when did Suzanne leave and an ugly imposter show up

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OK so I am talking to myself today and we decided that I am no longer me. truly I am not me anymore and I think I wouldnt recognize myself if I met me 5 years ago. OK here goes. I am decidedly fat. I have never been fat. always the tall glamorous looking one. not bragging but truthfully. I still love clothes but nothing looks good on me. I feel fat and look worse I think. This by the way has nothing to do with my husband he is attentive to me sexually and all too eager to satisfy me in any way he can. He is enthusiastic about my body and has me convinced he is happy. He has paid for me to got o the gym aand I have a membership I just havent gone. why ??? babysitter, partly, depressed "I am fat just live with it." Lazy yes. sad yes. I think I have to just go and not contemplate what else I could be doing other than walking on the treadmill. I will make an effort tomorrow. I promise.
second thought for the day, No one will ever meet my dad and say so that is where you get your sense of humor from, the blue eyes, part of my reality is gone. One of the people that defines me is gone. I cant imagine never speaking to him agian or seeing him smile and look so happy to just be. I am truly sad for that.
The woman my husband had a fling with for a while before we got married is now divorced and "moving on" I periodically read her blog and she is wacky I tell you. I guess she has plans tomove hrself and three young daughters halfway across the US to be with a man she has nevver met except foe the internet. someone kick me if I get that wacky.
Good things; Jack is amazingly bright happy and beautiful I love him more everyday. Nisi is sharp witty sassy and incredibly talented artist. Allie is grieving the loss of my dad but continues to smile and do all she can for everyone else. she will make a great people pleaser like her mom someday. (not if I can help it)
OKAY GOTTA RUN

Comments

Anonymous said…
I think you are being hard on yourself...we are our own worst critic sometimes..natural really ..especially as women. What you have gone through is huge...i believe when you get further into and through the grieving process, you will feel a sense of self more. Its going to take time. Be patient..you cannot put atime limit on love, grief, and understanding. Let your heart feel..let it experience the pain you truely feel, without that you will deny yourself life, truth, and freedom from from depressive thoughts...you need to make room for all of the things your dad wants you to be..happy, a great mom, a great daughter, and someone who he remembers you being..full of life,laughter and smiling...i am sure he misses that..he does understand that you need this right now, but know that he is there helping you get through this..smiling at you and holding your memories of him close to his heart...he loves you the same..as you do him...be brave, be strong..and also be weak..it will help you to be stronger... your in my thoughts friend...
8:17 PM
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