate way. I am feeling his absence more and more everyday. What hit me today I dont know. I guess the holidays arent helping but my down time is consumed by thoughts of What is he thinking ? where is he? Is he afraid or lonely? My faith has taught me since childhood that heaven is a paradise that words cant explain. I believe, but how can he be without us and still be happy? We were his whole life, my children, my mother my brothers their families. He didnt go a day without a call or something concerning all of us. The last few days of his life he fought hard to stay. I knew he wasnt ready. The last day he was peaceful. But I held his hand and didnt want to let him go. How do you say goodbye to someone that was an example of courage and grace. A daily reminder of what I wanted to be. My Dad was raised by his single mother who had him at 40 y.o. He didnt have a dad (living) and was on his own for his upbringing. ...

Allie and I go tot he mall. I have 100 dollars to spend on me. That never happens, I always spend it on something or someone else. So I go directly to my fav store, B Moss. OK so the secret is out I am a yuppie dressing scarf wearing hat donning 40 yr old woman. I love the sweaters that are turtleneck, wide legged wool pants, vests, and a cool hat. I am famous for my black beret, you know you have to feel those things in order to wear them. So we are eagerly shopping me in the size 12 and up , she in the 3,5's. ( lttle shit!!!!) I ask her If she felt that? felt what that that that whooosh I utter whooosh and it comes from the back to the front, cool tight air, champagne bottle whoosh I feel the urge to grab my 5'8" baby and dive under the rack of knee length wrap around grey sweaters. I look around everyone is looking at each other and we all grin and hold badk the OH SHIT LETS RUN My take charge gal says Mom put everything down lets get out of here and into the...

She appears to be looking at me- she knows everything and says its ok. Do the best you can and everything will be alright. This is a photo of a stained glass window. I found it obscurely and love her. She might be a little sad but that is her. all is well.

I guess I should know my life is pretty good if my blog entry is about my sons runny nose. Ho woke up yesterday with the rosy cheeks of sickness. If you have a child with the telltale just "slapped cheeks with fever" you know how pitiful they look. Runny nose red cheeks, cough, and just miserable attitude. I attempt to approach the boy with a tissue for the river of snot on his upper lip, he grabs what he is doing and goes the other way, running in his 15 month old way! Of course he is voicing his distaste for anything tissuelike approaching anywhere near his face by verbalizing his fathers familiar gggrrrrrrr.. Currently he is watching Sesame drinking a bottle of water and pretty content. Andy is in NYC this week and working hard. He is considering changing his job to something so he wont be away so often. We are in process of rearranging some money inorder to buy a home and I am concerned that a change will affect our loan possibilities. Anyway Andy has always bee...

Im not in the mood tonight. For writing, talking, laughing, sex, and most of all Christmas. Music everywhere. Ill be home for Christmas. hmmmm I dont think so.

I have a date tonight!!!! Yup I am meeting with my Mom and cousins and Aunt for a night of poker with the girls. We did this about a month ago and we were all so happy to spend some time together that we were out til after 1 am. I enjoy all of their company and we inherently laugh most of the night reminiscing. Isnt it intersting how the family that is in another generration nopw dont seem to be that much older we all go together after a certain point. I think it is 40. yup that is the turning point. I am playing cards tonight with my aunt who is in her 80's and then all the way down to me. with 12 in between. It sounds corny but I enjoythem. I am now begining the christmas stuff. I mentioned the outside christmas lights to Andy and he got them out for me. I usually cant wait to get them up but I am a little slow this year but have resigned myself to the "fake it til you make it" theory. Fake being jolly, merry and filled with yule (whatever that is) until I rea...

