Lucky you
This was Jacks elementary school from prek to 8th grade. We struggled man, hard hard. But we also had some shining moments. Now I sit here and wait for my Owen who has ALL shining moments. We leave school with children saying goodbye to him from all corners. Boys and girls giving him hugs or back bumps for the day complete. Then he climbs into the car and says it was a good day. I accept that. I tell him im proud of him and that is that.
There is no dissection of the day, class by class teacher by teacher. Hes just a regular boy that is happy going home with his Nanny to see his new puppy. Maybe get Chicken fries from BK.
My Jack did not have that experience, and it is evident now why. He was different. Maybe I was too difficult, maybe I made him difficult by stressing him out. All those years, maybe it was me? Maybe it was both of us together?
I want to go back in time and give it another try. Maybe I did it all wrong. I had nothing but love for this boy, every minute. I did try.
When I approach the front of the school, I can conjure the feeling in my stomach awaiting me. I understand why Jack has so many feelings about this school. Good and bad.
The further away I get from certain people and places I become more acutely aware of the "missing pieces" Have you ever felt that feeling? When you look back you wonder how did I miss that? Why would I do that? Yeah that... creeps up on me. I think it comes with age also.
I will keep coming for our Owen, because the look on his face when he sees me changes me from the bottom of my toes to the top of my head. I feel his love for me, I see it in his eyes and smile as he comes down the stairs. My heart warms and if I allow it to happen I could cry some days with overwhelming love for this babe.
Im sorry to my girls and Jack because I was not the mother to them that I am the Grandmother to Owen.
If I were we would not have survived.
Tonight my 18 year old Jack laid on the bed with me after his shower. He smells like a man with his favorite soaps that he buys... but he is still my son, my child. a grown child but still mine.
Missi came over the other day after a little tussle with her Dad. She came in and laid directly on my lap and I put my fingers through her hair. Just like when she was a little girl, thats what helped her. We talked or she talked and I listened. She left feeling better. Allie on the other hand, if I approach her for a hug or a snuggle she gives me a pat on the back and tells me thats enough. LOL She is so tightly wound I think if she ever really cut loose Id never get her back together. SO we avoid the emotional stuff until its absolutely necessary. Which it hasnt been necessary in a few years so lets keepit that way for a while. If she loses it I lose it.
To wrap this up, I have made some pretty bad choices in my life. They were fleeting and most have been beaten out like an old carpet before I fall asleep at night.
"Did I do that or dream that?"
"Who was that person?"
"What the hell was that trainwreck?"
I m honest with myself most times, when I am aware of the "Fu#$edupness" of a person place thing or event that I presented myself with. That is what and who I am in my totality. I can present to everyone the grandmother mother daughter and devoted wife. But....
Not everyone can have the memories I have and scars to back it all up, and still be fun at a party.
lucky us
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