Flaming June's Love

Just a quick observation... blogs are about food, knitting or about being saved. No doubt all of these things are great and I would love to have any of the three as a larger part of my life but... Where are the blogs from Moms that are struggling with working and keeping a clean house. How bout the women that have too few women friends but more than enough dishes and ideas. That is my next blogs name. Equal number of dirty dishes as dreams. hmm. I like it.

I woke this morning as I do most every morning. Our son wrestles the doorknob a bit and swings the door wide open and anounces "The sun is up Mommy its TIIIIMMMME!" Andy and I are well aware of what time it is- It is DAYTIME!!!! Yes for Jack Daytime is a new start. Fresh bright full of possibilities. His joyful chatter about blankets, kitty cats, getting into bed with us "IN DA MIDDLE Mom" As both Andy and I move to our perspective sides of the bed to let the whirling blonde hair and race car jammies find his fumfy schpott. (comfy spot, for those of you that do not speak Jackanese) There must be room for the kitty and blanket in order to achieve full fumfy potential. Then jack will lie there between us and be quiet. My eyes are usually closed but I face him. Since we have not come to a place to cover the windows in our bedroom the morning sun pours in and lands directly on our bed by 730. I can open my eyes and see his face, all round and clear. His eyes wi...

I havent mentioned much about Christmas while blogging. I really havent been motivated to blog. I am sitting in the family room tonight after teaching an evening class and just admiring the Christmas tree. I have posted a pic of our tree so you can get a feel for how IMPORTANT the THINGS ARE. I am sitting here and can actually SEE LOVE dripping from our tree. Twenty five years of accumulated Love are hung from every available branch. Betty my Mother in Law that passed away in the summer gave Tim and I an ornament every year. Then when the girls came along they got one as well. She enjoyed the Christmas around the world catalogs and would send us a special one every year. Sadly to say we have had "TREE ACCIDENTS" many years and sometimes more than once a year so we have lost more than we have at this point. Bu the wooden reindeer and jeweled crosses and wooden plaid bears were from her. There are ornaments for the girls from MaryEllen that are decorated with Precious mom...

I have alot to think about. I do know a few things. My daughters are my courage. My son is my challenge. My husband is my bittersweetness. My mother is my reminder. My brothers are my past. My job is my out. I had a beautiful Christmas, I am now typing on my beautiful new Dell laptop. I will be able to blog anytime I want. As long as I find something to say.

I dont know what that title means but it sounds intriguing. I have alot of titles that would make for an awesome post I just dont have the conversation to complete the tag. How about The last thing i wished for.... The last thing I didnt want to happen but did was.... When I looked in your eyes the last time I saw.... I laughed so hard it made me cry... I stepped off the plane and... I got into my car and went... You were the reason I... And one of my favorite non existent posts... You know its true, you just havent digested it yet. Hmm. I have so much to write about, Christmas shopping, Thanksgiving that came and went. Jacks progress, Missi's college search. Allies trials and tribulations at College. My struggle with preholiday blues. Also the ticking of our families clock on the next disaster to hit. I am hearing it. I feel it in my bones. I dont want it, dread it but know it is coming. The night my Mom called from the hospital that Dad was fine but in the ER, I turned direct...

I heard the guy from the south that is a comedian. That is NOT WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT. If you couldnt speak and had to communicate with people by holding up one sign with one sentence or sentiment written on it, what would your sign say.? Im Sorry. You are Loved. There is always Hope. Try Again. Call your Mother. Forgive yourself. I see your beauty from here. It is true. I am valuable. I am fragile. I am smiling inside. I will be your friend. Let it go. Choose, then move on. Take a deep breath. Make a list. Write it down. It feels better once on the outside of your head. HuG ME!!!

How many people did you see today? How many people do you know their names? How many would you say hello to if you saw them somewhere? How many are hugworthy? How many would you invite out for coffee? How many to your home? How many would your remember next year, two years, ten? How many were family, and how many did you want to be family? How many were lovers or were you just in momentary love with? How many will you remember in your last minutes in this world? I have been listing lately. Not tilting list, but 1 to 10, a to z, most to least listing. My favorite patients, I recall at most 5. Favorites because they taught me something about myself through I believe, divine intervention. A patient that had a heart attack while visiting his son in the burn unit. I took care of the son but visited the father in the icu. The son died, the father died a few hours later. I learned about a parents love of their child from him. The Dad was in his eighties his son, in his sixties. Neverth...

