Flaming June's Love

Did I mention lately that I love love love my husband. He got me some beautiful and thoughtful gifts this Christmas. I asked for a toaster. Got it. He got a dvd player for the car for Jack. He got me pony holders for my hair and a flat screen tv for our family room in the new house to put above the fireplace. I mentioned it was something I wanted "someday" for that room and there it was christmas morning. I dont love him for the stuff, I love him for the thinking about the stuff. He has been working everyday, everyday including christmas to get this house ready for us. We are so close to there I cant taste it. last night I helped him for a few hours with the hard wood floors. We work together pretty well. He has invested blood sweat and tears into every inch of that house and THAT... THAT IS LOVE.

You know those videos on tv of people falling down hills or on bikes out of control and they just FALL? OK well thats me right now, we are moving in exactly one week. I am packing stuff everywhere there are boxes filled with who knows what in every room. I have Jack at my Moms as often as possible so he doesnt get hurt. Yeah life, is definately headed to the new place and I think.... Its going to be ok. In the process I have found girls work since kindergarten. Anniversary and birthday cards since 1990. I had one on the top of the pile from Tim circa 1998 10 year anniversary card and it was truly filled with LOVE. I am sorry for hurting him. truly. Regrets I have to work on this new year. I need to start to forgive myself. ANd hopefully be a better person. I cried alot today. Many memories I found and enjoyed. I wish everyone all that is good if I dotnwrie again for a while.

I have so much to say. My heart is so full. I spent my Christmas with my entire family and everyone I could mention or muster loving thoughts of I saw today. My brother Dave had my grandfathers films transferred to dvd. He chose film from the early 60's and film from the mid 70's. That menat that I did get to spend Christmas with my grandparents, my parents, my brothers, Aunts and Uncles that have been gone for years. The film was alot of Christmas. Ironically we spent our Christmas watching our long lost relatives come through the front door of my grandparents house silently mouthing Merry Christmas. Here we were 30 and 40 years later saying the same thing to all of them. My parents really, REALLY young. My brothers teenagers. Me about 12, and ten. braces in some, a few summer films. Just so so so good. I know Dave will be reading this within the next few days and all I can say is that you made my Christmas wish come true. I spent my day with our grandparents, and our ...

I watched a movie and have obviously stayed up later than usual. I watched Evening with Claire Danes and a whole bunch of amazing actors. It was an intersting flick about a dying womans last days and the memories that come back to her, along with some of the "visitors" that come to hre in her last days. I rememebr the nurse telling me that my dad had "visitors" on the Saturday night before he died. I asked what that meant she reassured me that he had loved ones come to see him in the night and he chatted with them and watched them walk about his room and he was more "awake" than she had seen him. It was a long night of visitors she told me. I think that was her way of saying it was time to let him go. He was gone after that night. He was no longer fighting. Almost peaceful. I still get that scared, panic feeling fleeting over me that he is gone and worse of all that he suffered. I just had it now, shit. Anyway the movie. The long and short of it i...

Everyone has em. But if you asked two people from the same time they would have different recollections. My family will attest tot he fact that I am not a surprise kinda gal. I am terrible with happy secrets. ( I can keep a serious secret but if it is a good surprise I am terrible) I have been a present peeker since I figured out there wasnt a santa. My Mom hid gifts as well as possible in a house with four kids and NO ROOM. I found them every year in the basement covered in blankets. I never ever had surprises. Even the year of the bicycle it wasnt surprised. I was visiting my moms friends house and there in her basement was a pink sparkly bike. I was maybe ten and figured it had to be mine. I didnt mention it to anyone and there it was Christmas morning in the living room. One year when I was on the cusp of santa vs. no santa, I asked for a baby Alive. Everyone wanted one and I saw it on TV all the time. I knew it cost alot of money so I could never get it cuz we were no...

