Fear Part 2 (pain)
I am not afraid of pain.
I am afraid of pain that leads to more pain.
I have had patients that I've watched suffer, immeasurable pain from burns, cancers, indescribable loss.
Loss pain I believe is the most torturous to watch, or survive.
A Mother had to be told that three of her four children died and the last was burned unrecognizable and most likely going to pass as well.
She begged for me to KILL HER, PLEASE JUST KILL ME. I CANT LIVE ANOTHER MOMENT.
I was a kid of 21, fresh faced and ready to see it all. Be in it all.
I got it all and it took me years to get the smell of burnt flesh out of my nose.
I can catch it every so often when I work at the grill.
Andy gets perturbed when I catch a whiff of "smoke" or "Fire" or "fuel" and send him on a wild goose chase to find the source. Its smell memory.
The smell of pain.
I know physical pain, surgical recovery was difficult but I was convinced I would get physically better. I can look back on this blog and find posts related to the long physical recovery time.
What is missing is the unending emotional turmoil having this chronic condition has had on me. That accounts for pain in my book.
I have remained positive and grateful for the life I have been given these past nearly 14 years. I was told enough times how lucky I was to survive.
I feel it more now than ever.
How lucky I am to be alive, at all. At this point stenting grafts?
Stenting grafts, that doesnt happen....
Ive had it twice in the same graft.
So if this is latin or greek to you this is what it means, 14 years ago they took a vessel from my leg and used pieces of it to make bypasses around blockages in the muscle of my heart. So the blood supply to my heart is carried by a vessel "grafted into" the heart muscle.
I had three of those.
So 2 years ago one of those grafts was blocked so they put a little spring in it to hold it open so it would keep the blood flowing.
3 months ago the same graft was blocked again and now there is another spring in there holding it open.
SO.
The graft worked for 13 years, and now has 2 extra "scaffolding" to keep it open.
Its SCARY SHIT GANG>
FEAR.... WHen will it go down again? When will another one go down again?
Dont live in fear, it is just wasted time. ? Yes that sound fabulous.
But when you burp it kind of feels like angina, WHen you catch your breath for a moment, needing an extra deep one? a little dizzy when you stand up? extra thirsty? trouble focusing? back shoulder twinges? stomach ache? tired?
Just stop already. STOP!!!!
I want to eat that
I shouldnt eat that
I wont eat that
Ill eat this instead
OR
I want that
Ill eat it
That was delicious
Now why do I feel sick, why am I burping, do I have heartburn, do I have nausea, why am I tired.
Im dying. AGAIN.
Its all about fear.
Now I will reboot and get to the point of it. I am grateful I have all of this extra time. No one is assured anything related to time on this place.
The people I cared for as a nurse for over 30 years all thought they had time. But none of us gets out of here alive. People were there and truly gone forever the next minute.
The last thing my Dad talked to me about was having a coke with lots of ice. He was in the hospital and "getting better" after his heart surgery. The nurses wanted him to drink and asked what he wanted. Coke with ice.
I got him a Coke and ice in a paper cup and a straw. He drank a few sips and that was it. He took a nap, I left for the night. He went on a ventilator that night and that was it. I never heard his voice again.
Fear and Pain.
We have all been through them. I dont like fear consuming me. Maybe it is just the new me?
This too shall pass?
Fuck that. I hate that saying anymore.
Pain I can justify, its tangible, you have pain because all of your skin has burned off, your child is gone, you had your chest sawed open. Yep, that hurts.
Fear is not tangible.... Im afraid to leave my children without a mother
Im afraid to leave my husband alone with my son
Im afraid I have believed in a heaven that is just a crutch to keep us all " on the straight and narrow to avoid anarchy"
I fear the losing part, the letting go, the saying goodbye, the endings.
Forgetting, I fear forgetting, I fear the world will never know ALL OF THIS happened.
Mattered immeasurably.
A small cosmic blip. A single grain of sand in an ocean....
