Flaming June's Love

Halloween 2012. I recall a few years ago thinking how much I detested Halloween. Taking jack out to trick or treat was an absolute nightmare. He would run away from us, totally oblivious to our calls.  He would push and grab and all the nasty things that kids we wish to LEAVE our door would do. It was about two years ago when Ella was with us for halloween and she was so sweet and generous.  I thought how someday Jack might be like that.  I PRAYED. Tonight, our someday was today. Now believe me we are far from perfect, and everyone is. But our boy was patient at the doors, he was kind to the smaller children. He listened when we called to him to slow down, stop at the corners, don't run. it really was a good night. There was a little boy screaming at one of the houses as we passed. It brought back memories of years ago when Jack would see something in a house and WANT IT. He didn't want something, did want something or we had no idea what he was thinking. Jus...

Making a cup of hot tea the other night, and I stood in front of the coffee cup cupboard, door open, just looking in. "Which one of you beauties is coming upstairs with me tonight?" Which of course got me thinking again, as I do at least ten times a day... "This is not normal behavior Suzie." I pulled four out. From at least twenty, that do not match, or even resemble one another. These four were my choices for tea that night. As you can see the one on the furthest left won. She is from a trip to Barnes and Noble with my girls many years ago. All cheery and really big.  I've had her maybe 12 years.  Shes been a good old standby when I want a handwarming huge cup of tea. The next stripety one is from a Christmas gift, I don't remember who it was from, but it was full of chocolates.  I love the cup.  The bottom is smaller than the top.  It is almost funnel shaped, thats why I like it.  You don't really know its odd... until you take a closer loo...

As a young girl I watched Little House on the Prairie,,, religiously. I think some of the most important lessons of life were covered in the episodes.  I learned about siblings that fought but still loved eachother.  I watched as Ma and Pa quarreled, even had full out breakdowns and still held it together. I dreamed of someone like Pa falling in Love with me someday.  He was strong, handsome, funny, and hardly ever let his worries get to the rest of the family.  There was always a way to fix it. Were there a time they couldn't fix it, well we always have eachother. I loved that. Ma was strong, independent, smart, and lived for her chidlren and husband.  She never took crap from that nasty Mrs. Olsen-who by the way wanted to be like Ma too. I loved when Ma sold her eggs at Olsens Mercantile.  Nasty Harriet would want to give her less for her pristine eggs, ma would say no and threaten to leave, Mrs. Olsen would always give in.  Ma remained...

It all seemed so easy. Growing up with these two gals. There were times with just the three of us that we laughed til we pee'd. Times we cried, together, under blankets, sweatshirts, pillows, looking out windows, in the kitchen, on the bed, in the mall... everywhere. These girls have been my reason for over twenty years. Yeah I know everyones children are their reason, but do you know how lucky I have been? I have never had a single night of worry about these girls.  They have been honest with me, fair, and considerate of my feelings from the beginning.  True there were a few nights I wasn't THRILLED with their decisions, but they always came home when I said, answered ALL my questions, and took the heat when they deserved it. I always got phonecalls where they were, who they were with and good or bad.... what they were doing. How do you change that?  Am I supposed to change that? When do I start to want them to grow up and go away?  Because I don't, not ...

Our weekend of reunion is over. We havent all been home together since Pop died. This was a happy occasion, beyond happy... joyous. I can only add a few pictures but they are well chosen to reflect a bit of what and how I feel. When I look at these people, that mean the world to me, I can say I feel a comfort that only few can provide. My husband.  Andy. We can fight, and tussle... hard. But when we are on-we rock.  We had it all together this night.  He made me laugh, and dance, and relax.  After the last posts about having two husbands at this wedding, I can tell you... I am a lucky gal.  We all sat together and enjoyed our company.  My Andy was gracious and understanding. We danced and snuggled and laughed some more.  I felt like a schoolgirl with him.   There are a few pictures of my brothers and I.  I chose this one because we are all so relaxed.  You can hardly see Danny but to my left you can see his smiling fa...

It is national fears day. A day to recognize your fears... and then what? I saw it in a sidebar while on the computer.  Do we need a national day to recognize our fears?  Aren't they readily available at any time? Mine are. They are there when I wake up in the morning and check my cell phone... making sure I didnt miss a call from someone while I slept. They are in the mirror after a shower, as red scars that sometimes surprise me.  SCARE me. Fears of being alone, and sometimes afraid to NEVER be alone. Fears of falling apart, emotionally, spiritually, physically. Fears of my girls going through what I have, and then again afraid they won't have as much as I have had. JACK FEARS-FILL ME< then empty me again.  Until I am left with the boy and fears of getting to tomorrow. I have posted a picture from my walk early Sunday morning.  I don't walk enough ( which scares me)  but when I do I feel great. I walked along the river and perched upon th...

How is it that wanting to be "normal" can stretch to such lengths? I remember after finally coming home after all the post Jack events wanting everyone to leave so we could find our "normal". My chest hurt where my incision was and my leg ached where the vessel was harvested, my c section hurt but I just wanted to be NORMAL. I waddled around my kitchen and made bottles for our baby, ironed the girls uniforms and did my best to look and feel as if EVERYTHING IS JUST FINE HERE.  KEEP MOVING ... NOTHING TO SEE HERE. What was normal before, was no longer. Here we are 7 years later and still trying to figure out what is OUR NORMAL.  Nothing to look at here gang we are just rolling along trying to stay out of LIFES way.   This weekend was a good one.  We enjoyed the company of really cool Moms and Dads People I have grown to trust with our boy.  Trust with my family.  It is hard to expose yourselves to groups of people when you don't know how they w...