Greys anatomy flashback....

-
Well- I remember wathcing Greys anatomy at the end of last season and crying. I cried for the lost love between Izzy and Denny. But more than that I cried for myself. A year ago I suffered massive heart attack and barely survived emergency heart surgery. My body has been recovering but my spirit has not. I want to live but dont go desperately outof my way to accomplish a long and healthy life. I dont smoke, but also dont exercise. I dont eat right and have gained a more than a few pounds in the past year. Depression maybe a little. Hopelessness, maybe a little. but I truly think I am just getting by. I know that when I die It will be an ok thing. I am not afraid to die actually look forward to the day with optimism and interest. I am not suicidal but really in a mood where if it happened tomorrow other than my kids being motherless and husband being a widow and alot of sad people, selfishly.... I would be ok with the whole thing.
If you read any of my other posts you know my dad died a month ago. I was along with mythree brothers and Mom with him at the time of his death. We opted to discontinue his life support. knowing that tubes and feeding tubes and tracheostomy and dialysis were definately something he would like we opted to end his life. yes we did that. literally asked the dr to take the tube from his throat and that is what caused his death. A month later and I think I am coming tot he realization that Those Actions did it. He may be still alive today on a ventilator and feeding tubes dialysis if we did not ask for and end to his treatment. I would take 5 minutes even with him comatose to feel his warm hand and kiss his forehead and tell him how wonderful he has been to all of us. 5 minutes, I spent 40 years with someone and now want only 5 minutes. I have no regrets of our relationship, I said everything, did what I could and loved as much and as feely as I could. But ask anyone would say 5 minutes would be ok. July 8th he called me on the phone and cracked a joke about my husband and we all aughed for 15 minutes, August 8th he is dead, September 8th my son is walking unassisted and waving bye bye. My daughter started a new school and is blossoming. My oldest is applying to college and writing essays about him. He shoul;d be here. I need him here.
So If I die tomorrow It will be sad for everyone but Ill be ok.

Comments

anonymous jones said…
Hi! You've had some sad stuff happen for sure. It's a huge effort to make an effort sometimes, isn't it? I realize I don't know all the details, but walking and gardening have been shown to do more for your physical and mental health than lots and lots of medications. Do you have a dog? Pets make you happy and less stressed, too (and you can go on your walks with the dog). Hang in there; you are not powerless.
11:53 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Kiss

-
Image
  It has been 75 days. When I went to bed at night I would cry, every night.  My Mom would begin the process of "bedtime" at least 30 minutes before I actually had to go to my room.  She would give me the countdown. "Next commercial break"  "Ten more minutes"  "Go get your last drink of water" Some nights she would begin to doze and I would squeeze another 10 minutes until the dreaded bed time. Then began the process.  We would go to my room, which was only 12 feet from the living room in all actuality, but it was miles in my little girl heart.  Mom would pull down the covers, tuck me in, give me all of my comfort things and then I would cry.  The more she tried to make me comfortable with the thought of sleeping, alone, the harder I would cry.  If she would just say go to bed, it would have been easier. We would say my prayers together, Our Father, Hail Mary and then all of the God Bless's. The God Blesses were my definite way to get her to ...
Read more

Ayla

-
Image
 When I was in High School my best friend was Amy.  I don't remember how we met or where, but somehow we just clicked.  I believe it was probably on the patio where in the 1980's you could go outside and smoke cigarettes with your friends on free mods or breaks.  Yep those were the days.   We were in 10th grade which made us 15.  I smoked Parliament light 100's  with the recessed filters (IYKYK) and she smoked Benson and Hedges.  She was a cheerleader that was so far from the "cheerleader" type it would crack us up.  We wrote notes in those days, scraps of paper that we would purge our daily trials onto, fold in some triangular football shape and pass to one another in the hall.  We could fill a note throughout the day and then I would throw it into a box for the ages to find someday.  We were able to talk endlessly about music, people, boyfriends, animals, school, college, parents, divorce, siblings, hours of chat.  We al...
Read more

No, not that.

-
Image
 Lets talk about graduation parties!  Should I order the chicken scampi or marsala for the chicken dish?  Cakes and cupcakes or cookies?  DJ or photo booth or both? So we decorate the cake with Wyoming Seminary as a graduate or Penn State as his college destination? No, we wont talk about that.  You know, the "drophimoffandleavehimtherepart" or the "Ihaveabsolutelynopurposewithouthiminmydailygrind" lets not forget "Whenyoufoughttoliveforthisboyandnowheisgoingwhylive?" OK OK I'm not going to end my life because Jack is leaving for college, but for christs sake what the fuck is my purpose now?  I am struggling, struggling with so many things right now. I know my struggle on paper is nothing compared to so many other people.  My weight, my hair, my boy, my heart, my future.  I want to just get to the point where I can just take him and drop him off.  Rush through this summer and get it over with, pull off the bandaid quick and start the new chap...
Read more