I want it.

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I have finished my Ornish program.  Graduated! 
Even had a graduation ceremony with my comrades of cohort 8.

I am now doing my best everyday to eat well, exercise, relax and find people that want to listen to me as I listen to them.  Share ideas, feelings, dreams, fears without judgement or repercussions.

I enjoyed all aspects of the program, the group therapy was amazing.

I shared with the group the overwhelming fear I was having during my last post.

The group therapist suggested I see someone privately.  (crazy ville I guess?)

So I did.  I did see a therapist  3 sessions. 
I shared my overwhelming fear, crippling stand still heart pounding fear.

I guess they call that trauma now.  I guess if you admit that you have been through scary shit, for a long time, they call it traumatized.

I dont call it anything.  I do believe that my sharing my fear, when it happens, helps me.
If someone else has it too, then they can understand it better apparently.  So....
I agreed to admit that I have been so fearful at times that i was going to die, that i gave up trying to live...
Living tooo much gave me the idea that "too much good, will run out."

I have been given "tools"  (So psychotherapy right?) to help me through my fear.
Breathing, imagery, meditation, refocus, word reflections. blah blah blah

Focusing on what I am doing to help myself, is helping me to take the spotlight off of "the unknown"
Everyone has unknown.  No one is without questions without answers.
So I must live everyday as well as i can and do my best to help others when I can.  Be kind and thoughtful.  Make a good mark.  Share my joy, share my triumphs.

I dont want this to pass.  I want to to stay in this good place.  Join me if you dare.
Deciding that I WANT TO LIVE
was truly a decision, now fighting for it takes effort.
Today I fought.  I pray I will fight again tomorrow.

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