No, not that.

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 Lets talk about graduation parties!  Should I order the chicken scampi or marsala for the chicken dish?  Cakes and cupcakes or cookies?  DJ or photo booth or both?

So we decorate the cake with Wyoming Seminary as a graduate or Penn State as his college destination?

No, we wont talk about that.  You know, the "drophimoffandleavehimtherepart"

or the "Ihaveabsolutelynopurposewithouthiminmydailygrind"

lets not forget "Whenyoufoughttoliveforthisboyandnowheisgoingwhylive?"

OK OK I'm not going to end my life because Jack is leaving for college, but for christs sake what the fuck is my purpose now?  I am struggling, struggling with so many things right now.

I know my struggle on paper is nothing compared to so many other people.  My weight, my hair, my boy, my heart, my future. 

I want to just get to the point where I can just take him and drop him off.  Rush through this summer and get it over with, pull off the bandaid quick and start the new chapter.  Andy and I have been talking about what we will be doing in the fall.  The week we drop him off we are going somewhere for the week.  

Why not, No one needs me at home.  The reason I woke int he morning will be somewhere else.  So I might as well start the "new process"  But not before we go somewhere that I can reflect and devise my plan for the latest chapter.  If I entertain the thought of "What new chapter?" I will surely die.  I will succumb to my feelings of "job done" and give up.  

I have written numerous times "Sometimes we get exactly what we ask for, you idiot."

Penn State University.  The big place.  The real deal.  Will have my heartattack Jack.  

He is hugging me more, He ends up on my bed more, He spends the extra few minutes before he disappears for whatever is on the agenda.  I see it.  Hes counting, I am counting.

Hes counting forward, I am counting back. 

Just be happy my Jack, chase your dreams because they are waiting for you.  We put them out to the universe the nights that we laid in your single bed.  Your fresh shower pajama'd blond haired boy snuggles.  When we would talk about the day and your wishes for the future.  I'd be praying to just get through the next day, you'd be talking about legos and stop motion films or video games.

I'm all over the place with this post but it is from my heart tonight.  A happy proud Mama night.

Because in this house we say

We Are... Penn State

I say (in my head)

We Are... trying to get to August without losing my shit.


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