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The sky looks different when you have people up there

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 Today I picked up Owen from his summer camp.  He was happy and chatting about his day like a chirping bird from the back seat.  The emotion and drama that goes into this stories is not created or displayed, it is felt and burst forward so you feel it with him as he recreates a story so eloquently. As we were driving down the mountain he said, "which cloud do you think is heaven?" I haven't thought of clouds being heaven in a very very long time. I took a quick glance out my window and saw puffy white, a few long stretched from the front to the back and then a patch of clouds that were small dots all close together and making a pattern almost a field of flowers appearance. I said I think heaven may be in those clouds that are all tight together and dotted like a field of flowers. his response Oh Nanny I love you for saying that.  I was thinking Nanabird was in the big puffy ones but you might be right. We spoke with my Uncle Bernie the other day and that brought me t...
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Valentine 2026

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 2026... I will be 60. 60 is pretty old.  Is it what I expected? I never imagined being 60 or getting this far actually.  I would love to say I will live to 80, and at this point I don't know I just might!  20 years ago I was dead and have thought every single day since then that I was dying that day.  Wasted time and energy, since obviously I am still here. Classic Suzie though.  Worry about something that never happens.   This picture I sent to Jack the other day after he sent me this. I  I love getting photos from the boy.  It is very strange that I can go hours and even close to days without thinking about him for too long.  Our agreement is that we text at night just a thumbs up that we are both still fine.  He is almost halfway through college.  He was on the Deans list last semester.   Yep the boy that I worried would never be able to live a productive life is out there doing the college thing.  ...
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"Wait til you hear this" Times up

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Friday night I am hosting my book club.  I have been cooking and prepping for a week.  Firstly because we had snow and cooking has always been the thing to do while it snows.  Then compound with a crew of ladies coming to discuss a book at my house offers up to be a full blown exciting stress fest.  Yet still top notch cool.  This picture is the full container of blueberries for my blueberry buckle for book club.  on my dirty floor. I swept them all up and threw them out with my new broom.  The broom is a Christmas gift from Allie since my previous broom looked like 1972.  It is actually 2010.  which is still pretty old.  I missed two blueberries and apparently stepped on them which has now left a blue stain on the hardwood floor.  Not forever I would assume, but still notable.  The sound of the berries hitting the floor are just as you imagined a sweet plunk. plunk plunk plunk. When I went to Amys Memorial service there were p...
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Sleep

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 I had a man in my life at one point that was 13 years older than I was.  He was "worldly" in my very impressionable heart and mind.   He introduced me to Flaming June and gave me a lifelong compliment which actually led to the title of this blog.  He told me that I resembled Flaming June while I slept.  If you're trying to figure out where a when this man was in my life, don't bother.  He was where he shouldn't have been, but was exactly what I needed. Anyway back to sleep topic.  I was able to fall asleep as if turning off a light, with a dimmer.  My Sleep would approach me as an idea, without words.  I could be anywhere and Sleep would snuggle up to me as as a melancholy or an old friend without a name.   Whether I was at work, home, with he kids, with a spouse Sleep was an intimacy who followed me around everywhere I went. Of course once the girls were born Sleep had their children as well.  I had my Sleep and my girls...
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Ayla

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 When I was in High School my best friend was Amy.  I don't remember how we met or where, but somehow we just clicked.  I believe it was probably on the patio where in the 1980's you could go outside and smoke cigarettes with your friends on free mods or breaks.  Yep those were the days.   We were in 10th grade which made us 15.  I smoked Parliament light 100's  with the recessed filters (IYKYK) and she smoked Benson and Hedges.  She was a cheerleader that was so far from the "cheerleader" type it would crack us up.  We wrote notes in those days, scraps of paper that we would purge our daily trials onto, fold in some triangular football shape and pass to one another in the hall.  We could fill a note throughout the day and then I would throw it into a box for the ages to find someday.  We were able to talk endlessly about music, people, boyfriends, animals, school, college, parents, divorce, siblings, hours of chat.  We al...
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The Kiss

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  It has been 75 days. When I went to bed at night I would cry, every night.  My Mom would begin the process of "bedtime" at least 30 minutes before I actually had to go to my room.  She would give me the countdown. "Next commercial break"  "Ten more minutes"  "Go get your last drink of water" Some nights she would begin to doze and I would squeeze another 10 minutes until the dreaded bed time. Then began the process.  We would go to my room, which was only 12 feet from the living room in all actuality, but it was miles in my little girl heart.  Mom would pull down the covers, tuck me in, give me all of my comfort things and then I would cry.  The more she tried to make me comfortable with the thought of sleeping, alone, the harder I would cry.  If she would just say go to bed, it would have been easier. We would say my prayers together, Our Father, Hail Mary and then all of the God Bless's. The God Blesses were my definite way to get her to ...
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No, not that.

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 Lets talk about graduation parties!  Should I order the chicken scampi or marsala for the chicken dish?  Cakes and cupcakes or cookies?  DJ or photo booth or both? So we decorate the cake with Wyoming Seminary as a graduate or Penn State as his college destination? No, we wont talk about that.  You know, the "drophimoffandleavehimtherepart" or the "Ihaveabsolutelynopurposewithouthiminmydailygrind" lets not forget "Whenyoufoughttoliveforthisboyandnowheisgoingwhylive?" OK OK I'm not going to end my life because Jack is leaving for college, but for christs sake what the fuck is my purpose now?  I am struggling, struggling with so many things right now. I know my struggle on paper is nothing compared to so many other people.  My weight, my hair, my boy, my heart, my future.  I want to just get to the point where I can just take him and drop him off.  Rush through this summer and get it over with, pull off the bandaid quick and start the new chap...
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