Pictures from last night and today. The first is Jack hanging out having some popcorn before bed and watching Santa Movies. He is really just soo cute and soo wild at times. I took him to see the Big Santa at the Mall and he was so excited. Until it was his turn and man he threw the breaks on. He had been dancing in the line and jumping up and down waving blowing kisses, then Santa said "cmon over Jack" Not a chance. He freaked and took offf down the aisle of the mall. Missi is working diligently on her gifts for her friends. She began with clay and formed lil critters. fired them on the oven and is pictured painting them up. Truly she is talented and patient and more than I am in theat field. I so love her. Allie had a headache last night and said Im going to take a "quick" nap. Well she laid down at 430 and we all did our thing around her in the LR. Andy worked, I cooked, Missi worked on her critters and Jack was a dancing Santa watching singing elf. S...

How easy it seems sometimes for me to think that I am just "here" I may be just here, at the moment lookin at a half packed house and a half decorated tree with half written Christmas cards. But you know what I am? I am so much a part of this entire world. I have contributed so much to this world that is truly inspiring. I may not have personally changed th world persay, but trust me.. these children are going to make their part in the grand scheme known. Then I think about my extended family that is all to evident at this time of year with Cards and exchanges and visits that will be happenin in the next few weeks. Our family began with four sisters. My grandmother the oldest of the four. Her name was Alice. She lived on the left side of a two family house and this nice young man named Joe lived on the other. They ended up marrying and having three children. My mother ALice being the oldest. My mom grew up on the left side of the family house and her grandparents rem...

Missi Jack and I were sitting in the couch and I heard the back door open. In walked my girl Allie! She got a ride home a day early without me knowing. My holidays have officially begun, She literally walked in with about 7 garbage bags of laundry. I love seeing all my kids in one place. We watched crazy tv together last nigh while lounging on the couch. What makes it even more fun today is that Missi has a snow day so we are all off and going to cook and bake and then they are going out in the snow hopefully if we get enough. I iwll attach pics later today. I really hope to get some shopping done today with my girls and maybe my Mom/ I need to find someone to watch Jack for a few hours. His eyes are very red again and gunky so I need to give the Doc a call as soon as the office opens. I am happy today.

As you can see my Missi was gorgeous at her concert and sang like a bird. She has hit her stride and is more sassy and beautiful than ever. You cant really tell but her hair is the color of cherry coke and she is the COOLEST CHICK ever.

I am so excited for my girl to be home for the holidays. I miss her more than I thought I would. I have attached a few pics from college. She is a college cheerleader and she seems to like it. I think she looks awesome and surely the prettiest girl in the bunch. (I am partial ya think?) She is so full of hope and excitement for her life and I cant help but feel it and get excited foe her. And me. The other is from Carole night at the college. Since it is a catholic university they participate in the whole thing and although it may not be p.c. anymore I LOVE IT!!!! I love that she participates in church activities and the caroleing and vespers and mass events. It is good for the soul no matter what religion you are to believe in SOMETHING bigger and better than we are. I cant help but notice how glowing she is. beautiful

eah it is that time again. I looked back to last year and there it was... The night I made bread last year. I make it every year and give it all out ot hte neighbors. I have 8 mini loaf pans and that was just right for the number of neighbor Itake care of. Well Ionly need 6 this year. Mrs AMith died in the spring. My Maryellen died Jan 10 th of 2007. Almost a year without her. I am sad today and missing my friend. We would bitch about he cost of the girls things and then overdo it every year. We would cook and bake together and then compare notes on what we had to offer everyone. She made an awesome strawberry pretzel salad. I know it sounds crazy bit ssooo good and so her. I miss her. I miss my Dad. I hear our song every few minutes on the readio and evry single time I cry. I am attaching the words and you will agree it a song about being here in spirit if not able to be here in body. Love you Dad. Christmas Song, I'll Be Home For Christmas Lyrics Looking for Christ...