I am not a Mormon, but what would that mean if I was? I have found people on the blogger world that are Mormons and have incredible, hope, compassion, Faith in humanity, family ties that are unbreakable. What am I? I am undefined at the moment in the religious world. Or should I say not quite in a certain genre of religion. I am raised Catholic but not considered one the "flock" since I am remarried without annullment. I am a very spiritual person and see God in my life everyday. I believe in Jesus Christ as the son of God and as savior for those who call upon him and believe in him. So what does that make me? A displaced gentile? I have thought about finding a new church. But have ties to the old from history. Either way Mormon is from the outside a way of life. I admire their courage to simply follow the rules. It appears to me that the tenacity to "do the right thing" as exampled by Jesus Christ and his desciples should be a religion.? What religion ...

I have been through alot, kids, marriages, deaths, loss of friends, and a tangle with the here after. Prior to all that shtuff I was a typical girl who worried about how I looked and, in turn, interested in who was looking at me. I was never a stunningly gorgeous girl, but I must admit I was attractive and charming. People thought I was funny, smart and had an attractive figure. I remain, smart, and funny, but I dont quite have the figure I used to. I miss it. I miss feeling people look at me. I knew when men watched me and I would play somewhat oblivious and at the last minute pass a look or wink. Most of all I could smile at anyone. I smiled at young women, old men, kids, anyone. I think that was just my thing. I wasnt pretty to the point of being intimidating, but attractive enough that people looked at me. I dont have it anymore. I am smart, funny and entertaining. But I am not the one that the a man thinks to take home with him for the night. I know I shouldn't car...

And the apples are nice too.

I lived in East Stroudsburg PA 6 months after we were married. I was newly pregnant and 22 years old. I had lived with my Mom from day one and away at college had the mighty meal ticket. I tried to make "meals" for my husband but honestly I had NO F*&^ing clue where to start. There were ramen dinners, spaghetti and lots and lots of fried bologna. My Father used to go back and forth between PA and NJ periodically for meetings at the firehouse. Our home was halfway between. Dad would stop by and visit for a few minutes then I would ask if he wanted coffee? "sure, Ill take a cup." I would get a new pot going and then sit again at the kitchen table to chat about the news from wherever he had been. I would pour his coffee and he would ask me to make it "like yours" I always had whole milk and real sugar in the house. Real butter and real eggs were rationed sine his cholesterol and waistline were growing since his retirement. Anytime he would vis...

Rain is pummeling the house. If I looked outside there must be stones falling from the sky. Jack and Andy went for their Saturday morning dippies. Of course you know dippies are grilled cheese sandwiches with ketchup on the side. They went to the hockey game last night and I went out with Joann for sushi and a couple sakitini's. I am now sitting here with a house that is quiet and relatively clean since the boys stayed in bed for a bit longer today since it was cartoons with fruit snacks. I want to go to the grocery store, maybe get a big fat roast to throw in the crock pot with maybe a pie to make this afternoon. I enjoy the cooking, more importantly I love to watch anyone eat what I made. There is so much LOVE poured into any meal that is made with someone else in mind. I can imagine Andy eating a hunk of pot roast with mashed taters and glazed carrots. That in turn makes me want to cook it. I can see Jack asking for "More, Mommy, More please." HHHUUUUUURRRRY!!!!...

Im hungry, but feel sick to my stomach. I hope I am not brewing some funk. Andy is away all week and that is usually a necessary evil accompanied by my own tv at night and any music in the kitchen I want. Problem being that if I am sick or the boy is sick I am pretty much the one and only. Its going to be ok though because I have free HBO and Cinemax for the next month or so. Along with a thousand books I need to read, hours at the gym, notes to write, blogging to do, people to reconnect with, bloodwork to have done (fasting). Oh yeah so I have alot to do but, I have free HBO this month. Enough said.

Hey I'd like to talk to you. Yeah you the one typing without anything to say. I want you to know that you are pretty damn lucky to be lying in your queen size bed next to a man that talks to you in his sleep. He may kick the blankets out every night from their perfectly tucked position but hey It could be worse. He comes home from work and wants to kiss you EVERYDAY. Your girls, well they are always on time, when you give them a curfew and they usually call when they are supposed to. They say they love you EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. They are beautiful, smart, and most importantly funny. They dont take themselves too seriously and have never been accused of being quitters. Nothing worse than a quitter. Your little boy? well you know the one that didnt talk? well he is talking. ALOT!! He told you about his walk with Daddy tonight on his bike, and how he pedalled all the way up the hill and went WEEEEE all the way down. He kisses you "many many many times Mommy" all wet snot...

