S.E.J.B.T.

-
I spend an awful lot of time talking about how I feel, what I think, and what makes me tick.
I don't spend alot of time thinking, feeling, talking about how I LOOK, other than I'm not happy about it.
My friend Marinda started a Facebook page that is about loving yourself, no matter what size, shape or condition you may be in. 
Do I love myslef?  how cliche' is that?  Love yourself?  I dont even think about it.
Almost never does it cross my mind to LOVE MYSELF?
Of course I think about taking CARE of myself-which I should do more of.
as in walking, eating better, seeing the Dr more often when things need attention, going to the dentist.
The actual loving yourself is another story.
So here it goes.
I'm rounder and softer than I want to be, but I have nice legs and a warm smile.
I am not terrific at quick recall, but I have a wide range of information that I know about.
I can write a blog, for a long time, about multiple topics, but my book... well lets just say is about half done in my head.
I can be a great friend, I have been there for people at the worst times, but... I hold a grudge and get my feelings hurt easily.  Then I have a habit of just walking away.  Thats it.  An interesting concept since I have had alot of my best friends for over 20 - 30 years. 
I had a couple of ""friends" relate to me that they decided together that they weren't going to call me anymore, waiting to see how long it would take for me to call them.  Well, guess what?  They have a long wait.  What is that called>on my part its called, a realization.  I don't do that, I love what I have when I have it and try very hard to not TEST LIFE.  Don't test me, I promise you, I will not even try.
I am a good instructor, students seem to enjoy my classes and years later I can find them in the mall, or grocery store and they will say "I still remember the blood flow through the heart thanks to you!"
Thats a good day.
Even better day is when they recall enjoying my class, and feeling comfortable with me and the environment.
I'm a good Mother, I adore my children.  Have I made mistakes?  absolutely.  I can name more mistakes than triumphs, going back to Mother guilt.   But despite my shortcomings these children know how to love, and be generous, and caring, thoughtful, sharp witted, sassy.  Does Jack need reminding of what it is to be "thoughtful" YES, I need to remind him to think before he talks, far too honest.
I'm a good wife.  I am that I know.  To this husband.
The first one.... well not so much.
I had my good days, real good days.  But for evey good day as Tims wife, I had bad ones.
Truth is though, I LOVED him.  For one reason or another we just couldn't LOVE EACHOTHER the way we needed to be loved.
I am grown now.  I know what life is REALLY about now.  The things that CHANGED me then, make me a better woman, wife and mother now.  So in a round about way, that loss is todays gain.
Hmm I am a good daughter and sister.  I could do better in the sister department, and call my brothers more.  But the good thing is... they know me well enough to know, its not the phone call that shows my love, its my LOVE that shows my LOVE.  They feel it.
What else is loveable, I smile at anyone, I hold the door, I pick things up for people, I say God Bles You to strangers.
Here is one of the most shocking realizations in the past ten years.  I spent 15 years wanting Tim to want me.  Not just Sex, but want to be with me, spend time with me, talk to me, see me, sit with me, I wanted to feel WANTED.
Now... I am so WANTED... by Andy, I sometimes wonder if he is sick.
He would rather lay on our bed reading together, than go out.
He thinks I am beautiful, sexy, smart, funny, and a great cook.
Denial?  Its all good, I'm ok with that!
Hey if a meatloaf on a Monday night and sex three times a week makes him think hes the luckiest guy in town woooohooo!!! WINNING!!!!
Wrapping this up, do i wish I was fifty pound lighter tomorrow when I wake up, I sure do.
It wont be.
But I am still the good Mom, sassy smart writer, good friend to good friends, family member.
I like my life, I actually LOVE my life, and since I am the one that has made this life...
I guess I do LOVE ME.




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Kiss

-
Image
  It has been 75 days. When I went to bed at night I would cry, every night.  My Mom would begin the process of "bedtime" at least 30 minutes before I actually had to go to my room.  She would give me the countdown. "Next commercial break"  "Ten more minutes"  "Go get your last drink of water" Some nights she would begin to doze and I would squeeze another 10 minutes until the dreaded bed time. Then began the process.  We would go to my room, which was only 12 feet from the living room in all actuality, but it was miles in my little girl heart.  Mom would pull down the covers, tuck me in, give me all of my comfort things and then I would cry.  The more she tried to make me comfortable with the thought of sleeping, alone, the harder I would cry.  If she would just say go to bed, it would have been easier. We would say my prayers together, Our Father, Hail Mary and then all of the God Bless's. The God Blesses were my definite way to get her to ...
Read more

Ayla

-
Image
 When I was in High School my best friend was Amy.  I don't remember how we met or where, but somehow we just clicked.  I believe it was probably on the patio where in the 1980's you could go outside and smoke cigarettes with your friends on free mods or breaks.  Yep those were the days.   We were in 10th grade which made us 15.  I smoked Parliament light 100's  with the recessed filters (IYKYK) and she smoked Benson and Hedges.  She was a cheerleader that was so far from the "cheerleader" type it would crack us up.  We wrote notes in those days, scraps of paper that we would purge our daily trials onto, fold in some triangular football shape and pass to one another in the hall.  We could fill a note throughout the day and then I would throw it into a box for the ages to find someday.  We were able to talk endlessly about music, people, boyfriends, animals, school, college, parents, divorce, siblings, hours of chat.  We al...
Read more

No, not that.

-
Image
 Lets talk about graduation parties!  Should I order the chicken scampi or marsala for the chicken dish?  Cakes and cupcakes or cookies?  DJ or photo booth or both? So we decorate the cake with Wyoming Seminary as a graduate or Penn State as his college destination? No, we wont talk about that.  You know, the "drophimoffandleavehimtherepart" or the "Ihaveabsolutelynopurposewithouthiminmydailygrind" lets not forget "Whenyoufoughttoliveforthisboyandnowheisgoingwhylive?" OK OK I'm not going to end my life because Jack is leaving for college, but for christs sake what the fuck is my purpose now?  I am struggling, struggling with so many things right now. I know my struggle on paper is nothing compared to so many other people.  My weight, my hair, my boy, my heart, my future.  I want to just get to the point where I can just take him and drop him off.  Rush through this summer and get it over with, pull off the bandaid quick and start the new chap...
Read more