Fast walker.....is OK.

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I am living everyday. 
Whether I am walking outside, inside, yoga, swimming, chatting with strangers, engaging with students, confessing to my confidantes, laughing til I pee with my friends, Hugging my boy, Loving my man, dreaming, planning, singing along.....
I am living these days.

I was walking today and thought "I am going to run." 
"I can run, right?"  talking to myself....
I tried it.... I jogged.
I dont know how to hold my arms, I dont know how to breath right, my boobs are banging around in my THREEEEE SPORTS BRAS!!!! 
My right foot went numb almost immediately.  I got the old familiar pain in my left shoulder blade and realized...
I CANT RUN.  I CANNOT RUN.
I 
CAN
NOT
RUN. 
All these years I thought "Who cares if I cannot run, who wants to run anyway, I just want to keep breathing."  I wasn't taking care of myself at ALL.  NOT AT ALL.  I had the perfect excuse to not even try.  I didnt want to try.  I was satisfied with breathing.

It took this last event and all my work with my "team" to come to realize...
I want to do more than breathe.  I want to live everyday.  I LIKE LIVING EVERYDAY!!
I AM ENJOYING THIS

So now that I want to try to to run.
I CAN NOT FUCKING RUN> 
I felt a twinge of angina and my heart rate shot up to 180 and I had to slow to my fast walk pace. 
My fear was right on my heels as well.  SO as I am fast walking down River Street listening to PINK in my earbuds I have to quickly switch to my "breathe" mode.
Save yourself, dont push too hard, breath, breath, breath.
imagery, focus, let the breathing take the fear breathing away.

It works.  I can walk fast, and I get faster everyday.  by a smidge.  But I wont be running.
Nope CAN NOT RUN.
Here is the point.  I am living, joyfully on the daily, I am present in the moments as best as I can.
I have much much joy and gratitude.
If you can run though?  Please do.  PLEASE GO RUN
Run fast, lose your breath, sweat, let your legs ache, listen to the pound of your feet.
Speed up on the downhill, push onthe uphills.
Tell yourself "I CANT, then DO IT!!!!"

Because, at this point I CAN NOT RUN.
And it makes me sad.
When I could have run, I didn't.
Now that I WANT to run.
I
CAN
NOT
RUN.

I am not saying poor me, I am saying stupid me.
F^%#ing stupid me.
Dont look back and say that, so run.
Right now.  Love you <3 p="">

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