Flaming June's Love

I have been blogging lately about myself.  It has always been about myself and my children or husband or family.  Until lately its been about me.  How I feel, How I want to be, what I am doing. I guess a bit selfish.  But as I look back I realize this place has been what I needed at the moment I needed it.  So here I am going back a bit to a favorite topic. Jack. Last week he started eighth grade.  I can look back on this blog and see kindergarten even pre-k.  What a blessing that is.  To see how far we have come in these 10 years since starting school at Good Shepherd Academy. The other day coming home in the car Jack was explaining to me that the kids in the II classroom are now in his specials.  This means that the Individual Instruction class are in his music, art, computers, gym and library once a day.  He was explaining to me that "These kids aren't just Autistic kids mom, these kids are the really special kids, they dont ...

Yes this is a funny post.  Ive been doing the selfie thing when I think of it to chronicle this adventure of trying to keep going. Now today when I had the idea to make this post with a few of the pics I was feeling positive and up!  Tonight as I write this post I am not that positive nor up.  I overate today.  Nothing horrific from my mealplan but just MORE than I should.  I was so hungry today.  All day and especially tonight. Its alright....  Im ok. There is a reason I was so hungry.  My body needed more today.  SO I FED IT> My heel is hurting abit which then makes my calf hurt so tonight instead of walking, I rested.  While Jack ran at Kirby i pulled out my folding chair and sat by the fence of the softball field and read my book.  I was still outside, breathing fresh air, chatting with people and watching my boy. I am still winning. BUT THIS GIRL UP THERE!!!  SHE'S ALL THAT> I hope to b...

Tomorrow morning we get up at 6:30 and start the machine for 8th grade.  The machine is the process of "doing school."  I am very excited for our boy to start 8th grade.  I never in my wildest dreams imagined it to be this way.  I never planned ahead more than a week or two.  Typically because I either thought I was going to die any minute or that Jack was going to self destruct any minute. But neither has happened.  Unbelievably.... neither has happened. He packed his backpack.  I bought all the supplies but he packed it and Im good with that.  He read all his summer reading books and was done two weeks ago.  He liked the books. Ill say that again..... for those of you in the back.... JACK LIKED HIS SUMMER READING BOOKS> If that doesnt describe Jack to you, then you're missing the Jack trip. He has started his cross country training, that was about a month ago.  His first Invitational is Saturday.  I cant wait.  I...

I am making this post to catalog this summer as "The Summer" .  I have a few pics of my favorite moments but these dont capture the whole thing in all of its splendor and fun.  Of course The middle of July saw "Quick Rick Jones" pop on over to the East Coast.  It was a whirlwind two weeks with lots and lots of laughs, bike rides, music festivals, POMPEYFEST which deserves a post of its own.  Hikes, mountain visits, long chats and of course moments like this one above.  Just straight up, "I understand you, I get you, and we are all ok."  Here is our Jack on his 14th birthday.  No glasses our of shower and just happy to see me.  I adore, treasure and admire this guy.  He doesnt know it yet, but he is all that.  I dont want to tell him too often because he doesnt seem to believe me.  You are smart, fully, thoughtful, kind.  Sharp witted and ver very much your fathers son in the debate and negotiate department.  He is...

Home from our vacation and it was lovely.  It was so nice to have Nana along.  She was great company and really broke thing upf or me.  Jack was also happy to have his best girl along. I will post a vacation post soon.  But first I had to post this idea for today. I was sitting on the back deck tonight.  Andy was weed whacking I was reading my book after cleaning up from dinner.  Jack was in the shower. I thought "How simply simple this moment is!" How easy this all is for me at this point in my life.  Everything is just right.  Nothing is hurting, or angsty, or troubled.  Of course there are those times, believe me I have THOSE times.  But in a nutshell its ALLLLLLL GOOOOOOD right now. My girls are happy, and most importantly EVERYONE IS HEALTHY right now. Although they are my babies, my girls are getting older and the potential for illness or injury becomes more real everyday.  I think about that.  My grandson,is ...