My Girl Missi. I have spent alot of time trying to get to..... you know that time, place, period... in my life. I have reached those places and surpassed them and then... find myself back at the same place again because I didnt realize I was there already. OK Ill try again. Get the girls toa certain age without being pregnant, arrested, in rehab, and then I will be OK. Well we did that. Now I am goin through that area again with Missi. I havent had any problems with either of my girls and now I am relaxing enough with Missi to enjoy this time in her life. She was out tonight with a friend to a hockey game. She came home and I asked her how it was if she saw anyone she knew and it wasnt until I kissed her goodnight that I realized that I didnt feel the need to interrogate. Why? because I TRUST HER. Allie is at school and has taken her last class this semester. She has all her finals next week so she is "studying" all weekend. I wonder how much beer is necessary to pass ...

My old house was inspected today and all looks good for the sale. I met with the buyers again and they are really nice. A young woman and a boyfriend. I am ok with them. I am attaching new pics from the house at night and Missi and her friends from her party. I will w rite more on another night or maybe later.

I sat there with my friend Sue and realized as I usually do that I had a connection with her. I know that now she thought me a bit .... odd. I, as I do now.. appear one way when in actuality I am NOT WHAT I APPEAR. I was one of the few kids in the school with very little money, and a home packed to the gills with kids and truly loving involved parents. I appeared ... plain, boring and predictable. Sue woke me to the idea that I was none of these things. I shared drawings and poetry with her and we discussed love, life and the far off idea of future. We were surrounded by people involved in the NYC scene, partiers with all the latests gadgets and new cars, plenty of cash and just ... SO... cool. Sue and I have remained friends through some of the toughest parts of our lives. Then again we have had periods of not talking for maybe the longest about three years. She has what I like to call a very "passionate" point of view about a number of things. In other words somet...

We recieve a bid yesterday on myhouse and we took it. I signed the multitude of papers and just a few weeks MY PLACE will be someone elses. Interestingly enough it is a single Mom of two daughters buying it. How appropriate is that. I probably shouldnt be happy she is alone with two girls but I must say the karma in this home is magical. It is decorated all girly and warm. Cozy for a young mom and girls. I have had some amazing times here. Some really hard ones as well. But I can tell you I will always look back on these past 11 years with warm happy memories. I spoke to Tim yesterday and told him the news. He cried. Seems weird I know but there is a sense of loss with the sale of the place. I know I could never go back to that life with him nor would I really want to. But there is always a sense of..... What Was. My girls grew up here pretty much. First boyfriends, lost teeth, pets, new schools, broken hearts, new loves, Christmas's with their Dad, Amy, ANdy, and most of...

THE HOUSE Who lives in that house across the way? The one where children sometimes play With happy smiles and laughing eyes; Where joy is heard, but never sighs. Where sunshine always seems to play, On windows sparkling through the day, And raindrops dare not set their face On trees stood proud with ageless grace. I wonder just how many times That house has seen some children climb, Those sturdy trees of oak and lime, That stand so tall and withstood time. Others will later buy this home, and when they've gone and it's alone, They'll take a look and see the sign On this great house that once was mine. By Pat Wake Inspirational Poems My Poems Famous Poems Midi file sequenced by Barry Taylor

Have you ever met someone that is so full of talk they eventually believe EVERYTHING THEY SAY? Interestingly enough the individual I mentioned last week as the "something wicked" well she is so involved or should I say delusional that she seems to forget that I KNOW HER. There are some things that you can tell yourself It may begin to sound plausible... until someone that was THERE and has been observing the entire train wreck can say "Are you kidding me?" Go fuck yourself.