That is what we all are. I fear that it hasnt mattered at all.
I am afraid of pain that leads to more pain.
I have had patients that I've watched suffer, immeasurable pain from burns, cancers, indescribable loss.
Loss pain I believe is the most torturous to watch, or survive.
A Mother had to be told that three of her four children died and the last was burned unrecognizable and most likely going to pass as well.
She begged for me to KILL HER, PLEASE JUST KILL ME. I CANT LIVE ANOTHER MOMENT.
I was a kid of 21, fresh faced and ready to see it all. Be in it all.
I got it all and it took me years to get the smell of burnt flesh out of my nose.
I can catch it every so often when I work at the grill.
Andy gets perturbed when I catch a whiff of "smoke" or "Fire" or "fuel" and send him on a wild goose chase to find the source. Its smell memory.
The smell of pain.
I know physical pain, surgical recovery was difficult but I was convinced I would get physically better. I can look back on this blog and find posts related to the long physical recovery time.
What is missing is the unending emotional turmoil having this chronic condition has had on me. That accounts for pain in my book.
I have remained positive and grateful for the life I have been given these past nearly 14 years. I was told enough times how lucky I was to survive.
I feel it more now than ever.
How lucky I am to be alive, at all. At this point stenting grafts?
Stenting grafts, that doesnt happen....
Ive had it twice in the same graft.
So if this is latin or greek to you this is what it means, 14 years ago they took a vessel from my leg and used pieces of it to make bypasses around blockages in the muscle of my heart. So the blood supply to my heart is carried by a vessel "grafted into" the heart muscle.
I had three of those.
So 2 years ago one of those grafts was blocked so they put a little spring in it to hold it open so it would keep the blood flowing.
3 months ago the same graft was blocked again and now there is another spring in there holding it open.
SO.
The graft worked for 13 years, and now has 2 extra "scaffolding" to keep it open.
Its SCARY SHIT GANG>
FEAR.... WHen will it go down again? When will another one go down again?
Dont live in fear, it is just wasted time. ? Yes that sound fabulous.
But when you burp it kind of feels like angina, WHen you catch your breath for a moment, needing an extra deep one? a little dizzy when you stand up? extra thirsty? trouble focusing? back shoulder twinges? stomach ache? tired?
Just stop already. STOP!!!!
I want to eat that
I shouldnt eat that
I wont eat that
Ill eat this instead
OR
I want that
Ill eat it
That was delicious
Now why do I feel sick, why am I burping, do I have heartburn, do I have nausea, why am I tired.
Im dying. AGAIN.
Its all about fear.
Now I will reboot and get to the point of it. I am grateful I have all of this extra time. No one is assured anything related to time on this place.
The people I cared for as a nurse for over 30 years all thought they had time. But none of us gets out of here alive. People were there and truly gone forever the next minute.
The last thing my Dad talked to me about was having a coke with lots of ice. He was in the hospital and "getting better" after his heart surgery. The nurses wanted him to drink and asked what he wanted. Coke with ice.
I got him a Coke and ice in a paper cup and a straw. He drank a few sips and that was it. He took a nap, I left for the night. He went on a ventilator that night and that was it. I never heard his voice again.
Fear and Pain.
We have all been through them. I dont like fear consuming me. Maybe it is just the new me?
This too shall pass?
Fuck that. I hate that saying anymore.
Pain I can justify, its tangible, you have pain because all of your skin has burned off, your child is gone, you had your chest sawed open. Yep, that hurts.
Fear is not tangible.... Im afraid to leave my children without a mother
Im afraid to leave my husband alone with my son
Im afraid I have believed in a heaven that is just a crutch to keep us all " on the straight and narrow to avoid anarchy"
I fear the losing part, the letting go, the saying goodbye, the endings.
Forgetting, I fear forgetting, I fear the world will never know ALL OF THIS happened.
Mattered immeasurably.
A small cosmic blip. A single grain of sand in an ocean....
That is what we all are. I fear that it hasnt mattered at all.
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