Flaming June's Love

 Living in NJ as a child we grew up waiting for our trips to PA.  That was who we were, on the inside.  I often had a challenge trying to explain that my family lived in Pennsylvania. What family?  Your Mom Dad and brothers are here, do you mean your grandparents?   Well, yes, them and my Aunts Uncles, great Aunts Uncle, and cousins... endless amounts of cousins. The cousins, were not just people you know of.. my cousins are my people.  Generations of our family I can see in my mind.  I have loved generations of these families and we are all bound by history that tells us... Don't let it go. It surely isn't perfect, there are small pods of people that may have some issues, yes that's true. I can say, I'm sorry about that.  But in reality, we always come back. So my memories of Christmas eves driving with my siblings and parents to get to Wilkes Barre and the unbridled excitement.  Mom told me a story the other day, I'd like to share....

 I have been writing here for many many years.  It began as a place to purge my grief after our Dad died.  I can look back at those posts and feel that crawl right back up my spine, like a chill. I can scroll and see my teenage girls, living at home, and feeling as if nothing could ever change.  Life will always be the way it was, and then, they weren't. What happened?  Life happens.  They grow and change, I grow and change, Jack has grown and changed.  Right along with me you can see how it happened, when it happened, but we don't see it WHILE ITS HAPPENING.  We just keep moving, we dip and dive the bad, then lie back and breath in the good. There are endless middle days, the days we don't remember, they are lost to the creaks in the floor boards and water in the street.  I can conjur the middle days, I can recreate them in my mind, what I did when no one was keeping track.  The drives to school, the morning coffee chats with coworkers,...

 I have been a blonde for about 8 years.  I had been dying my hair at home with a box dark brown for about 10 years before that.  I also cut my own bangs and didnt tweeze my eyebrows.  Somewhere around there I started going to the salon for haircuts and coloring.   I also started getting my nails done and waxing my eyebrows.  It helped me feel better.  I felt prettier.  I lost weight and felt fabulous.  Something changed inside me.  It was a perfect storm of events and environment.   Jack had consumed my every minute, fear and helplessness took over my life. Somewhere around his 6th grade things started to change with him and with me.  He was taking better care of himself and I was doing the same.  It worked for both of us. Life is not perfect, we have our jostling growing pains.  I have gained back some of the weight I lost.  I feel bad about that.  But there was a shift that happened... Covid sol...

A Wednesday....  Why does it always seem as though it is Wednesday?  Mondays are "special"  The weekends of course are special, Fridays are special.  But Wednesday?  It always feels like a Wednesday. Jack had a late start today, 8:45.  My classes begin at 8:30 so we scramble around and try to be as "in between" as possible. Next week Andy and I go to California for Laurens wedding.  We leave from Newark on Saturday, arrive on the West coast around 11:30 am and enjoy hopefully some Pacific ocean time. Wedding Sunday which will be lovely I know.  Then head on back to the East coast on Monday home by 9 pm. What makes this special is that Jack will be in Rhode Island at Brown University with the Model UN Club from school attending a conference. So I will be on the west coast and Jack will be on the East coast. I keep thinking this is a nice warmup to college and his trip to Europe in June  But dear Gawd its a struggle. I feel alright  I need...

 Jack is a Junior in High School. He takes his drivers test next week. Owen is 5 and in Kindergarten.  Missi and Brandon are married almost 8 years and happy. Andy is fully grey, his beard is white and he is no longer the Mayor.  We spend more time together now than any time before in our marriage.  He makes me crazy sometimes but there is an understanding now that I missed for all of these years.   We purchased a big double block home in Forty Fort and he is working on it all of the time.  I want it finished so we can be done with all of the hustle and bustle of "rebulding" two huge homes. One and a half years and Jack graduates HS.  When I look back on this blog I see so much of our time together trying to just get by.  Now we are working in a nice rhythm pattern of highs and lows, but nothing is ever unmanageable.  Our lows are never that low and our highs are celebrated. Nana is doing well.  She is currently in NM with Rick and ...

So here we are in a year that sounds very "Futuristic and twilight zone'  2021 What happen to the 19's???? When I think back, which is something I've been doing a lot of lately, I find myself wondering "when did that happen?"   1984- June graduate HS 1984- Sept met Tim 1987- graduate Nursing school 1988- June 11 (post script never get married on your birthday, you may get divorced and it will always be a shitty feeling.)Married Tim 1989- July 27- Had our Allison Elizabeth.  She was a nightmare baby... Didnt sleep, puked excessively didnt nurse well.  It was about 20 years later that I realized I had Post Partum depression with that one.  I remember looking at her while she screamed from 5-9 every night and thinking "What did I do and how can I end this?"   I never planned to KILL HER just LOSE HER.   I would say she was about 1 when she and I started to get along.  LOL  We have been good since then LOL  LOL  It was al...

 2020.... We will look back on this year and call it... A total shitshow.  Not only has there been catastrophic  natural disasters that have plagued the world.  We have had a global pandemic and we are now in our 9th month of daily concern about fever cough, runny nose, who did I see, where did I go.  I can be all consuming, which turns into self doubt, anger, fear, and back to "What fuck is goin on?"  We are also on the outer perimeter of a highly contested Presidential election.  It is not a secret that I am not a fan of Donald Trump.  That is being gentle.  I detest the guy and dont believe a word out of his mouth.  I do believe that he tried to do his best job as President, that was within his power as a narcissist and egomaniac.  He is self serving and without praise he was not in it for anyone but himself.  That said, Joe Biden has been elected president.  Of course the Donald is contesting everything, claiming voter...