PIC 1 MISSI AND DANNY 2ND PIC MY GIRLS, MOM, AND AUNT CATHY 3RD JOE THE NEIGHBOR 4TH NEPHEW AND MY GIRLS

My baby Missi was sweet sixteen on Tuesday, with all the excitement with the holiday on its way I didnt get to post with the appropriate excitement. Missi is 16. We had picked up Allie Tuesday for the holiday at home and they enjoyed the afternoon together. We enjoyed cupcakes and pizza and sang happy to you. We are now in the plan mode for her party on Saturday night with her girls. First a trip to the skating rink (ice skating) then a sleepover poker night with the gals. I will be posting some pics from the week with my brother and nephews and family stuff. My nephew was eighteen on Thursday and we went to his other grandmas for pizza and cake on Wed. I have pics of all of that too. The there is Thanksgiving and it was a nice day as well. I did some of my best cooking and baking this year. I have planned on cooking for this holiday with hopes of the new house but to no avail as of yet. WE WILL BE THERE FOR CHRISTMAS. I made a green bean casserole, candied carrots, mince me...

As I was reviewing my blog of the past year in order to compound it I decided I am not going to close it down. I cant bear to lose the things I have invested here. My losses and gains, fears and strides forward. Most of all my beautiful children,husband and family. I wont be scared away or will I be changed to be something I am not. So I go on.... We have fire. We have lots of fire And also have beautiful children.

I have found myself in a predicament. I will be closing down my blog withing the next week. A hurtful, spiteful and malice driven evil hearted person has again found their way into my life. I asked for this one. I opened the door again to someone I felt "connected" to. I began blogging for some relief from my grief, in introspective on a broken heart. Along the way I investigated my feelings on love, marriage, forgiveness, joy, discouragement, parenthood, friendship and alot of other things. I enjoyed friends comments and truly took to heart observers comments. I havent found anyone to be abrasive, mean or discouraging at all. Until now. Someone has made statements which are obviously figments of contorted imaginations. This person was able to hold themselves together for almost 6 months before falling apart... again.... I have had the experience of manipulation in the past, but this one, this is almost funny. I dont trust anything this person has to say, I have ofte...

We had a taste of winter for a few days and it felt kinda good. With the time change it is feeling really cozy and I just want to cook and bake and stuff. Today and tomorrow have been forecasted to be warm and beautiful so Jack and I took advantage and wandered up to the park. he loves it. He just runs and I think feels independent. I worked on alot of the photo and I have trouble getting them to blogger. The first one of Missi is her cracking up about something-I dont know but she definately is getting that Angelina Jolie thing going. The lips the full brow and she is just as beautiful inside as out. These past few months have been such a huge growing time for her. Allie is well and getting along fine. She has been complaining of headaches but I think it is stress from midterms and such. I suffered the same during college and found that as soon as midterms were over I was back to normal. She will be home next week for Thanksgiving break. We have a bilco door and garage doors an...

My Immortal lyrics I'm so tired of being here Suppressed by all my childish fears And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave 'Cause your presence still lingers here And it won't leave me alone These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase [Chorus:] When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me You used to captivate me By your resonating light Now I'm bound by the life you left behind Your face it haunts My once pleasant dreams Your voice it chased away All the sanity in me These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase [Chorus] I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone But though you're still with me I've been alone all along [Chorus]

I am going someplace I shouldnt. I am shaking awake a part of me I thought I laid to rest. There is a concert coming to our local arena/venue. Evanescence, the feeling is so right there I want to go but am so afraid. I had an experience 3 and a half years ago and this music was so a part of my life I truly lived it. Every song from the album/cd just integrated and almost became a part of me for a while. Intense yes, should it be scary no, but it is for me. I made some bad choices, hurt some people, and in turn really really hurt myself. Along with at the same time the preemptive strike that began the whole downward spiral I ended up in. Long story short it was a bad time for me and my ego, self esteem, leading to self destructive behavior. I dont know why I am writing now and why I am compelled to stir the proverbial shitpot, but I knew the day would come that I would need , NEEEEED to come to terms with myself. No blame, no finger pointing, just plain acceptance. That is what I n...

