Growing it out

 I have been a blonde for about 8 years.  I had been dying my hair at home with a box dark brown for about 10 years before that.  I also cut my own bangs and didnt tweeze my eyebrows.  Somewhere around there I started going to the salon for haircuts and coloring.  

I also started getting my nails done and waxing my eyebrows.  It helped me feel better.  I felt prettier.  I lost weight and felt fabulous.  Something changed inside me.  It was a perfect storm of events and environment.  

Jack had consumed my every minute, fear and helplessness took over my life. Somewhere around his 6th grade things started to change with him and with me. 

He was taking better care of himself and I was doing the same.  It worked for both of us.

Life is not perfect, we have our jostling growing pains.  I have gained back some of the weight I lost.  I feel bad about that.  But there was a shift that happened... Covid solidified that.

I began taking pottery classes.  I began painting and doing needlework.  My creative energies started to flow again.  With that came deeper thought and reflection.

I had a friend that I invested a lot of time and energy.  I wanted to.  100 percent wanted and believed this person was "my person"  Years I spent being the one to show up, because that is what we do.  I showed up and loved it.

Except they didnt show up for me.  I never asked why, I just accepted that their reasons for not being "there" were enough.  In hindsight it has become clear that they had no intention of being "there".  They were what they were and I was to accept that for what it was.

So I did.  If you keep your expectations low you can never be disappointed.  So I had no expectations, and if I was "thrown a bone" I responded in kind.  I would be grateful, happy and felt validated.  Their time was more important, their work, family, illness, commitments, friendships all meant more than anything of mine.

But I let that happen, I accepted that, and for many many reasons...  I came back for more.

So here I am.  "Growing it all out"

My hair is about 70 percent white.  Beautiful soft silvery white like my Dad and Gram.

My nails.. well they are about 5 months since my last gel manicure and they are soft on the edges but the bottom half is growing in strong.  I have a crazy ridge in the nails where you can see when I stopped the manicures.  Same with my hair.  The moment I stopped is evident.

The moment I stopped with this person is very evident to me.  It was when something really big happened in Jacks life.... JACKS LIFE>

An event in his life where he could take full credit for his hard work.  nothing to do with me, his Dad, or anyone.  Just HIM.

They did not show up.  They did not call, message.  I guess I knew they wouldn't.  

The disappointment tally just hit tilt for me.  Finally... FINALLY I WAS DONE>

There was no benefit for them to show up for Jack.  It became  very clear to me that they only showed up when they thought it would benefit them.  It never had anything to do with me.  I was not a piece of their puzzle, I just held the table while they moved their pieces around.  

Do you every have those memories that make you shake your head and say to yourself "What the fuck were you thinking?"

Yeah..... that.

I've closed my circle.  It's small but it's tight.  I am facing in.

No one comes into my circle. I am valuable, I am a good solid friend.  I love deeply and without hesitation.  I am old enough to say... I have enough.  

Cutting them loose was a long time coming.  Too bad I let myself get taken advantage of for so many years before ending it.  I wont be doing that again. 

I will be growing my soft white hair that I've earned, I will paint my own nails that are strong.  I will be rinsing you out like chalk on a sidewalk, It may take a while but it fades with every rain.  

I will remember these past two years as some of my most valuable lessons, yet painful in personal Suzie growth.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about them.  There are the thoughts of the person I thought they were, and who they actually were.   

If I am sounding woe is me, it certainly is not.  This lesson was hard fought I agree.  But probably one of my greatest lessons.  Growth is painful.  But realization is better.

I have a comfort in knowing and trusting my circle.  Funny that most are relatives, but truly who else can you trust?  

Shame on you for hurting me and knowing it.  You are a bad person, with bad intentions and mastermind schemes and plans.  Shame on me for letting my loved ones get attached to you and your manipulations.