I am thankful: I have been loved by someone everysingle minute of my life. I came to that conclusion today. I was feeling sorry for myself and sad for what I am missing or moreso who I am missing. I then began trying to "count my blessings" I have been loved every second of my life. I may not have been lovable but as a parent I KNOW I have been loved by my parents. I have loved my siblings everysecond of my life. As have they me. My kids have loved me though they may not know it right now! My husbands yes both of them have loved me. they always will. I can think of three friends that I could ask right now if they LOVE me they would say yes. Now I know that I have been in Love with people or loved qualities about them, but to truly love someone else never goes away. Did I fall out of love with Tim, my first husband, NO it just changed. I will always love him. Look at what we did together!!!!! these two girls that have the world at their fingertips because of their bra...

OK My best friend went to the "card lady" last night. You know the lady that has you shuffle the cards and choose one then tells you something good bad and indifferent about your past present and future! OK I believe in it when I like what she says, and phooey the whole thing when she isnt quite on the button. I choose to believe this time. Amy brought the tape over to myhouse so Icould hear what the woman had to say. She mentioned her (amy's) friend that has a irthday in June, Me and probably two others. Anyway the one who lost their father recently (Thats me!!!!) He is sad he cant comfort me but is waiting until I am stronger to visit (visit) with me. I may smell him in the meantime in the house or out soometime, just to let me know he is watching and he is fine. He remarked (yes he remarked!) that I was the apple of his eye and realizes I am hurting but I have to go through this. Interestingly I found some comfort in these messages. I think anything is comf...

Its been a few days since I posted, not that I m terribly busy but I do have things going on in my life. Today is Melissa's 15th birthday. I remember today as a cold dark morning tha I had to be at the hospital early for a shceduled C-section. Tim and I arrived and everything went beautifully. Until first the OB announced as he was delivering her head "W'eve got a boys face...Looks pretty boyish Tim..... Its a girl!!!!" He said OUT LOUD!!! AH SHIT!! I should have divorced him that day right there and then. I was sorta out of it and didnt hear the baby cry at first. waiting waiting waiting..... Tim was at my head and his tone changed to everything is going to be ok, its gonna be ok really. Turns out she aspirated upon delivery and was in respiratory distress. Our little pumpkin was blue and not moving. They rushed her out and intubated her quickly and flew her to CMC in Scranton. Iwas at Pocono where I was working at the time. My Mom was at our house i...

Okay I made a really excellent chicken dish for dinner, I found the jackdaniels barbecue recipe and did up a chicken for my family and my neighbors family. My friend at least the past 15 years whose daughter is the same age as mine, was diagnosed with colon cancer last January. They gave her three months since she let it go so long and here she is hanging in there but very tired and thin weak. I make enough for her and me her kids and mine. It is the least I can do for her. She stood by me when I went thrrough my divorce, always a shoulder tpo cry on and then was around for all the drama with Andy before we got married and so forth. She is one person I talk to everyday and look forward to the same talk everyevening. Dinner, the kids, husbands, what the baby is up to and "how we are feeling really." She is only fifty years old and can see the end is near. We dont actually tal;k abaout the end but she cries about not seeing her granchildren. I love her like a sister...

I read all of my posts and boy do I sound like a bummer. Truly I am not this down and out. But as I stated in the begining I will write what I want when.... This past weekend I went to Penn Stae with my oldest daughter and her boyfriend to a football game and then out for dinner and a few beers. (me not them OLOL) I was very (very) excited to meet a few guys that were in their late thirties and forties that wanted me to hang out with them at the bar. Here is how it went.... I went to the ladies room and had to walk past thebarto get back to our table. On the way I knocked a oat on the floor. A gentlemen made a joke I a chatted back and we just started talking. The game, why I was here , who I was with? "You two look like sisters, LOL LOL" I believe I was glowing truly radiant light pouring out of the top of my head. My quick wit and charm LOL just came right back to me. The other guys said lets grab a barstool for you sit with us... " OH GOD what did I do!" On no t...

