Flaming June's Love

It is national fears day. A day to recognize your fears... and then what? I saw it in a sidebar while on the computer.  Do we need a national day to recognize our fears?  Aren't they readily available at any time? Mine are. They are there when I wake up in the morning and check my cell phone... making sure I didnt miss a call from someone while I slept. They are in the mirror after a shower, as red scars that sometimes surprise me.  SCARE me. Fears of being alone, and sometimes afraid to NEVER be alone. Fears of falling apart, emotionally, spiritually, physically. Fears of my girls going through what I have, and then again afraid they won't have as much as I have had. JACK FEARS-FILL ME< then empty me again.  Until I am left with the boy and fears of getting to tomorrow. I have posted a picture from my walk early Sunday morning.  I don't walk enough ( which scares me)  but when I do I feel great. I walked along the river and perched upon th...

How is it that wanting to be "normal" can stretch to such lengths? I remember after finally coming home after all the post Jack events wanting everyone to leave so we could find our "normal". My chest hurt where my incision was and my leg ached where the vessel was harvested, my c section hurt but I just wanted to be NORMAL. I waddled around my kitchen and made bottles for our baby, ironed the girls uniforms and did my best to look and feel as if EVERYTHING IS JUST FINE HERE.  KEEP MOVING ... NOTHING TO SEE HERE. What was normal before, was no longer. Here we are 7 years later and still trying to figure out what is OUR NORMAL.  Nothing to look at here gang we are just rolling along trying to stay out of LIFES way.   This weekend was a good one.  We enjoyed the company of really cool Moms and Dads People I have grown to trust with our boy.  Trust with my family.  It is hard to expose yourselves to groups of people when you don't know how they w...

This is going to be a tough one. Lots of "shitty shtuff"  coming along with this post. Alot of good shit too though. The family wedding, my darling cousin molly marrying her sweetheart Matt, in two weeks.  We have ALL been waiting for this event for YEARS.  With all the anticipation, everyone is coming. My brother Rick and his family, except Kaleigh :( are coming from New Mexico. All the extended family. My daughters their dates. EVERYONE.   Including my ex husband. I want him to be there.  I have thought about this long and hard and truly want him there.  Molly was the flower girl in our wedding. We visited Molly when she was a newborn and sick in the hospital.  That was when Tim asked me to marry him someday.  So we could have babies like "her" someday. Well we did, We married, had beautiful daughters smart, sassy, gorgeous. Now Molly gets married and we will be there together. I am going to be at this wedding with my HU...

God heard me last night.  Jack woke up this morning, and was back.  After sleeping 12 hours yesterday I think the medication is out of his system.  Thank you Jesus, God, Allah, EVERYONE for that. We had an awesome day at school today.  Note from teacher read, I think we turned a corner today and we had a great day! He played nicely with his friends, had no outbursts, was kind, did his work and was attentive.. Believe me, this is not the end of our tearful, help me with this boy posts. But its the end of today, and we survived, it was a good day and I am happy and grateful... And still alive. We are still wtihout electronics, it has not been eas but the benefits have been worth it so far. We went to Barnes and Noble tonight played legos for an hour, trains for 30 minutes went for chinese food, worked our spelling words twice! He is asleep in his bed, clean, content and still alive. Here is a photo of our boy with his sister Allie, who I must say LOVES this ...

Remember last week one day I explained and lamented about the decision making concerning starting Jack on a stimulant medication for control of his ADHD symptoms? I made the decision to start him on a medication named Concerta.  After a long struggle with that decisonI turned it over to God to let this work for him. He began on the Thursday before our trip to Vermont. By Saturday, I knew it wasnt going to work. He displayed old behaviors we hadn't seen in years. He was explosively angry, unreasonable, and easily frightened. He is usally adventurous, he was afraid a Fox may show up while on a walk outside outside our little cabin.  Afraid to put his feet down on the grass? I knew these were not good signs. Little did I know it could and would get worse within a week. He returned to school on Monday and all hell has broken loose. He has been explosive, yelling at teachers?? angry at friends, and so argumentative it is frightening. I stopped the medication after exactl...

Here is our boy in front of George Washington on Liberty Square. I told him about the first president, and the "Birthplace of America". Where America discovered it could be independent from a King in a faraway land. This is where brave men came over 200 years ago to do what was thought to be impossible. He got some of it, most was surely, "bloah blah blah" Mom words. But I said it and we did it and we enjoyed it. We took the duck tour of Philadelphia and the Delaware river.  He loved to Duck part, and quacking at people on street.  I enjoyed the history and people watching. There was also a rally in Liberty square filled with nearly 10.000 people joined to "Keep God in Politics." Pat Robertson was there, along with representatives of the Muslim faith and Jewish faith. Of course plenty of Christians gathered singing prayerful songs and handing out pamphlets with repulsive pics of aborted fetus's. What makes anyone of any faith think its ok to...

So here I am. If I didn't know me I would say-"She looks like a nice person." The green sweater a hand me down from my cousin Molly, who loves to shop-therefore-I get new stuff!  The scarf is Allies, a bright yellow, green, orange.  Goes with everything and handy when I want cover my scar.  I am smiling because at the time I didn't hate my husband.  He was telling me to smile as if I was in LOVE with him for the first time.  Sometimes that is not hard to do.  He can be so loveable.  He can also be so difficult.  But that smile, I believe is brought to you directly from Andy, the most aggravating, annoying man that I love.  My hair is getting very long.  it remains curly and I am not the greatest at keeping it colored.  So my greys are peeking out at the temples.  I think I should just let it happen and go gray. This pic is a great example of why I Love/Hate my husband. we had been driving,(driving driving driving) through...