Lie I said Jack was a sick boy for halloween. So on Sunday we got him dressed for the late holiday. He ran around the yard and waited for Nana tog et home from Church. He was so cute and just I cant say how much I love him. He now has a cough that when he breaths he coughs a lil cough. Annoying for him and mind blowing for me. He lil coughed all night, all morning and I anticipate all day today too. Excitement at Daycare, yesterday i picked him up and I knew soemthing was up when my favorite aide approached me with that UHOH smile. She handed me an incident report paper and said well " Jack was playing with another child and the child misunderstood his hugging him as a threat and BIT HIS EAR!!!" FU%$#in kid Ill kill him which one is it. They of course cant tell you which one it was but I encouraged them strongly to keep Jack away from them. This is not because I am overreacting this is because this kid (whoever it is) has done this before I know that because they to...

Five years ago on a Saturday night with my then guyfriend Andy, we would have started the night with a nice dinner, an evening of drinks with friends at a local bar and then good old raucous sex until morning. I remember trying my hardest to get home before my dad would get up for the paper which was usually around 6 30ish. My Mom and Dad would keep the girls overnight usually one night every two weeks so the nights we had all night, yup we had allll night. There was one night when I did fall asleep and woke up and it was light out. OH MY GOD I GOTTA GET HOME. Then it hit me Andy picked me up last night so I gotta get the bear up to drive me home. Double shameful it is 7 in the morning and "that guy" is bringing her home. My dear friend Maryellen that passed away in Jan called me one morning and was teasingly saying "Oh Suzie there was s strange car parked in front of your house all night. I called your Dad and he said he didnt know whos it was so he took a walk down ...

Here is one I wasnt supposed to see but shit it is funny. She was a mardigras bead girl for halloween with her friend danielle.

OK here goes... Heard of sciatica... Yeah well I am the nurse that says oh yeah sounds bad and keeps moving. well it is bad really bad. interferes with every part of your day and night. hurts like a bastard. Something hit me today that it was time for a change. and I got my hair cut. About 6 inches off onto to the floor of the salon. So I am once a gain with the curly short hair. It feels good and i feel alot better. Went out with my best girl today for lunch and hang out time. I forget how much she means to me until I see her again. I truly learned about LOVE when I was with her. Sadly i didnt treat her as well as I should have. But I think I learned what it felt like to be truly loved and I adored her. We spent so much time just talking and listening and listening. I know that our lives are now where they were supposed to be. I also know that anything good that I have gotten in the few years since her was because of her. I love Amy. She got an addition to her tattoo co...

Andy and I laugh all the time about situations that I have been in or gotten myself into and defining them as DIFFERENT. My situations compared to theirs are different because they are ME Example 1 Suzie has an ongoing affair with a man she worked with for about 7 months, I had no intentions of leaving my husband I just wanted to have a little fun and feel something. (The kiss of death really) When my husband after years of my being in and out of our marriage then decides to date someone else and I find out all hell breaks loose and I am ready to literally kill him. WHY you may ask is this so ironic well My cheating was deamed different or acceptable at the time. His infidelity... unforgiveable. Because it was with me how could he do this to me. Selfish self absorbed egomaniac. I realized and came to terms with my bad bad ti...

Andy has been painting the house all of his free time. To those of you that dont know us personally you may think he is a workaholic. and... YOU WOULD BE RIGHT>!!! He is a highly motivated and when he decides anything it is that way. That is a good and bad trait. PAinting, working around the house, making money GOOD THING> Bargaining with his wife and making compromises, sometimes NOT SO GOOD> Soo lets talk about the color of the formal living room and dining room. Yes the brownish, baigeish, pinkylike color Andy bought 6 gallons of to cover all the walls. I went over there last night to check opn him and he was already on his way home and I found the color a little uhhmmm should I say.... Not what I expected.... Im am not sure about it and yet I have a feeling it will be on the walls to stay without much discussion. Now realize I dont expect any changes in the color at this point realizing we have hundreds of dollars invested in it. I might say I am uhmm cautious about the...