Flaming June's Love

I get run over by guilt and sometimes it is tangible. I feel physical waves of heavy, that last seconds but are real nonetheless. I hope he forgives me someday for not doing more, but I am in the acceptance stage of our journey of letting go. If my aches of "YOURAFUCKUP" Suzie hit me less and less then I am succeeding. I still surprise myself with the flashes of reality( He is gone)and then other times it all seems "normal". Either way my favorite month that I have such a tumultuous Love/HAte relationship with is right around the corner (August) I am now preparing for that by begining it with my broken heart video. WARNING do not watch if you have an ounce of feeling for you will CRY. Cathartic that no one is alone in their pain, but painful all the same.

Went to Philly again today for Temple stuff with the Allie girl. I love her. I want her to be happy and to feel as though she is going to make a difference in this world. I know she made a difference i the world just by being in it, but I feel the world needs to know she is here. So here is to second tries, and third tries and fourth if need be, because the reward of effort is in the everyday. If it takes her five years to get where she wants to be, I will be right there doing what I can to help. A quick note about my Dad. I think of him all the time. What would he say about this decision? or this choice? The daily grind and childrearing is always on my mind. I think today it hit me, These small everyday things that we do have changed the outcome of everything. You cant predict how or what things may have been IF HE WAS HERE If I had suggested a different course of treatment when I could have he might have been here, but in what state of mind or health? Those choices were gui...