Yes, I am. I am hurting still. I feel empty at times and wonder where does life go from here for ME. OK we all know "I have my children" husband, health, dog, I am grateful. BUT I want that one person that laughs when I say shnikeys. If I told him I was thinking about opening a business he would research it for me. Knowing full well that I have had many ideas in the past that dont work out, he encouraged me. Dad, POP, where exactly are you? Andy and I and the baby went to Barnes and Noble tonight. As usual I am in the grief, recovery section. Meander over to the m,usic and then hit the new in paperback section. I browse the cookbooks. (Christmas the Paula Deene holiday book) And wine for dummies. I got a pumpkin decaf latte' And purchased Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch. I hope it has the answers I am looking for. 1. I need to come to terms with this situation, hes not coming back is he? 2. Where the hell is he exactly if he is not coming back. 3. ...

Sunday morning quiet... Jack and I are ready for the day since his internal clock seems to like 6:00 lately. It is early but not as early as if I had to go to a real job. Some one out there could consider me a Politcally correct ignoramus but I have been in both places. A stay at home mom and a working mom and trust me staying home is much easier!!!! I was working in Dialysis prior to Jacks birth. I haad to be there at 5:30 am and was there until 4:30. I was on my feet 90% of the time and was feeling incredible amounts of stress. I cant imagine having to go there and still come home to a one year old. I am truly blessed. I havent talked much about my husband. Here it is I am married to a man named Andy. He is 6'2" dark salt and pepper hair, brown eyes, dimples, beautiful teeth and a presence that demands attention. That is one of the first things I thought when I saw him. "This guy is a character and a half" He is active in local politics, and the inside w...

I think the loss of my dad is becoming.... something else. I have been absorbed by thoughts of what we were and how we lived. I am now reminiscing a bit about those last few weeks. Could I have done anything different? NO. That man in the bed truly was my father. I am a registered nurse if you didnt already know and the condition of his body those last few days was horrid. Ventilator, central line in the neck and arm. Dialysis ports in the groin. NG tube in his nose. foley cath for urine, rectal tube for feces. horrible. and I never saw this man sick with more than a cold. How did this happen? where did this event begin and how the hell did it end this way. We talked to him for 17 days while the drs continued to tell us he would get better. they gave him a paralytic so he couldnt fight the vent and attempt to pull out his tubes. Did this break his courage. Nope I could see him in there the whole time. His soul was alive, he could hear us. I know when he gave up, it was ...

Wednesday all ready how time flies. Halloween was very nice with the children. Missi the middle child invited about 10 of her friends over prior to trick or treating and I truly enjoyed their company. She and her friends are the "smart, quirky" kids. I picture them as the ones you dont necessarily notice in high school but wehn these kids hit college man look out they will hit their stride. Smart, sharp, witty, unshaken by their differences. I love that in people. Have you met people that hit their prime already and now they are just hanging on. Whether they were HS athletes, or whatever. That is not this crowd. Allie my older daughter has friends that have hit their prime or are already in them. One in particular. She is so wrapped up in the HS drama that the college life I believe will just swallow her up. Allie will hit her stride Im thinking after college. In the work world and probably late twenties early thirties. She is just exceptionally pretty. I am n...

To whom it may concern: I am enclosing in this letter one shred of my soul. Please be aware that this small scrap is one of the last that I posess and will be looking forward to getting it back someday. Why you may ask am I sending it to you and your valuable staff? I want to be sure that when and if the time comes that I again feel empty and used up I can be sure to find that small piece. I am hoping that you will be able to return this piece to me whether it be in one day or years from now. I would like to inventory this piece by identfying its finer points. This piece of me contains self confidence, intelligence, a wickedly sharp sense of humor, flirtatiousness, intense sensuality and most of all passion. Passion in all senses of the word. Passion for love, life, people, art, literature and most of all music. I will label this piece sfp. Suzies finer points. I am working on generating more "soul" but if it does not succeed I will take comfort in knowing you pos...

