Is regret a way of life?

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To regret something means to me that you would change the occasion or outcome of an event. Well I regret since 1991. I have always lived with the belief that things happen for a reason but I am feeling ;like a trainwreck lately. I am grieving the loss of my father, yet I am also grieving the loss of at least the first half of my life. I am not what I had hoped to be. Singularly, me, alone, I am not what I wanted to be. I do have alot of gratitude for the childrren never regret them or their outcome. If I have had anything to do with their successes I would be grateful. I would have been seems futile at this point-What I intend to be seems more hopeful and optimistic huh?
I have days when I want to run with my son and sell everything and ge4t a tiny apartment and just "be". Then other days I am happy with the wife mom position. Prior to meeting my second husband I haaaad plans to graduate my girls and sell it all and move to a city with just a bicycle as a mode of transportation and get a cat a few houseplants and live each day free of the "attachments" I am a nurse so I can work anywhere anytime. Now I feel cumbersome, weighted down by circumstance. Heartattack, leaving me semidisabled. My husband takes full financial resp[osibility for my children and me. I feel grateful but also indebted. I dont "feel" capable or confident to care for myself or the girls and Jack anymore. If I wanted "out" I dont feel I could do it alone. What is this? depression? newest low of low self esteem? semiconscious living? This past year was one of the best of my life. Now I am feeling the effects of being back where I started. 1989 and 1991 I was a stay at home mom with two baies and attentive loving husband with finacial responsibility for myself and the children. My job was to be a good mom and take care of my husband and home. Fast forward 2006 my job is to care for my son our home and love myhusband. hhmmmm is there a pattern here?

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