I am living everyday.  Whether I am walking outside, inside, yoga, swimming, chatting with strangers, engaging with students, confessing to my confidantes, laughing til I pee with my friends, Hugging my boy, Loving my man, dreaming, planning, singing along..... I am living these days. I was walking today and thought "I am going to run."  "I can run, right?"  talking to myself.... I tried it.... I jogged. I dont know how to hold my arms, I dont know how to breath right, my boobs are banging around in my THREEEEE SPORTS BRAS!!!!  My right foot went numb almost immediately.  I got the old familiar pain in my left shoulder blade and realized... I CANT RUN.  I CANNOT RUN. I  CAN NOT RUN.  All these years I thought "Who cares if I cannot run, who wants to run anyway, I just want to keep breathing."  I wasn't taking care of myself at ALL.  NOT AT ALL.  I had the perfect excuse to not even try.  I didnt want to try. ...

Tomorrow I wake up and Ill be 53 years old. I am in a better place than I have been in many many years.  I can conjure fear which I can breathe through and visualize living.  That is helping my anxiety. I went to yoga tonight and it is a real beginners class but I feel good doing it.  The yogi ended the class saying something on the lines of "Feel good about taking care of yourself, you deserve to be well emotionally, physically and spiritually." Today was Jacks last day of 7th grade.  One year and he goes to HS.  I cannot believe it really.    He is tall and handsome, strong and sweet. I remember days when I wondered if either of us would survive. Here we are. I love my kids and Owen, my son in laws and husband. I am grateful for my healthy helpful capable Mother. My bothers that are my whole world. A job that I can tolerate, with a few people I enjoy. A couple of friends, and I mean a couple.  But better have a two or three that a...

Its a funny feeling almost 53 and feel pretty good about myself. I have gone back to church because of a priest that listened to me and didnt judge me. He listened and heard me say I was afraid to go another day without being at peace with God. He felt that fear is not a great motivator, fear holds us back. Love should bring us back. That is when i cried.  I cried because I want to LOVE my neighbor, the people that piss me off, hurt me.  Im supposed to love them.  Listen to the gospel and apply to my week.  Now I spend the hour in church every week and reflect on the week that passed and anticipate the upcoming week with peace.  I'm not the average church goer.  I have a bit of a thing where I think I am different all the time.  Different from the people sitting in the pews behind or in front of me.  Different in my thoughts and views, my approach to life. After chatting with the priest he showed me that he has HEARD IT ALL> From th...

You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you Mary Tyler Moore So here we are, the last week of 7th grade, and what a year it has been. From the first day of school this year, the actual day 1 I knew it was going to be different.  I wasnt quite sure how or why it was going to change but I felt it coming. From the first few weeks I discovered Jack chose to move his lunch table seat. Thank God we have a relatively open communication and I knew it was coming.  We talked about what could happen, how his friends may feel or behave if he chose to "change things up a bit" Weighed it and make the leap.  It changed alot.  Some really good and some painful. Now that we are wrapping up 7th grade, he is grateful for the change as am I. He has grown as a person and is maturing before my eyes. It has always been hard for me to watch my kids struggle, no matter how old they are.  Even now as adults I want to FIX IT....

Today was a beautiful gorgeous sunny June 1 st day. A Saturday morning in this weather, anyone that knows me knows where I will be on days like today. Well, maybe you wont know exactly where I am, but you will know that I will be out scavenging garage sales, estate sales, auctions. I prefer to go alone so I can chat with strangers and talk to other peoples stuff. My "eccentric" flag can wave far and wide and no one is shooshing me.  LOL So I left at 730 this morning, put the top down on the convertible and turned up the radio and drove away.  During my meditations I am asked to recall a favorite time or place.  It has often been that car, that moment, that weather, the destination. So today was the day I got to DO MY HAPPY PLACE!!!  Can you say that?  Can you be in your happy place ever?  Is it how and what you imagine it to be? Driving along this morning it was cold with the top down, and windy.  It wasnt a perfect sunny day first thing ...

I have finished my Ornish program.  Graduated!  Even had a graduation ceremony with my comrades of cohort 8. I am now doing my best everyday to eat well, exercise, relax and find people that want to listen to me as I listen to them.  Share ideas, feelings, dreams, fears without judgement or repercussions. I enjoyed all aspects of the program, the group therapy was amazing. I shared with the group the overwhelming fear I was having during my last post. The group therapist suggested I see someone privately.  (crazy ville I guess?) So I did.  I did see a therapist  3 sessions.  I shared my overwhelming fear, crippling stand still heart pounding fear. I guess they call that trauma now.  I guess if you admit that you have been through scary shit, for a long time, they call it traumatized. I dont call it anything.  I do believe that my sharing my fear, when it happens, helps me. If someone else has it too, then they can understand ...

