helicopters and Hilton pools.

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I was due for a stress test since November, but the two previous appts we had a snowstorm and I had Covid so they were postponed.  Today was the appt.  Andy played his part of "Ill take care of this" and we went down yesterday to Philadelphia.  As we normally do we stopped into a few antique shops and for a nice dinner,  then we went for our swim in the hotel pool.  
Swimming in the hotel pool has always been something we try to do before "big" appts.  When I had my stent placed almost 4 years ago the night before we floated around the Hilton pool for a few hours.  I remember telling him what to do if I should not make it through.  It was one of the only times he was actually listening to me.  Last night we were the only ones there and the water was warm.  The pool is on the fourth floor with a glass ceiling that when Andy turns down the pool lights (which he shouldnt do) you can see some of the night sky.  We float and chat and he of course gets handsy.  He cant help himself, hes a 16 year old boy inside his Grampa body.  I dont mind anymore.  I used to giggle and struggle and tell him to bug off.  
Now I let him love me.  
Its the simple things.  
He pulls me around the pool by my feet, as I spread my arms and lie back.  
He sings off key, and I laugh at him, out loud.
It seems the more I let him love me...... the more he loves me.
After our float around the pool we went to our room on the 17th floor and turned off all of the lights and let the city and river lights fill our room.  We of course did all the other things that you SHOULD do in a big hotel room  wink wink
Last year before an appt we were in another hotel in Philly, It was the night the Philadelphia Eagles won a playoff or something and were going to the superbowl.  We were right on Broad street and the fans all paraded past our hotel after the big win!!  It was amazing.  It felt as though thousands of people were parading for us!!  music, chanting, dancing, fireworks, lots and lots of cheering and song.
Such a happy grand time it was to watch from our perch on the 8th floor.  That night after we came in from the parade we went to the pool to float and chat.  Andy floated me around the pool that night as we watched the helicopters whirling around the hotel to capture the parade of fans.  I kept saying "stop doing that the helicopters are watching us"
His response  "They should be watching us, you are the most beautiful woman here."
Why am I spilling all of this here and now?  I am probably back to my original heavy weight, my wrinkles and lines and dark spots on my face are more evident everyday.  My belly is round and a waist is a figment of days long gone.  
I see all of that, far too much.  
I believe him when he tells me he adores me, I have stood by this man through it all.  It has been more down than up.  We have fought tooth and nail for years in totality.  YEARS!!!
I have gone weeks without speaking to him, and looked at him with complete and utter disdain.
Somehow.... I dont know how.... it melts away for ENOUGH moments to let our life together be worth it.
I will say quite often that nothing in life comes for free.  Everyone pays a price for whatever they have.  Some price tags are higher than others.
I think, that loving my husband IN SPITE OF MYSELF has led us to this place.  A place that I can say I am alright letting him love me the way he does, and I love him the way I do.
I may not talk to him when I'm angry, but I cook him dinner, I take care of his home and clothes and children, and should anyone give the slightest reason for me to defend him, I will take your eyes out.
Its worth it.  
Im worth it, because somehow when he says I am beautiful I start to believe it.
Finally, if someone loves you, let them love you the way they know how.  None of us have learned how to love the same way.  Some of us dont have a clue.  Tell your partner what pleases you, (BTW I am not speaking sexually at all here)  Making the bed, holding your hand, helping with a chore, playing a song they like, talking about something they enjoy, listening to them, accepting them for who they are right now, not who they were or what you expect them to be.  These are huge.
Tell them its ok, when they do something differently than the way you would do it.
We can make it easier on ourselves by just letting go more. 
Let them pull you around the pool by your feet you may like it.  Just remember to keep your head above water or you'll get a snootfull of water.  (not sexy) lol lol




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