Flaming June's Love

“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.” ― Albert Camus Your darkest hours, saddest times, closed eyes cant get out of bed? We can conjure the sun on our face, the warm wind in our hair and the smell of hot dirt roads.  Maybe that will help?  I can see the bottom of the pool through foggy eyes stinging with chlorine, chest tight with the depth of the water, legs and arms pulling at the water to touch the bottom... only to scrape it with the tip of your finger and look up, up up up to the surface sun and blue shrouded by the waves of the surface.  pop on through to the deep breath. I need the deep breath.. I want to close my eyes to the brightness and listen tot he sounds of summer. An invincible summer. I

“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.” ― Ernest Hemingway It doesnt happen often,but when it does, it is heavy. When I get down, I can go way way down. 1000 pounds down. Just when you start to think you have it all together, someone changes the rules. That someone can be an actual person, or GOD, or the kosmos. Somehow I find myself , again, doubting it all. Mothering, friendships, marriage. Everything. I want to "bleed" all over this page tonight, but cant. Tired of the "it will get better, dont worry about me."

I remember this moment, telling myself to look ahead at my soon to be husband.  I had been to weddings where the bride was looking at who was there,  almost waving to their audience.  I didnt want that this day.  I looked for Tim, and eyed him with as much love I could muster.  I think you can see it.  My Dad.. well he was I think was trying his hardest not to cry.  I imagine him looking at my Mother, straight ahead, with Love in his heart for both me and the family they had created together.  I remember holding his arm, intentionally tight.. so he would never ever forget this moment.  This is Love. How fortunate am i to have known them all.....? Make me sweaty, butterflies in my stomach, cant wait to see you Love. I don't want to know life without you, I think about your well being, and your smile really makes my day, kind of love. I've had Love that came in all forms, the kissing at red lights, missing the greens, Stay awake all nig...

Intuition tells me to be cautious with my sons feelings.  Intuition told me to give Andy another chance way back when others told me he could never change.  Intuition usually tells me when its time to leave somewhere, time to call someone, time to just sit and think. Intuition is what keeps me from talking to certain strangers, or interacting with others as if they were long lost friends. My soul on the other hand is at the deepest, softest part of my proverbial "being".  My soul I believe is whats capable of dividing, and multiplying endlessly in order to love people that come into and out of my life.  My soul radiates heat that is warm and glowing a hue of purples and golden warm honey.  My soul has never been broken, my soul has eased me into knowings of this will get better, you are stronger, better, or MADE to survive this trial, whatever it may have been. It was also there when at my darkest times, I was able to just cry, curl up in a b...

I spend an awful lot of time talking about how I feel, what I think, and what makes me tick. I don't spend alot of time thinking, feeling, talking about how I LOOK, other than I'm not happy about it. My friend Marinda started a Facebook page that is about loving yourself, no matter what size, shape or condition you may be in.  Do I love myslef?  how cliche' is that?  Love yourself?  I dont even think about it. Almost never does it cross my mind to LOVE MYSELF? Of course I think about taking CARE of myself-which I should do more of. as in walking, eating better, seeing the Dr more often when things need attention, going to the dentist. The actual loving yourself is another story. So here it goes. I'm rounder and softer than I want to be, but I have nice legs and a warm smile. I am not terrific at quick recall, but I have a wide range of information that I know about. I can write a blog, for a long time, about multiple topics, but my book... well lets just...

I've been reading a book the past two days about a woman, who is so in LOVE with her garden.  She spends hours gardening, and shares her love with her children and grandchildren.  It is her happy place.  The author describes the garden so vividly, I can almost smell the flowers with her details.  I got into the bath last night, and soaked for a while.  Then Andy got in with me and we just lay there, bobbing and floating in the steaming tub.  We seem to have a good thing, we can lay in the tub and it isn't about sex.  Not to say that it doesn't help.... but thats another story. Anyway... happy place. We were lying there, dark, hot, steaming tub and I thought.. "Is this my happy place?" No.  Its nice, but a happy place should be someplace alone?.. Ok, Bathtub is good but not... IT. Then I had to think of where in my life was I the happiest.  Where has my happy place been in the past? Of course vacations, and moments on vacations were gr...

 Hi Dad. I see your smiling happy face in this picture, and wish I could just take a minute... Pat those fat hands of yours, kiss your white soft hair as I walk by, sit on the couch next to you and just SIT. I haven't cried about you in a long time.  I think I'm adjusted.  But not better.  But this quiet time I'm having this week makes me really look at this picture and MISS you.  That shirt your wearing in this picture, yeah its in Andys closet.  Never been washed, just hanging there.  I smell it every so often or just run my hand over it.  Look at Ben, this really shows us how long it really has been.  He is a real young man now.  You would be so proud of the boys.  Where are you Dad?  Can't you just visit me in a dream and say everything is ok?  Why did it have to go this way?  I still miss you, and I'll never ever forget about you.  Hey girls!  Jackie, Danny and Ben!  Gosh you are the cutest...