Andy- this is our wedding song. I was watching tv this morning about the young lady that was kidnapped many years zago and just found, I was sad and thinking about my girls. He saw me sad and put this song on for me. He is My Life..... I loved you more. My Mom- When I was a little girl my MOm would play her records. The record player was in the living room and when my Dad wasnt home she would have a marathon. I would sit on the floor and look at all the record covers. I examined every inch and detail. I had never seen any broadway shows, nor had I any idea what the words meant but boy I knew all the words strung together. Singing my heart out about Lipshitz, and "he had it coming!" My Mom used to vhs MTV videos that she liked and then when it was quiet she would push play and listen to her favorite stuff!!! No wonder we all love music and a good dance.

OK so this is an image might take a while but here goes. Have you ever seen a cartoon of someone holding onto a hose with lots of pressure inside it which in turn whips and snakes the holder all about. Almost as if it were alive and trying to shake the holder loose? Why doesnt the person just let go? Dont they realize that the pressure is too great and they are not going to regain control, just continue to get whipped about? Why hold on so long? I have images of holding on too long, which in turn is only beating me up more for no purpose than to say I didnt "give up". Some instances I just cant let go. I cant let go. You cant make me. I enjoy the ride I guess. Like he a%%hole Dr. Phil says "Hows that working for Ya?" Its not working for me, but what is the alternative? The unknown truly is worse than the reality. 10 things I want to do before I die. 1. Sleep outside, in a sleeping bag, under the stars. 2. Sit in a pub and drink beer with strangers. 3. Go the g...

There is no time line, just TIME. The pictures are from the spot my Dad wanted his ashes spread. Mom and I went last week to take a peek and possibly purchase a tree in his memory at the hole on the golfcourse. OK so this is your view Dad. I hope that you see it more than once a day from your vantage point. I held up the camera and clicked away. I wanted to see you somewhere in the shadows of the trees, in the patterns of grass, or flight of birds. I didnt see you. I did see a beautiful spot of earth. I saw why you loved it so much and why you would want this to be a final resting place for you. Although your "dust" or "parts" are not there, I believe there was a wisp of your spirit in the air. That is ok for me. Ill take it. It is now a place to go for you. Someplace that I finally feel you ARE. I'll be visiting again real soon.

The time is here again. The fist time I did this I thought that by this time I would be soooo used to the "letting go" part. I probably would have been. But so much has changed in the year and half since Allie came home from college. I have come to know her. To say we are without our difference would be a lie. We bicker and twist with one another almost everyday. But I also know she is my line to reminding me "Im ok" I have to again let go and let it happen. Just lay back and let Life move. forward. She is only two hours away and I know with Kendall in her heart at this point she will be home often enough. I feel anticipatory preemptive cryfest. I am doing it when no one is looking. I am doing it with my eyes closed, my heart beating and with a tighter grip on my Missi and Jack. I want to let go, and smile. I am practicing as we speak. I am letting go right now, right now.... ok Ill let go... in the morning.

So 1460 days have passed since my "last day". August 18th 2005 started out as a day to be happy our boy would be coming home the next day from the hospital. He was small and a little bit stingey in the breathing department when he first arrived, but he was all around ready to go. I had breast fed him around 3 pm that day. My milk was just about fully in so I was feeling some relief about that. By 5 I wasn't feeling very well I had been having some concerning symptoms but wrote them off as indigestion and gas form the c section. My pressure was elevated but no one else seemed terribly concerned and I was totally into our new boy... so. The rest of the story is starting to become foggy. I plan on writing it all out real soon. I know there are some oddities that I need to definitely write somewhere, I just had too good of a day to rehash it all now. I was thinking the other day that I needed or wanted to write all the good things I have had, done, seen, enjoyed since...

Why I was sitting in an Algebra class when I would never ever use the information was beyond me. I sat at the desk with the "not wood", yet "not plastic" writing surface. It was easily scratched since the thin veneer could be removed with the clip of an ink pen. I never wrote anything into it since, I never had much to say to the High School population. The desk held commentary concerning the teacher standing in the front of the class. According to the desk she was a shithead. I didnt see it myself, she seemed nice enough, a friendly smile, new slipper ballet shoes and obliged me by never calling on me. I had just returned from my mid morning smoke break. I would leave every class and meet Amy by the blue door for a 3 minute Parliament. We created smoke breaks as Sophomores in HS. Ten minutes into every new class we would sheepishly ask for a bathroom pass, since neither of us were notorious we received our pass and clogged our way to the second blue door, ...

