1460
So 1460 days have passed since my "last day".
August 18th 2005 started out as a day to be happy our boy would be coming home the next day from the hospital. He was small and a little bit stingey in the breathing department when he first arrived, but he was all around ready to go. I had breast fed him around 3 pm that day. My milk was just about fully in so I was feeling some relief about that. By 5 I wasn't feeling very well I had been having some concerning symptoms but wrote them off as indigestion and gas form the c section. My pressure was elevated but no one else seemed terribly concerned and I was totally into our new boy... so.
The rest of the story is starting to become foggy. I plan on writing it all out real soon. I know there are some oddities that I need to definitely write somewhere, I just had too good of a day to rehash it all now.
I was thinking the other day that I needed or wanted to write all the good things I have had, done, seen, enjoyed since day 1. you know AD. After Death.
I could list out of 1460- 1459 will be labeled the kids and Andy. But that would be too easy and almost a cheap out.
I am going to list the things that I recall as exceptionally happy to be here days. Also some not so happy days , but better than not being here.
I also have two or three horrible life altering days that although I know they would be less painful for me had I not been alive, I prefer to be alive and suffering than leave my children and family without me. Am I so self absorbed to think the family couldn't get by without me? NO, absolutely NO. I believe that we are made to survive what we are given, it just wasn't time for my children, husband and family to be without me yet.
So back to the LIST.
Was there something everyday that was remarkable? In my world, yes.
Did I recognize the wonder of it all everyday? NO.
Are we wired to be grateful everyday? I think we are capable of humility, but rely on the status quo.
Accountable to God for our blessings.? Not enough. At least not me anyway.
I have had students thank me for being the one to open their eyes to new ideas, and making them believe they can do something more.
I have had teenagers cry about broken hearts and new loves and lost friendships.
I have heard my husbands dreams about our new home and seen his dream come true. Watched him build things with only his determination and will to "not be beaten".
I have seen my Mother change from a wife with a broken heart, to a woman that believes in living in spite of her losses.
In the past four years my daughters have fallen in Love. They have had sad broken hearts and a few friendships that were disappointing. They have tried new things and failed at them. But have met new obstacles with majority of optimism and eagerness to adapt. I have watched this growth from a seat right next to theirs, and for that I am grateful.
I have felt my niece Kaleigh turn from my "niece" to also my friend. She has become someone I admire as a woman that leads by example, not just words. Its easy to say you will be there for someone in need at their darkest hour, but when faced with someone elses nightmare and be able to hold their hand through it - takes courage given by God.
My Nephew Danny has become a beacon of COURAGE for all of us as well as a vehicle for me to reattach to my faith. I have felt the need to pray. Pray for his safety, his health, his mental and emotional grasp. So in my selfish way I am benefiting from his endeavor into service. I hope to help him with my prayers and faith in Gods will to take care of him.
The first eight weeks of my recovery are now whisps of moments that come and go. I remember Andy lying me on the couch three times a day to unpack and clean then repack the wound in my abdomen. I was mortified that he had to see me like that, but he joked about it and talked his way through it and eventually my abdominal wound healed and my pride began to sweep back in. The aftermath of heart surgery was not as easy. I grappled with the first eight weeks of not caring for my son the way I wanted. Nights at 8 being sent to bed, with a glass of water and a pat on the head. I had to rest to heal and caring for a new born was not the way to recovery. My husband cared for Jack overnight while working during the day and caring for me when not tied to everything else. I watched him grow from a single Bachelor with responsibilities few and far between. to a man with a new born son, two teenage step daughters,and a wife recovering from open heart surgery.
His answer to that? He would do it all again tomorrow.
Lastly of the 1460 that have transpired there have been days of down "why am I here?" to up "I wouldnt trade a second."
I believe that all the mornings of four years have amounted to a history of befores and afters.
Before I was grateful and after.
Before I knew what it is to live-die-and live again.
Before having a man that loves me for me.
I have a spirited family, with endless amounts of talents.
We have boundless love for one another and hopefully a touch of reality concerning the difference a minute makes in the outcome of a life. I am example of the difference a minute makes.
Boy am I glad for that.
Finally, to those of you that were there, I remember you. I remember each of you in my haze of recovery, and...
It all counts.
Every word said, every hand held, every prayer said and every tear cried. I remember the words whispered in my ear.
I remember the house cleanings done, the grocery shopping taken care of, the dinners cooked for my children and husband.
My sister in laws that took care of my daughters when they needed someone there. I know that and you are loved. My Mother that was recovering from her own surgery but sat with me and we recovered together, with a newborn Jack to deal with.
I love all of you and cant imagine anyone being more loved.
Last but not least.
If the question ever comes up whether or not I would have had this had I not had Jack.
Believe me, if it weren't for Jack I wouldn't be here at all. Jack was planted by Gods hands, to save me 9 months later from a life that was full but not full enough. Without Jack I would have just died from a heart attack somewhere at a very young age without ever knowing what it means to try again. I believe Jack is my angel saving me from my own demise. Dont let anyone ever tell him he hurt me in any way, he saved me. A blessing.
Thanks to all and to all a good 1461.
August 18th 2005 started out as a day to be happy our boy would be coming home the next day from the hospital. He was small and a little bit stingey in the breathing department when he first arrived, but he was all around ready to go. I had breast fed him around 3 pm that day. My milk was just about fully in so I was feeling some relief about that. By 5 I wasn't feeling very well I had been having some concerning symptoms but wrote them off as indigestion and gas form the c section. My pressure was elevated but no one else seemed terribly concerned and I was totally into our new boy... so.
