Flaming June's Love

Its a funny feeling almost 53 and feel pretty good about myself. I have gone back to church because of a priest that listened to me and didnt judge me. He listened and heard me say I was afraid to go another day without being at peace with God. He felt that fear is not a great motivator, fear holds us back. Love should bring us back. That is when i cried.  I cried because I want to LOVE my neighbor, the people that piss me off, hurt me.  Im supposed to love them.  Listen to the gospel and apply to my week.  Now I spend the hour in church every week and reflect on the week that passed and anticipate the upcoming week with peace.  I'm not the average church goer.  I have a bit of a thing where I think I am different all the time.  Different from the people sitting in the pews behind or in front of me.  Different in my thoughts and views, my approach to life. After chatting with the priest he showed me that he has HEARD IT ALL> From th...

You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you Mary Tyler Moore So here we are, the last week of 7th grade, and what a year it has been. From the first day of school this year, the actual day 1 I knew it was going to be different.  I wasnt quite sure how or why it was going to change but I felt it coming. From the first few weeks I discovered Jack chose to move his lunch table seat. Thank God we have a relatively open communication and I knew it was coming.  We talked about what could happen, how his friends may feel or behave if he chose to "change things up a bit" Weighed it and make the leap.  It changed alot.  Some really good and some painful. Now that we are wrapping up 7th grade, he is grateful for the change as am I. He has grown as a person and is maturing before my eyes. It has always been hard for me to watch my kids struggle, no matter how old they are.  Even now as adults I want to FIX IT....

Today was a beautiful gorgeous sunny June 1 st day. A Saturday morning in this weather, anyone that knows me knows where I will be on days like today. Well, maybe you wont know exactly where I am, but you will know that I will be out scavenging garage sales, estate sales, auctions. I prefer to go alone so I can chat with strangers and talk to other peoples stuff. My "eccentric" flag can wave far and wide and no one is shooshing me.  LOL So I left at 730 this morning, put the top down on the convertible and turned up the radio and drove away.  During my meditations I am asked to recall a favorite time or place.  It has often been that car, that moment, that weather, the destination. So today was the day I got to DO MY HAPPY PLACE!!!  Can you say that?  Can you be in your happy place ever?  Is it how and what you imagine it to be? Driving along this morning it was cold with the top down, and windy.  It wasnt a perfect sunny day first thing ...

I have finished my Ornish program.  Graduated!  Even had a graduation ceremony with my comrades of cohort 8. I am now doing my best everyday to eat well, exercise, relax and find people that want to listen to me as I listen to them.  Share ideas, feelings, dreams, fears without judgement or repercussions. I enjoyed all aspects of the program, the group therapy was amazing. I shared with the group the overwhelming fear I was having during my last post. The group therapist suggested I see someone privately.  (crazy ville I guess?) So I did.  I did see a therapist  3 sessions.  I shared my overwhelming fear, crippling stand still heart pounding fear. I guess they call that trauma now.  I guess if you admit that you have been through scary shit, for a long time, they call it traumatized. I dont call it anything.  I do believe that my sharing my fear, when it happens, helps me. If someone else has it too, then they can understand ...

I am not afraid of pain. I am afraid of pain that leads to more pain. I have had patients that I've watched suffer, immeasurable pain from burns, cancers, indescribable loss. Loss pain I believe is the most torturous to watch, or survive. A Mother had to be told that three of her four children died and the last was burned unrecognizable and most likely going to pass as well. She begged for me to KILL HER, PLEASE JUST KILL ME.  I CANT LIVE ANOTHER MOMENT. I was a kid of 21, fresh faced and ready to see it all.   Be in it all.  I got it all and it took me years to get the smell of burnt flesh out of my nose.  I can catch it every so often when I work at the grill.  Andy gets perturbed when I catch a whiff of "smoke" or "Fire" or "fuel" and send him on a wild goose chase to find the source.  Its smell memory.  The smell of pain.  I know physical pain, surgical recovery was difficult but I was convinced I would get physically bett...

I am entering week 5 of my 9 week cardiac rehab program.. this is an intensive program with strict dietary restrictions, mandatory, relaxation, yoga, group therapy and lecture with meals.  I am following the Dean Ornish program as well as I can.  No fat, no animal products, high protein. I have been exercising and feeling better inthat dept than i have in a fe years to say the least.  I am bale to walk and listen to my music and feel great.\ UNTIL IT HITS.   I n be rolling along singing my song when... "Why do this? you are going to drop dead any minute no anyway." "Did you feel that?, thats probably a blood clot traveling to you brain right about now." "You better slow down or speed up, or stop, before you drop dead right here." "I wonder who will find my body if I drop dead right now" "What was that feeling in my stomach> bloodclot, angina., gas?" "I think I an run a bt,   better not, you might die." "Don...