We had a nice day with Danny. The food was good, everyone seemed to get along and we were ALMOST all here. My brother Rick and his family live in NM, that is a long way away. He called and wished Danny a welcome home and everything good phonecall. That is a good thing. Dannys buddies from Penn State came and they all hung outside and in the garage. There was the traditional beer pong. Of course with designated drivers. Missi and Allie were playing along with Peep and their guys. A few of the cousins showed up, along with Aunt Cathy and Ella. Jack was a great boy and behaved well. He is getting so big anymore. I am really starting to think I might keep him til his fourth birthday which is Saturday. (i am kidding btw.) My brother Dan was good, in his quiet watchful way. Dave was chatting and excited to share his finds. Mom was busy watching Dannys video of graduation and just enjoying all the company I think. The kids got lottery tickets because we really thought that this wa...

Tomorrow is our party. It is going to be sweet. We went to he airport last night and greeted him, he was taller, thinner, tanner and something... else. My brother was giving us a few stories that he shared with them and it was enlightening. He has video to share with us tomorrow and I am looking forward to that. I want him to know how much we love him. How much he is loved everyday. Dan shared that Danny got through the training without much difficulty. He was tough and followed directions and got through it. I am so proud. Hope he enjoys OUR time together tomorrow. I will take lots and lots of pictures to share with the rest of the gang in NM. Tomorrow is three years. Tomorrow he will be more with us than ever before. I know what this experience would have meant to our Dad. I like to think that Dannys courage got him through the difficulty of his Parris Island. I also like to think that his Grandfathers were there giving him a little bit more when he needed it. Pop, I hope you...

The 31st of July was my brother Ricks Birthday. I usually post my "tribute" on the day of the birthday, but I have been thinking about this one for an extra long time. My brother Rick is in himself an exceptional person. He is a very hard worker and never accused of being lazy. He can build anything with just an idea, hammer and a box of nails. He has a patient personality, always gives people a second, third and fourth chance, but once he is pissed, look out!!! You can invite him anywhere and he will make a friend. He is eternally committed to his family. Now the rest of it. He is one of the only people I would go to in a real pinch. he has a level head and can give advice without is sounding "preachy". Growing up he and my dad had their tiffs and would butt heads. It came to pass that they were so much alike that it took adulthood to bond them as friends. His blue eyes and the way he holds his cigarette are so Pop that it can make me cry looking at him sometime...

I believe in the goodness of people. I think everyone is inherently lovable, just misunderstood-or not well. I can feel people trying, watch them push themselves and work for "more"

The complex in which my Mother lives has a competition every summer for the most beautiful porch in the complex. She began planning for this event in April. She planted the seeds of the morning glories and petunias as well. Then built a trellis system on the two ends of the porch. She then suspended strings and crosslines in the front. SHe got the buggers to grow up and over the top of her porch roof and down the front. She won the contest for "Best in show" It is a BIG DEAL. I am so proud of her, for putting herself out there and trying something new. She worked on nurturing these plants from seed in anticipation of the contest. I have never known her to do anything halfway. That is my Mom. I took a class in elementary school. It was after school and my parents had to pay for this crafting lessons thing. It was to make a marionette. I was not a crafty girl, nor am I a crafty woman. My Mother on the other hand is a motivated, non quitter. I tried to make a marione...

My sister in law sent us the prayer for tonight between 9 and 10 for Danny. If anyone out there reads this please send it up to GOD for our boy. One more long arduous week until he comes home for a short ten days. We are having a welcome home party here for him on August 9. Yes August 9 we welcome recruit Jones home from Parris Island. Three years to the day after sending our Dad to Heaven with our prayers. Life is a strange and awesome journey. How can one date be so packed full of Love. Please remember Danny from 9 to 10 tonight. Thanks for the prayers. MARINE PRAYER Father, in the coming days, I will need you, but my recruit will need You more! Let him perform his tasks with a sense of duty, not of anger or vengeance. Let his reflexes be quick and his hands steady. Let his head be clear and his eyes sharp. Let his mind and body be strong and his spirit stronger. God, please stand by my recruit and watch his back when he cannot! Father, I love this recruit of mine! Take from ME, w...

Today. I was thinking about my Dad. I can go back 3 years and try to recall the dirty, heartwrenching details of where and what was going on. I think about it and I still get that turn in my stomach, with the heat behind my eyes, that is fair warning from my psyche that I am about to weep. To weep means to me that my broken heart is reminding me it is still there and although my life goes on it is NOT the same, and is NOT right without him. I can see him so vividly-so clearly in his normal healthy state. I had the feeling this morning that I was going to see him. Drive by the old house Suzie, he will be on the porch. I did get into my car and drive the short 5 miles-excuse being coffee from DD- He wasnt there. Why do I do that? Why do I continue to ask for reminders of our loss? Why do I want to cry when his spot is empty on the porch? Why do I turn my feelings over and over in my heart only to conjure a 30 second crying fit, every time? If I look back on my posts from the 1 yea...