Fear

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I am entering week 5 of my 9 week cardiac rehab program.. this is an intensive program with strict dietary restrictions, mandatory, relaxation, yoga, group therapy and lecture with meals.  I am following the Dean Ornish program as well as I can.  No fat, no animal products, high protein.

I have been exercising and feeling better inthat dept than i have in a fe years to say the least.  I am bale to walk and listen to my music and feel great.\

UNTIL IT HITS.   I n be rolling along singing my song when...

"Why do this? you are going to drop dead any minute no anyway."
"Did you feel that?, thats probably a blood clot traveling to you brain right about now."
"You better slow down or speed up, or stop, before you drop dead right here."
"I wonder who will find my body if I drop dead right now"
"What was that feeling in my stomach> bloodclot, angina., gas?"
"I think I an run a bt,   better not, you might die."
"Dont die here in kirby park Jack will find your body and be damaged for life."
"Is this the last time I see Owen>"
"Does he know he makes me smile and my heart warms with his hair in my nose."
"I am afraid to beleive in heaven and be disappointed when its not there, Im afraid to not beleive and have it be there but i cant come in because I doubted it>"
I'm dizzy, I'm dying."
My stomach hurts, I'm dying"
Its APril 1, I am dying."

During group meetings we are supposed to share the word that we are feeling for the day.
I am always,
positive, encouraged, excited, hopeful......  out loud
inside all i feel is fucking fear

ALWAYS AFRAID,
I'm dying at this second, dying int he next few minutes, when I fall asleep, when I wake up in the shower is this the outfit im dying in today? Who will try to save me today while im dying>  Did I say goodbye to my boy nicely so his last memory of me is not a total bummer.

I probably need more therapy to decrease my breathtaking fear away, or control it.
Yes live very minute as its your last.
No one knows when they will die.
true.
But Ive been deaths walking companion, and I am not sure there is a place we hang out after this.
Seems very self centered on thishumans part to ponder the description of heaven
Anyway
Pall bearers are Jereme Danny Ben Charlie Bill buckman and Matt Michaels
Make sure my hair has lots of curl, and a dark suzie lipstick
If I can watch you all from "Heaven" trust me Ill be everywhere you go.  sitting in your bedroom o lonely nights, wishing i could touh your hair and smell you one more time.
 You are the greatest joy everyday in my life 



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