I had two people respond and graciously give me advice on my "dad in the box" issue. I do spend about an hour parusing blogs during the day and often forget that there are people real people behind those words. I think as americans we spend so much time on the line of real and drama tv that personally I can have moments of "Are they real?" These two comments were real. two people that have lsot in their lives as well and I so appreciate their insight. Thank You . Her is the plan for the weekend. Take the fifteen year old daughter to Valley Forge PA to a convention with two of her friends. It is an Anime convention and if I have to explain just shoot me dead in my tracks. Missi isa very artistic young woman and loves the asian influence of artists in animation. It is truly a "movement" now Characters that have depth and real attitude. So as a Birthday gift I will take her and two of her friends to a hotel tonight swimming pool dinner movies kind o...

Well that familiar tooth third from the back on the right lower is gone. It is now in a little bag on the shelf in the kitchen. Why you may ask is it there>? Hell if I know. Does anyone have a loved one that was cremated? If so write back and give me some suggestions on how to deal with the fact that my father all 210 pounds of him that I loved for forty years every freckle scar and sparkle in his eye is now ina box on the shelf in my moms room. I believe that his spirit is "somewhere else" but stiill his body all that I reference to him being him is in that box. Im a tangled emotional mess. I would visit him often if he was in a cemetary and could bring him flowers and notes pictures just between us, but with him in that BOX (YES SOME ANGER HERE BOX!!!!) I am stunted feel like I dont want to upset anyone so I dont go up there. Now the cremation was my dads idea and we did everything he wanted. But yikers. Show me a place where I can just specific spot to crunch do...

My last post was in a bad space for me... I am still fat but hey thats ok for today. 9not really but Im dealing) My husband is a salesman and is on the road most of the week. Last week he had to be ib oston for a few days and asked if I wanted to come along.I had never been so the boychek and I went along. We truly had a nice time. CXhildrens museum, BMA, Regatta, great pubs to look into the windows of, great food and cool p[eople watching. I enjoyed it. Only bad part was I had the worst toothache of my life. I am terrible about going to the dentist and no one can tell I have bad teeth other than my dentist. So 1030 tues am it wqill be yanked. I am feeling good on the inside and know I am going to be ok. Missing you Dad. Loving my kids more everyday. Learning more about my husband everyday and I like him!!!! yeah.

OK so I am talking to myself today and we decided that I am no longer me. truly I am not me anymore and I think I wouldnt recognize myself if I met me 5 years ago. OK here goes. I am decidedly fat. I have never been fat. always the tall glamorous looking one. not bragging but truthfully. I still love clothes but nothing looks good on me. I feel fat and look worse I think. This by the way has nothing to do with my husband he is attentive to me sexually and all too eager to satisfy me in any way he can. He is enthusiastic about my body and has me convinced he is happy. He has paid for me to got o the gym aand I have a membership I just havent gone. why ??? babysitter, partly, depressed "I am fat just live with it." Lazy yes. sad yes. I think I have to just go and not contemplate what else I could be doing other than walking on the treadmill. I will make an effort tomorrow. I promise. second thought for the day, No one will ever meet my dad and say so that i...

To regret something means to me that you would change the occasion or outcome of an event. Well I regret since 1991. I have always lived with the belief that things happen for a reason but I am feeling ;like a trainwreck lately. I am grieving the loss of my father, yet I am also grieving the loss of at least the first half of my life. I am not what I had hoped to be. Singularly, me, alone, I am not what I wanted to be. I do have alot of gratitude for the childrren never regret them or their outcome. If I have had anything to do with their successes I would be grateful. I would have been seems futile at this point-What I intend to be seems more hopeful and optimistic huh? I have days when I want to run with my son and sell everything and ge4t a tiny apartment and just "be". Then other days I am happy with the wife mom position. Prior to meeting my second husband I haaaad plans to graduate my girls and sell it all and move to a city with just a bicycle as a mode of t...

