52 and holding.
So I am about 3 weeks post 2nd stent placement.
Long story short I have been complaining since October that I was having epigastric pain after eating. I had two endoscopies, looking for whatever, and 2 CT scans looking for whatever blood work, xrays until finally I said to Andy...
"I think its my heart and Im dying."
We went to Philadelphia a few days later saw the Cardiologist and he pretty much agreed.
The vessel that was used from my leg to bypass one of the blockages in my heart was blocked again. Right below where the last stent was placed a year ago.
So now two stents are holding the graft open in my right coronary artery.
I am real good at denial and avoidance, but sometimes MY MORTALITY is right in my face.
Probably more than the average person. I have had this life changing and mind blowing disease for almost 14 years. It is a daily thought, and almost an hourly concern of
"Is this my last day? will I drop dead today?"
"Will this broken beat up heart quit today?"
"Did I tell my babes I love them today?"
Well. That is my life. Please Please understand I am NOT COMPLAINING, NOR AM I LOOKING FOR ANYTHING>"
I consider myself extremely lucky and blessed to be where I am today. The facts that I have survived in such good condition all these years is nothing short of a miracle.
Not everyone gets the opportunity to KNOW HOW SHORT THIS LIFE IS.
Face to face, look it in the eyes and say "I dont want this now, but I have no control."
I accept the knowledge that it will come quick and steal me away. There probably won't be the long goodbye.
One of my blessings has been having this blog. My thoughts through this adventure for the past 13 years right here in plain site for all to see and read. FOREVER. Is awesome.
I have incredible people in my life that have given back what I have given, tenfold.
My daughters that were by my side when I woke up enough after this last procedure to realize I am going to live today.
Their faces were soft and warm and open. They love me as much as I love them. That is a new revelation lately. I speak for years of my love for them and sometimes forget that I AM THEIR MOTHER. The most important in their lives. Not being overdramatic but truthful.
I am their person since day one. I dont want to break their hearts by leaving them.
My beautiful son. He is the LOVE OF MY LIFETIME>
Again dramatic but true. The first and last thought of everyday since the day he looked at me.
They may not have always been positive thoughts but always filled with LOVE.
My husband Andy. He is not easy, he can be difficult and single minded. But he has devoted
yes, DEVOTED HIS LIFE TO ME.
Not just in words, but every action, deed and reaction has been DEVOTED TO ME and my CHILDREN.
He has cherished me and loved me and done what he could to keep me safe and healthy since the beginning of the marriage May 2005.
Is he an angel? no.
Does he screw up? absolutely
Do we have it all together all the time, no we absolutely do not.
BUT my husband LOVES ME more than anyone knows, he is my reward most days.
I have some fabulous people that are not related to me that are so dear to my heart.
They are friends. Kathy, Sara, Joann, Melissa. 4 women that I have come to know and hold deep in my heart.
You couldnt find 4 more different women on the planet. But they are in my corner.
I intend to live a few more years. That would be great. 5 would be fabulous. I would love to see Jack graduate HS. That is my goal. I want to be healthy, caring for myself and being a wife, mother, daughter. I'll take what I can get, because everyday is a gift to me.
EVERYDAY HAS BEEN A GIFT TO ME>
I may not have been jolly, happy, friendly, excited.
But I was here and in it, with all of you and for that I am blessed.
Long story short I have been complaining since October that I was having epigastric pain after eating. I had two endoscopies, looking for whatever, and 2 CT scans looking for whatever blood work, xrays until finally I said to Andy...
"I think its my heart and Im dying."
We went to Philadelphia a few days later saw the Cardiologist and he pretty much agreed.
The vessel that was used from my leg to bypass one of the blockages in my heart was blocked again. Right below where the last stent was placed a year ago.
So now two stents are holding the graft open in my right coronary artery.
I am real good at denial and avoidance, but sometimes MY MORTALITY is right in my face.
Probably more than the average person. I have had this life changing and mind blowing disease for almost 14 years. It is a daily thought, and almost an hourly concern of
"Is this my last day? will I drop dead today?"
"Will this broken beat up heart quit today?"
"Did I tell my babes I love them today?"
Well. That is my life. Please Please understand I am NOT COMPLAINING, NOR AM I LOOKING FOR ANYTHING>"
I consider myself extremely lucky and blessed to be where I am today. The facts that I have survived in such good condition all these years is nothing short of a miracle.
Not everyone gets the opportunity to KNOW HOW SHORT THIS LIFE IS.
Face to face, look it in the eyes and say "I dont want this now, but I have no control."
I accept the knowledge that it will come quick and steal me away. There probably won't be the long goodbye.
One of my blessings has been having this blog. My thoughts through this adventure for the past 13 years right here in plain site for all to see and read. FOREVER. Is awesome.
I have incredible people in my life that have given back what I have given, tenfold.
My daughters that were by my side when I woke up enough after this last procedure to realize I am going to live today.
Their faces were soft and warm and open. They love me as much as I love them. That is a new revelation lately. I speak for years of my love for them and sometimes forget that I AM THEIR MOTHER. The most important in their lives. Not being overdramatic but truthful.
I am their person since day one. I dont want to break their hearts by leaving them.
My beautiful son. He is the LOVE OF MY LIFETIME>
Again dramatic but true. The first and last thought of everyday since the day he looked at me.
They may not have always been positive thoughts but always filled with LOVE.
My husband Andy. He is not easy, he can be difficult and single minded. But he has devoted
yes, DEVOTED HIS LIFE TO ME.
Not just in words, but every action, deed and reaction has been DEVOTED TO ME and my CHILDREN.
He has cherished me and loved me and done what he could to keep me safe and healthy since the beginning of the marriage May 2005.
Is he an angel? no.
Does he screw up? absolutely
Do we have it all together all the time, no we absolutely do not.
BUT my husband LOVES ME more than anyone knows, he is my reward most days.
I have some fabulous people that are not related to me that are so dear to my heart.
They are friends. Kathy, Sara, Joann, Melissa. 4 women that I have come to know and hold deep in my heart.
You couldnt find 4 more different women on the planet. But they are in my corner.
I intend to live a few more years. That would be great. 5 would be fabulous. I would love to see Jack graduate HS. That is my goal. I want to be healthy, caring for myself and being a wife, mother, daughter. I'll take what I can get, because everyday is a gift to me.
EVERYDAY HAS BEEN A GIFT TO ME>
I may not have been jolly, happy, friendly, excited.
But I was here and in it, with all of you and for that I am blessed.
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