I am not afraid of pain. I am afraid of pain that leads to more pain. I have had patients that I've watched suffer, immeasurable pain from burns, cancers, indescribable loss. Loss pain I believe is the most torturous to watch, or survive. A Mother had to be told that three of her four children died and the last was burned unrecognizable and most likely going to pass as well. She begged for me to KILL HER, PLEASE JUST KILL ME.  I CANT LIVE ANOTHER MOMENT. I was a kid of 21, fresh faced and ready to see it all.   Be in it all.  I got it all and it took me years to get the smell of burnt flesh out of my nose.  I can catch it every so often when I work at the grill.  Andy gets perturbed when I catch a whiff of "smoke" or "Fire" or "fuel" and send him on a wild goose chase to find the source.  Its smell memory.  The smell of pain.  I know physical pain, surgical recovery was difficult but I was convinced I would get physically bett...

I am entering week 5 of my 9 week cardiac rehab program.. this is an intensive program with strict dietary restrictions, mandatory, relaxation, yoga, group therapy and lecture with meals.  I am following the Dean Ornish program as well as I can.  No fat, no animal products, high protein. I have been exercising and feeling better inthat dept than i have in a fe years to say the least.  I am bale to walk and listen to my music and feel great.\ UNTIL IT HITS.   I n be rolling along singing my song when... "Why do this? you are going to drop dead any minute no anyway." "Did you feel that?, thats probably a blood clot traveling to you brain right about now." "You better slow down or speed up, or stop, before you drop dead right here." "I wonder who will find my body if I drop dead right now" "What was that feeling in my stomach> bloodclot, angina., gas?" "I think I an run a bt,   better not, you might die." "Don...

I was sitting on the floor of his one room, apartment.  It was a total disaster. Clothes, shoes, books, magazines, paper clippings, newspapers. EVERYWHERE. He would walk around the apartment, usually in his underwear, and pick up a book and just plop down, open it, and read. Then get up, put the book down, do something, come back and have some old magazine in his hand.  He would plop somewhere else and just read. I was sitting on the floor, wearing my old overalls and tshirt, painting my nails.  I watched his patterned walking, packing, reading. I dont even know this guy.  No FUCKING CLUE. I am leaving in the morning for a weeks vacation to Key West with a total stranger. This is crazy...... I knew he drove like a maniac, I knew he could talk as if no one was listening to him. I figured out that he spent alot of time alone growing up so.. no one was EVER listening. He was funny, he was cute and was in the military so how screwed up could he be? We ...

The week between Christmas and New Years is a slow slow week at my work.  No students, hardly any staff and a perfect time of year to get paid, and do hardly anything. Back at Christmas 2001, My friend Shirley and I were wasting time and goofing around with the computer while at work. Tim had officially left in September, but truthfully was gone for years before that. Anyway, Shirley and I looked up MATCH .COM It was a cutting edge way to meet people in your vicinity that were single. OK perfect way to spend the day.  look at men we would never date. I scrolled and scrolled scrolled. Then saw a black and white photo of a guy with long lashes dimples. Cute. Teddy bearish.  I sent him a note, he wrote back immediately. sent another note, he responded.  We wrote for the rest of the day. We met at a local bar about  2 days later.  the 30th I think of December because when we met we talked about what we were each doing for New Years eve. As we we...

So I am about 3 weeks post 2nd stent placement. Long story short I have been complaining since October that I was having epigastric pain after eating.  I had two endoscopies, looking for whatever, and 2 CT scans looking for whatever blood work, xrays until finally I said to Andy... "I think its my heart and Im dying." We went to Philadelphia a few days later saw the Cardiologist and he pretty much agreed. The vessel that was used from my leg to bypass one of the blockages in my heart was blocked again.  Right below where the last stent was placed a year ago. So now two stents are holding the graft open in my right coronary artery.  I am real good at denial and avoidance, but sometimes MY MORTALITY is right in my face. Probably more than the average person.  I have had this life changing and mind blowing disease for almost 14 years.  It is a daily thought, and almost an hourly concern of "Is this my last day? will I drop dead today?" "Will this broke...