And then what?

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 I have been writing here for many many years.  It began as a place to purge my grief after our Dad died.  I can look back at those posts and feel that crawl right back up my spine, like a chill.

I can scroll and see my teenage girls, living at home, and feeling as if nothing could ever change.  Life will always be the way it was, and then, they weren't.

What happened?  Life happens.  They grow and change, I grow and change, Jack has grown and changed.  Right along with me you can see how it happened, when it happened, but we don't see it WHILE ITS HAPPENING.  We just keep moving, we dip and dive the bad, then lie back and breath in the good.

There are endless middle days, the days we don't remember, they are lost to the creaks in the floor boards and water in the street.  I can conjur the middle days, I can recreate them in my mind, what I did when no one was keeping track.  The drives to school, the morning coffee chats with coworkers, the classroom with my name on the door.  I can see them in my minds eye, but are they real or just imagined?  I'm sad for the end of those days.  I become even more reflective as the definition of me comes closer and closer to the ending.

Anyone I know, and knows me is aware that my life has been defined by motherhood.  That is what I am.  I have had some incredible adventures along the way but my shining contribution to this world has always been my children.  I can go back 20 25 years and anyone that knew me would agree that my kids are the reason I have kept going.  They are each kind, generous, funny, smart and beautiful.  All along, it has been them that woke me in the morning and got me to sleep at night.  Some nights I would have worry and heartache, some mornings I would have the same, but that never ever changed the bottomless amount of love I had for them.

I have countless conversations with myself about :"next year at this time".

College acceptance letters are coming for Jack.  As we've seen along the way in this blog I had doubts about Jack ever being able to make it out of elementary school? He did.

Would he ever have a true friend? yes, eventually he did.

Would Jack learn to appreciate his talents and be proud of himself?  Yes he has.

We sometimes get exactly what we ask for.  I have gotten so much more than I ever could have asked for.  So here I am wondering.

What do I do now?  I think I have gracefully allowed the girls to grow up and go.

I don't think I can do that with Jack.  I have not gracefully done much with Jack, I have fumbled and scratched and clawed my way through the raising of this boy.  A literal breath by breath tight rope at times.  How do I do this?  Can I do this?  Will my body allow me to just leave him there?  anywhere?  I've done this before, with the girls.  You can read all about it on this blog.  This is different, this is my LAST baby.  The three babes that make me...me.  What am I if I don't wake up for one of them, or go to sleep for one of them? 

I am not being dramatic when I say, will I still get up?  Will I still sleep?   Will I need to make dinner?  What will I talk about? WHO AM I?

I'll be figuring this out, or I wont.  Life will either show me a way to go or it wont.

One thing I do know is I am the luckiest woman in the world, you know that.  You've seen so much of it unfold.  It is because of these three people.  

I remember the day I had my heart attack yelling to the Surgeon that he couldn't let me die I had a three day old baby, now I have an 18 year old, who will be leaving for college.  I should contact that surgeon and congratulate him on a job well done.  

If I do write that note, I may need to add that he may need to consult me again, because my heart will be swollen with pride and broken at the same time when my boy leaves for college.

Buckle up my dear friends this is going to get bumpy. <3

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