How does today look so far? okay from here. Andy will be back today which is a good thing. Tonight is the homecoming bonfire at the girls school and Allie is in the homecoming court-- okay for those of you not up to speed on your HS stuff LOL that means that she was chosen by her senior class to be one of the five girls in the running for homecoming queen! Is that exciting or not! I could be the queen mum!!!!! All the more reason to get out and gwet something new for Jack and I for saturday nights football game. I am feeling better following my last post. I was very upset by the comments made on the womans site but I realize that is done now. Not too much else going on just going to jump into the shower now and get ready for the day.

I have had a beautiful wekend. Right now Jack is happily watching Sesame street Missi is sleeping soundly on the couch , My husband is sleeping and here I am recounting the good things in my life. Have all things been good and great no not always. Have I made mistakes absolutely. regrets..? yes. Can I change them nope.. learn alot..? yes. To make a long story short, after having a broken heart and truly being broken, I confided in someone I thought was a friend. And actually up until this morning I still thought waas friend. We had been through something that only women can understand. cheating husbands and boyfriends. The view and emotional damage attached to that is not the same as effects for men. Anyway, she and I compared notes, shared feelings and I thought got past some of the hurt TOGETHER. When you are hurting like that you can make some bad choices and even not see people for what and who they are even though people tell you they are bad. Iwas warned, given exampl...

I went for a walk this evening Jack and I. As I said this am it was an exceptionally beautiful day here. The evening remains equally memorable. Twl things to remember so I will write them here. 1. The light on the trees at 6:45 was tremendous. setting reddish harvest sun in the west. threw light on amber trees that I swear I havent ever seen before. If I knew how or what the color was I would paint my liffe with it. I dont know if it was so much the "color" as the "light". Ok here is the thoughtful side of it,.... Could that be my Dad? Could he be in "heaven" and shining a light down on Jack and I so that we feel something good? Did his face pop into my mind habitually or intentionally inspired by a greater being, force, power? Did I get that grateful to be alive feeling by encouragement or by habit.? I miss my dad on a daily basis. He and Mom lived up the street so seeing him 3-4 times a day was not unusual so when I say I have lost a const...

Dear GOD, Thank you for such a gorgeous fall day. The sun is shining, the leaves are the first sign of change, the hint of a light green to soon turn those magical colors of northeast fall. I was able to get into my own car today on my own feet and with strength and enthusiasm and wrestled my healthy happy 1 yr old son into his carseat and went to the grocery store. That is where I realized that I have enough money to buy food that intriques me, freshest fruits and vegetables for my children, and still have money left over. Jack and I drove with the music playing windows open and breathed in chilly fresh air. Smell of leaves cut grass and images of a hot cup of pumpkin spice coffee. I sit here now on the computer, my home is clean, I am healthy, my oldest children are at school, a private high school where they are getting one of the best educations possible in this area. I am so grateful. I have had loss the past few years bu I am encouraged, positive, grateful and ready to li...

Tuesday and all is well. My exhusband was over today toclose the family pool. I guess its an unusual relationship, when it comes to typical divorced couples. I like him. I always liked him, and to be honest I still love him but more like a longtime family member that just "is". I was with my ex for 15 years, since I was 17 myself so life before him is almost nonexitant. I dont think I discovered who I was or what I wanted until after we broke up. Sadly enough I didnt know how much I liked him until after he was gone, and truly I probably could have stayed happy with him had I met him when I was older to realize what is truly important. Thats the past, now I am remarried to a man that is so totally opposite of my first husband. Loving and verbal obviously loves me. People I hardly know say they never saw a man so in love. "With me?, why. " I ask him that often why I am nothing special. But to him I am. that is all that matterts right. right.

