Flaming June's Love

  It has been 75 days. When I went to bed at night I would cry, every night.  My Mom would begin the process of "bedtime" at least 30 minutes before I actually had to go to my room.  She would give me the countdown. "Next commercial break"  "Ten more minutes"  "Go get your last drink of water" Some nights she would begin to doze and I would squeeze another 10 minutes until the dreaded bed time. Then began the process.  We would go to my room, which was only 12 feet from the living room in all actuality, but it was miles in my little girl heart.  Mom would pull down the covers, tuck me in, give me all of my comfort things and then I would cry.  The more she tried to make me comfortable with the thought of sleeping, alone, the harder I would cry.  If she would just say go to bed, it would have been easier. We would say my prayers together, Our Father, Hail Mary and then all of the God Bless's. The God Blesses were my definite way to get her to ...

 Lets talk about graduation parties!  Should I order the chicken scampi or marsala for the chicken dish?  Cakes and cupcakes or cookies?  DJ or photo booth or both? So we decorate the cake with Wyoming Seminary as a graduate or Penn State as his college destination? No, we wont talk about that.  You know, the "drophimoffandleavehimtherepart" or the "Ihaveabsolutelynopurposewithouthiminmydailygrind" lets not forget "Whenyoufoughttoliveforthisboyandnowheisgoingwhylive?" OK OK I'm not going to end my life because Jack is leaving for college, but for christs sake what the fuck is my purpose now?  I am struggling, struggling with so many things right now. I know my struggle on paper is nothing compared to so many other people.  My weight, my hair, my boy, my heart, my future.  I want to just get to the point where I can just take him and drop him off.  Rush through this summer and get it over with, pull off the bandaid quick and start the new chap...

  The little things in life have always been just that... nuances, feelings, fleeting moments that held very little weight.  We have heard forever "It's the little things that count."   SO now I am compelled to notice the little things because I have learned through my own experience that the little things are the most precious.  We forget them, I reminisced a few blogs ago that I have mountains of years that I have forgotten.  The daily grind, the endless breakfasts, the countless laundry loads, the 100's of miles, 1000's probably going up and down Wyoming Avenue.  That is only counting "THIS LIFETIME" with Jack, not even measuring "THE FIRST LIFETIME" with my girls.  Because if you know me they are two separate yet equal lifetimes.  Opposite in their approach, attack, and retreats but equal in the love expended and contributed. Now that my 34 years as a daily mother is soon drawing to a close (frightening) I am soaking up as much as I can....

  I am Retired. That means to me that I don't get up in the morning and head to work anymore. That means I dont fly by the seat of my pants with the windows still covered in ice, and the car defrosters in overdrive... blowing cold. I no longer pull into "my spot" with my students standing on the the ramp to the back door waiting for me to either unlock the door or start my class.  Sometimes both. My memories of arriving at Fortis vary, drastically.  I had 7 different offices.  Some were well put together home away from homes, and others were places I would drop my stuff and put my head down to cry. I arrived at Fortis married to Tim.  I went through a brutal breakup and divorce there, I met Andy and we tussled quite a few times there.  I had a miscarriage in the bathroom there, when I was pregnant with Tim's baby and realized the marriage was now going to be officially over.   I made amazing friends that I thought I would never ever lose touch wit...

  I was due for a stress test since November, but the two previous appts we had a snowstorm and I had Covid so they were postponed.  Today was the appt.  Andy played his part of "Ill take care of this" and we went down yesterday to Philadelphia.  As we normally do we stopped into a few antique shops and for a nice dinner,  then we went for our swim in the hotel pool.   Swimming in the hotel pool has always been something we try to do before "big" appts.  When I had my stent placed almost 4 years ago the night before we floated around the Hilton pool for a few hours.  I remember telling him what to do if I should not make it through.  It was one of the only times he was actually listening to me.  Last night we were the only ones there and the water was warm.  The pool is on the fourth floor with a glass ceiling that when Andy turns down the pool lights (which he shouldnt do) you can see some of the night sky.  We float and ...

 Jack attends Wyoming Seminary which is proud to have the number one Wrestling team in the COUNTRY.   I grew up in a wrestling house.  My brothers wrestled since they were in elementary school.  I remember the nights my Dad would move all of the furniture out of the living room on Myrtle Ave and he would set the boys to wrestle.  Which always ended in a fight, blood, crying by someone (me included) my mother crying and upset.  My Dad loved it.  As a child I would dread those nights, I have no idea how the boys liked it.  That said, I know how to score a wrestling match, most of the moves (by sight) and how those moves hurt (by experience)   We went to the matches to watch the boys wrestle and went to meets that they didnt wrestle in.  We had a Wrestling High School.  Then when we moved to PA I had girls.  The last wrestling meet I attended before the other night was when my son in law Ryan wrestled in high school....

The School Parking Lot   Here I was sitting waiting for our Owen to come out after school today.  I walk to the front doors of this lovely school and they dismiss the children from youngest to oldest.  So our boy is one of the first groups to leave.  As I sit here, waiting for my time to emerge from my car, I am flooded with memories.  SO SO many.   This was Jacks elementary school from prek to 8th grade.  We struggled man, hard hard.  But we also had some shining moments.  Now I sit here and wait for my Owen who has ALL shining moments.  We leave school with children saying goodbye to him from all corners.  Boys and girls giving him hugs or back bumps for the day complete.  Then he climbs into the car and says it was a good day.  I accept that.  I tell him im proud of him and that is that. There is no dissection of the day, class by class teacher by teacher.  Hes just a regular boy that is happy going home ...