Dancing with my husband...'s.

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This is going to be a tough one.
Lots of "shitty shtuff"  coming along with this post.
Alot of good shit too though.

The family wedding, my darling cousin molly marrying her sweetheart Matt, in two weeks.  We have ALL been waiting for this event for YEARS. 
With all the anticipation, everyone is coming.

My brother Rick and his family, except Kaleigh :( are coming from New Mexico.
All the extended family.
My daughters their dates.
EVERYONE.   Including my ex husband.
I want him to be there.  I have thought about this long and hard and truly want him there. 
Molly was the flower girl in our wedding.
We visited Molly when she was a newborn and sick in the hospital. 
That was when Tim asked me to marry him someday.  So we could have babies like "her" someday.
Well we did, We married, had beautiful daughters smart, sassy, gorgeous.
Now Molly gets married and we will be there together.
I am going to be at this wedding with my HUSBAND.
ANDY.
Who has done more for me, spiritually, emotionally and metaphorically than people can imagine.
He is what saved me from myself when I thought the loss of Tim would END ME.
He was and is everything I asked for when I needed distraction.
So at our table at this wedding of the century will be ALL my brothers, my mother, my husband, and my ex husband.
We are family. 
We lost the chance to be the "couple" when we let go of what we may have had.
I don't even know what we had anymore.
It is just memories now, and always better than it truly was - when you are almost ten years out.
Am I broken?  Yes.
Like anything that breaks, and gets put back together, It is never exactly the way it started.
The gaping holes and missing pieces have been filled with Andy and Jack.
I am not the 17 year old girl that met Tim on my side porch on a blind date.
That girl was lost when she was lonely, and felt unwanted, and dismissed.
She morphed to a woman that had to learn to take those needs and try to fill them with HER OWN abilities.
I got lost more than once.  I am so far from INDEPENDENT and so codependent that I scare myself.
But at least I know it now.
I can't let go of the "what was, or could have beens"
When I have really (relatively) good NOWS!!!
I look back, for the same reason I always looked forward.  Wondering "What else?"
I will cry at this wedding, Ii will cry tears of joy for my cousin that I know has gotten this RIGHT.
She will have a life time partner that gets IT.
That is joyful.
I will cry for my Andy, that will stand next to me, hold my hand, as I cry.  Knowing I am crying for those reasons and many more.
He knows....
Such a monumental thing.....
To stand next to your wife that still cries for a lost husband.
He also knows that I love him, everyday, even when I don't like him one bit, I always always love him.
He came in, and showed a lost and broken girl, how to feel like a woman.  Believe that she was beautiful, even on my broken days, with literal and figurative broken heart.
I will laugh and celebrate with my brothers, the truest men in my life.  The three that will always have my back.  When its turned, cold and lying flat out on the ground they were there.
My Mother, my best friend, more than words through tears of gratitude that I still have her.
And Tim.
We will celebrate that day Molly gets married.
We were there when she came into the world on the shoestring of life she had.
Turned into a charming beautiful smart funny example of everything you want your daughters to be like.
It won't be the celebration we may have thought of, but when your exhusband can still make you cry tears of happiness and gratitude....
You are doing something right.
I may have to dance at least once with Mr. Bailey.  Then go home with my husband, Mr. Tuzinski....
Because thats what I do.
Mazel Tov!!!!


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