Saturday rain had always been a bummer until now. I like being "stuck" in the house with the kids and my husband. Kinda lazy snuggly I like it. My oldest daughter has a football game today to cheer at and then have a sleepover. My younger daughter Missi the computer girl, will be here until she has some friends over tonight. Obviously Jack and I will be in my room bonding over green eggs and ham the one fish two fish book. Andy ( my husband) is going to drink beer tonight with hus buddy. There was atime in our relationship when I would stay up and think about what he was "up to" I dont think like that anymore. Since my heartattack and the birth of our son he has been the most attentive and committed man on the planet. I truly love him from the deepest part of my heart. He was the last thing I saw before I went to surgery and the first after I finally woke up. OK gonna have to run I am boring arent I. LOL

I am wearing my favorite Universiity of Pennsylvania sweatshirt and Jack has on a white turtleneck with blue jeans. It is officially chilly today. So as I usually do I cook for the weather!!! what? well I cook for the weather. Obviously today is a chicken soup day. So the stock and chicken carrots and veggies are simmering in the kitchen as we speak. I also put an apple pie together this am. Some women shop for shoes, handbags, I am a grocery store junkie. Recipes, fresh stuff and primarily baking is one of my things. My husband is a great eater!!!! My daughters dont eat much but they are teenage girls. I cook for comfort for everyone. Nothing ever felt better to me than homecooking. I am feeling better today I think I just get sad at night when things quiet down. I really am just wanting to feel better. Hopefully my daughter will help me download a few kid pics to share. OK I will write again later. http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c255/Kyuujutsukun/missipic.jpg http://i29.photobucke...

Well- I remember wathcing Greys anatomy at the end of last season and crying. I cried for the lost love between Izzy and Denny. But more than that I cried for myself. A year ago I suffered massive heart attack and barely survived emergency heart surgery. My body has been recovering but my spirit has not. I want to live but dont go desperately outof my way to accomplish a long and healthy life. I dont smoke, but also dont exercise. I dont eat right and have gained a more than a few pounds in the past year. Depression maybe a little. Hopelessness, maybe a little. but I truly think I am just getting by. I know that when I die It will be an ok thing. I am not afraid to die actually look forward to the day with optimism and interest. I am not suicidal but really in a mood where if it happened tomorrow other than my kids being motherless and husband being a widow and alot of sad people, selfishly.... I would be ok with the whole thing. If you read any of my other posts you know ...

A night alone is something I get frequently, most married women dont get these but I have a husband that is refered to as a "road warrior". He is a salesman and travels all week on the east coast. How do I feel about having the week to myself with the kids and dog in our home. Fine, happy, satisfied, grateful. yup yup and yessirreee!!!!!! I love my husband very much and dont know what I would do without him but..... I was alone with my girls for quite a few years prior to my second marriage so working and living on my own is quite comfortable. Only difference this time is that Jack is with me during the day and at night. I am a BAD MOMMY!!!!! While my husband has been on the road since Jacks birth I have brought him into bed with me when hubby is away. bad bad girl I know and now I am paying for it. Not that I care if he sleeps with me til hes 5 but hubby wants room in the bed when he gets home on Friday. well dont blame him really, but boy it is hard to break a ba...

My motivation, lets see... I am a sad person at this point. If you put it all on paper I have it all. I have an attentive handsome husband. beautiful healthy children. I am moderately healthy, considering having had open heart surgery one year ago following a heart attack following the birth of our son. ( Yeah sounds dramatic huh!LOL). Anywaysssss... ( as the kids would say) My dear father passed away a month ago and my broken heart has more cracks and divets than ever. Have you ever met someone that you knew was special before they even opened their mouth? That was him. He had a sparkle in his eye even when not trying. I am the youngest of four children and the only girl. So I was always loved and cared for but being the fourth whether boy or girl there isnt much time. My father worked all the time for us and my mom was and remains the most well put together, organized, planner ever. long story short, My heart hurts. I miss my friend, My daily laugh, my daily refle...

Well, here goes the beginning of my blogging experience. A few rules I will lay down for myself... 1.) be honest with my feelings 2.) I will write what, where, when and how I want with out regard to who may be reading. 3.) My life feels boring at times to me but to someone else my experience may be helpful so I will do my best. OK here I am. Lets see how it goes.