The rest of the story is starting to become foggy. I plan on writing it all out real soon. I know there are some oddities that I need to definitely write somewhere, I just had too good of a day to rehash it all now.
I was thinking the other day that I needed or wanted to write all the good things I have had, done, seen, enjoyed since day 1. you know AD. After Death.
I could list out of 1460- 1459 will be labeled the kids and Andy. But that would be too easy and almost a cheap out.
I am going to list the things that I recall as exceptionally happy to be here days. Also some not so happy days , but better than not being here.
I also have two or three horrible life altering days that although I know they would be less painful for me had I not been alive, I prefer to be alive and suffering than leave my children and family without me. Am I so self absorbed to think the family couldn't get by without me? NO, absolutely NO. I believe that we are made to survive what we are given, it just wasn't time for my children, husband and family to be without me yet.
So back to the LIST.
Was there something everyday that was remarkable? In my world, yes.
Did I recognize the wonder of it all everyday? NO.
Are we wired to be grateful everyday? I think we are capable of humility, but rely on the status quo.
Accountable to God for our blessings.? Not enough. At least not me anyway.
I have had students thank me for being the one to open their eyes to new ideas, and making them believe they can do something more.
I have had teenagers cry about broken hearts and new loves and lost friendships.
I have heard my husbands dreams about our new home and seen his dream come true. Watched him build things with only his determination and will to "not be beaten".
I have seen my Mother change from a wife with a broken heart, to a woman that believes in living in spite of her losses.
In the past four years my daughters have fallen in Love. They have had sad broken hearts and a few friendships that were disappointing. They have tried new things and failed at them. But have met new obstacles with majority of optimism and eagerness to adapt. I have watched this growth from a seat right next to theirs, and for that I am grateful.
I have felt my niece Kaleigh turn from my "niece" to also my friend. She has become someone I admire as a woman that leads by example, not just words. Its easy to say you will be there for someone in need at their darkest hour, but when faced with someone elses nightmare and be able to hold their hand through it - takes courage given by God.
My Nephew Danny has become a beacon of COURAGE for all of us as well as a vehicle for me to reattach to my faith. I have felt the need to pray. Pray for his safety, his health, his mental and emotional grasp. So in my selfish way I am benefiting from his endeavor into service. I hope to help him with my prayers and faith in Gods will to take care of him.
The first eight weeks of my recovery are now whisps of moments that come and go. I remember Andy lying me on the couch three times a day to unpack and clean then repack the wound in my abdomen. I was mortified that he had to see me like that, but he joked about it and talked his way through it and eventually my abdominal wound healed and my pride began to sweep back in. The aftermath of heart surgery was not as easy. I grappled with the first eight weeks of not caring for my son the way I wanted. Nights at 8 being sent to bed, with a glass of water and a pat on the head. I had to rest to heal and caring for a new born was not the way to recovery. My husband cared for Jack overnight while working during the day and caring for me when not tied to everything else. I watched him grow from a single Bachelor with responsibilities few and far between. to a man with a new born son, two teenage step daughters,and a wife recovering from open heart surgery.
His answer to that? He would do it all again tomorrow.
Lastly of the 1460 that have transpired there have been days of down "why am I here?" to up "I wouldnt trade a second."
I believe that all the mornings of four years have amounted to a history of befores and afters.
Before I was grateful and after.
Before I knew what it is to live-die-and live again.
Before having a man that loves me for me.
I have a spirited family, with endless amounts of talents.
We have boundless love for one another and hopefully a touch of reality concerning the difference a minute makes in the outcome of a life. I am example of the difference a minute makes.
Boy am I glad for that.
Finally, to those of you that were there, I remember you. I remember each of you in my haze of recovery, and...
It all counts.
Every word said, every hand held, every prayer said and every tear cried. I remember the words whispered in my ear.
I remember the house cleanings done, the grocery shopping taken care of, the dinners cooked for my children and husband.
My sister in laws that took care of my daughters when they needed someone there. I know that and you are loved. My Mother that was recovering from her own surgery but sat with me and we recovered together, with a newborn Jack to deal with.
I love all of you and cant imagine anyone being more loved.
Last but not least.
If the question ever comes up whether or not I would have had this had I not had Jack.
Believe me, if it weren't for Jack I wouldn't be here at all. Jack was planted by Gods hands, to save me 9 months later from a life that was full but not full enough. Without Jack I would have just died from a heart attack somewhere at a very young age without ever knowing what it means to try again. I believe Jack is my angel saving me from my own demise. Dont let anyone ever tell him he hurt me in any way, he saved me. A blessing.
Thanks to all and to all a good 1461.
Comments
I just returned from taking LuLu to school and thought I would check out Flaming June's Love. I I just clicked on '06 without thinking and read how much you were hurting during that time right after dad's death. I had to stop reading, went out and smoked two cigs. in a row, and said I'll come back and write some of my thoughts to you.
I have tried to block out all the details of those few weeks(I am good at that)and still firmly believe we did the right thing in ending dad's suffering and everyone's living nightmare. I miss him terribly also but that is just the way it is. I have been depressed lately. worrying about my job being moved, Julie losing her job because of her injury, worried about KK doing everything right except helping herself do well in school and just generally missing everyone back home. I really had to move out here for my marriage, JJ and I just don't do well together back there, for many resons. So I am sorry if that adds to your heartache.
You are an incredible writer and person, keep up the great work with your family and and your life. I'll bouce back and feel better, I guess I am like dad in that I don't like not being in control of my own destiny as it relates to work. Maybe they will send us East closer to you all-I'm feeling better already!
I don't mean to bumm you out but it feels good to be able to vent to you through Flaming June's Love.
Love ya,
Ricky