"Retired"

 

I am Retired.

That means to me that I don't get up in the morning and head to work anymore.

That means I dont fly by the seat of my pants with the windows still covered in ice, and the car defrosters in overdrive... blowing cold.

I no longer pull into "my spot" with my students standing on the the ramp to the back door waiting for me to either unlock the door or start my class.  Sometimes both.

My memories of arriving at Fortis vary, drastically.  I had 7 different offices.  Some were well put together home away from homes, and others were places I would drop my stuff and put my head down to cry.

I arrived at Fortis married to Tim.  I went through a brutal breakup and divorce there, I met Andy and we tussled quite a few times there.  I had a miscarriage in the bathroom there, when I was pregnant with Tim's baby and realized the marriage was now going to be officially over.  

I made amazing friends that I thought I would never ever lose touch with... that I haven't spoken to in many many years.  

I have had coworkers there that lost parents, siblings spouses and even children together.  Unimaginable pain loss and crisis I sat with friends in that building.  

Some of my friends have since passed away.  Some of my friends left one day from work, "let go" and I have never seen them again.  They held my hand while my world was falling apart and I have never seen them again.  How terrible is that?

I have had thousands of students through my 22 years.  Some I can recall in my minds eye, if you said their name, others are lost forever.  I can be walking through a store restaurant mall and I'll hear 

"Hey Mrs Bailey/Tuzinski!!"  They will come up to me and chat as if it were yesterday that I saw them last, I will nod and recall their faces, usually not their names.  Many times I will stumble upon someone in a Dr's office or hospital and they will thank me for getting them started in the medical field.  Now they are an LPN, RN, NP XRay tech etc.  I can say that I do feel proud of that.  I was a good instructor, my students learned and were able to apply what they learned.  It was applicable knowledge.  I was able to reach quite a few of them, some even felt as if they could go back to school after being with me because they gained confidence in themselves.  I did that.

Some of my students did not survive.  My classrooms were filled with single moms, displaced workers and some kids just out of high school.  95% of my students were women.  Many were transplants from big ciities coming to the Wyoming Valley to escape the drugs and gangs of New York City and Philadelphia.  They were rough, tough and sometimes a bit scary.  But I stood my ground and just kept moving.

"If you cant leave your past in the parking lot, you don't belong here, hospitals have no room for your past, only your future."

I would ask them on the first day of class to DESCRIBE a professional.  What do they look, sound like, dress, smell, speak?  We would make a detailed list on the board with all of the descriptions of persons they TRUST in a medical situation.  Then I would ask "Can you be this person? Do you know how to become this person?"  Most would say no, which was the best time for me.

This is when I would tell them that their future starts right now.  Being professional trustworthy  medical personnel begins when you decide to represent yourself that way.  Eye contact, smile, stand straight, speak clearly don't shout, don't cuss, don't smell like cigarettes or weed, clean teeth and hair. clean shoes, some kind of medical insigna on your lab coat or lapel, don't gossip or chat unnecessarily.

I loved those days.  I also love the days when Jack got off the bus and came into school to wait for me.  He would be about 30 mins in the library before my class would finish.  I could hear him chatting with the office staff down the hall and it would mean my second part of the day would be starting.  Sometimes he would come and sit in my classroom and just listen.  The students loved that.  I loved that, I was always so proud of him.

I remember days my girls would come to night classes with me because I didn't have a sitter.  They would have to sit in the car until my boss left, and then come in and sit in the library.  They would draw on the white boards and write me notes in my desk.  

Now I am retired from that job.  It all happened so slowly it seemed as if it didn't actually happen.

Last year at this time, There was only one class to be taught since our census was so low.  I was going to Florida in February so I asked for the next mod off.  I was due to return in May.  When I was thinking of returning I was not excited about it.  Everything was changing and I didn't want to learn a whole new way of teaching.  SO when the talk came to either do it the "New Way" or don't.  I chose not too.

SO officially I haven't taught in a year, but my last time on the faculty roster was May.  Turns out 4 months later they decided to close my school and I would have had to leave anyway.  I left on my own terms I guess.

I drive by the school often now since Mom moved into the hew apt on Pettebone Street.  The parking lot is empty.  There were times we couldn't find a place to park it was so packed.  The memories can fill a book.  

What does this mean for me now?  I have retired and my youngest child leaves for college in 7 months.  A true definition of an old person.  What now?

Do I burn it all down and build my life new? DO I just reshape the life I have? Or do I float and just ride it out?  SOso many things, so many questions, unknowns, and figuring out what I want.  Be cause after all of these years of saying

"Someday when my life is my own...."  Is now here.

What do I do now..