Today, tomorrow, and everyday after.

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Today.
I was thinking about my Dad. I can go back 3 years and try to recall the dirty, heartwrenching details of where and what was going on. I think about it and I still get that turn in my stomach, with the heat behind my eyes, that is fair warning from my psyche that I am about to weep. To weep means to me that my broken heart is reminding me it is still there and although my life goes on it is NOT the same, and is NOT right without him. I can see him so vividly-so clearly in his normal healthy state. I had the feeling this morning that I was going to see him.
Drive by the old house Suzie, he will be on the porch.
I did get into my car and drive the short 5 miles-excuse being coffee from DD- He wasnt there.
Why do I do that?
Why do I continue to ask for reminders of our loss?
Why do I want to cry when his spot is empty on the porch?
Why do I turn my feelings over and over in my heart only to conjure a 30 second crying fit, every time?
If I look back on my posts from the 1 year anniversary I know the emotions will be much more clearcut. As will the order of events, actions of my family and the GUILT will also be clearly defined.
I dont want to go there.
I know where my feelings lie tonight as far as Dad is concerned.
He is gone, we have continued to live.
We have laughed, and held closely to what was always good.
We have been disappointed, We have cried for other reasons. We have wished him here and wailed for the injustice and feelings of being cheated out time with him.
I know that there are two options in the end. Either what we hope for is actually what is coming and the after life is a joyous reunion and place of reflection of life.
Or it is just the end, dark, empty and dreamless sleep.
The latter will really piss me off.
So in the case of today- I have tried to make my every today worth being here. I may not always feel like being here but I am not giving up in spite of myself.
Now my tomorrow note.
My girl Allie is 20 tomorrow.
I remember the Dr telling us we had a girl.
I was so happy. Tim always said I cursed him because I was hoping for girls the whole time and that meant he didnt have chance for a boy.
Hes an ass.
I can tell you that my first child has always been-my partner.
We seem to understand each other. I am so grateful for HER. People see her and remark how beautiful she is. I know but she is beautiful inside throughout.
I admire her and cant wait to see where she takes us.

Everyday-
Allie is my reward for something bigger than me.
Allie shows me that some things JUST DONT MATTER.
I miss my Dad, but am grateful to have the people I have.
I think about the day "I died" and wonder if I made the right decision.
Then remind myself of all I would have missed, that would be unforgivable.
I believe the message from "otherworld" is to love today, tomorrow and everyday- whatever comes our way.

I am attaching some pictuees from the farmers market from Thursday, amazing colored produce. Hope you enjoy.
The joy is in the day, so peek at the purple peppers and onions.
The red white and blue berries,
and apples that look good enough to pull from the page.

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