Flaming June's Love

I received alot of nice things this holiday season. I am posting some pics of my favorite things. My inlaws came over last night and we exchanged gifts. They have always been very generous to me and the girls even though they are not their biological grandchildren. Jack is the apple of their eyes though. They brought thoughtful gifts for the girls and Andy and I. My father in law is an avid collector as am I. I love antiques and the history behind any piece of furniture, jewelry, china, literature, anything old. He knows this and brought me a wonderful gift. It is an antique rocker built in 1830. The chair is so comfortable I cannnot put into words. It seems to fit my body perfectly. There is not a single squeak and my feet touch the floor perfectly for a rocker. It is painted blue with natural oak arms. I absolutlely adore it and cant wait to rock our boy in it tonight. I sat there before and just imagined the Mothers before me for generations rocking their babies that ...

A dear friend of mine called yesterday to see how our holiday went. Pam and I have been friends for 15 years. We chatted and caught up on all the news. She then said she had to tell me something and she didnt want me to get upset. uhoh.... She prefaced everything with she loves me, would not say or do anything intentionally to hurt me. ok hit me. She and her husband were here for my dads funeral and then came to visit again in October. She noticed how much weight I have gained and is worried about me and the condition of my heart. As we all know I had heart attacks and bypass a year and half ago. The most frightening thing ever in my life. I know that the worst thing for me is to be gaining so much weight, and I know better. I swear I am addicted to food now that I dont smoke. I told my mom about it and she agreed, I really need to get back to the gym and she wants to go to Weight watchers. I need to do it for my kids my husband, and mostly for myself.

We had a beautiful day. Mt children and husband were all happy to receive and most of all to give to one another. I have attached a few photos from the am and hope to pull up a few more. I received a beautiful charm bracelet, and new watch. Both are gorgeous and a surprise. perfume, and socks, a chocolate fountain a new throw blanket from Allie. We spent the day at my moms with my brother and the families. ate alot and chitchatted. My Father was missed but we didnt bring it up. I wrote out a card for him and put it on his box. I cried and toldhim we missed him but we will be ok. I hope anyone that reads this has a beautiful holiday season and a blessed new year.

Here we go... The holiday is officially starting. My brother has arrived from Syracuse with his family and they are at my Moms now. We had chinese food for dinner to just have something to do so as to not talk to much. Tears are so close to the surface for all of us that too much talk is sure to trigger something. For example during dinner my brother mentioned a christmas from our childhood, the tradition of opening only one gift from a family member on christmas eve. I looked at my mom and she was looking down. I know we are going through hard times without Dad but we have to keep moving. Dave.. The oldest brother dramatic, sensitive, 12 years recovery, very very opinionated. Rick.. wild at heart, the trouble child, the most dear friend my Dad had. short tempered, smart, analytical Dan.. Mother to t he tea, quiet, thoughtful, smart, sensitive, handsome, committed. Me.. The baby, dont know, you would know better. Rick lives in New Mexico and wont be in for the holiday, I mis...

This year I was able to buy everything I wanted to for the children and the family. I know my husband knew I was hurting and didnt put a spending limit on me. I didnt go nuts but I did get the girls jewelry and clothes and shoes and toys. Money doesnt change anything but I believe the "things" will make us all happier to RECEIVE. I sooo enjoyed looking for everyone else. Special stuff for my mom and stuff for my mother inlaw. My brothers we got books with sentimental value. All is well. Andy is changing his job and will be working closer to home for now on. I am happy about that. We will be gettting a new home soon and I will like having him home. Jack is also loving up fhis Daddy more and More. everyday he sees his dad he hugs and kisses him and just loves him to pieces. My girls are fine. Missi is at the mall with her posse, and Allie is working. Her boyfriend is home from college so she is back to being her happy self all the time. Young love. I will write a...

My husband calls me tater, you know like a potato. Long story but unknowingly someone heard him call me that and they took it as an insult. They believed he was calling me fat. Trust me he would never do that. I could be fatter than fat and he would nt say the words. I spent the day wrapping gifts at a friends place. My Mom watched Jack and the girls were at school. I spent the day in the back office of their shop and listened to their office run for the day. I liked it. People coming in and out and chatting all day, friendly kind of business. I wouldnt like the "snobby" people that come in but I am typically friendly and chatty my kind of work. Any way I spent 4 hours wrapping gifts and still am not done. I have finished Andys stuff, and most of allies, Missi's are all different shapes and sizes so more difficult to get wrapped. jacks things are toys, big trucks, police cars, hummers, puzzles, blocks, leapfrog, wooden trains, tracks, books, I have alot to do....

Blessings are all around me. Healthy beautiful children. I adore them and all they bring to my life. I am rich with people that love me. I have friends that think of me on a daily basis and want only the best for me. I have a husband that I cant put into words the impact he has had on my life. I still get an excited butterfly in my belly when he least expects it. His eyes are golden brown, sparkling deep rich bronze. They see through me and into me. I cried last night, cried hard and long. He held me, rubbed my back and kissed my neck. Whispered in my ear he loves me and will always love me. I curled into his arms and pulled my knees up and he wrapped himself around me. The most lifechanging thing ever said to me I believe are his words of "You are my life" I puzzled and he repeated. My life is with you and about you and what we are together. I want to be with him, He makes me laugh hard. Love hard and I trust him. I can close my eyes and smell him when he ...

I have been looking at lyrics, poems, prayers, something to help put into words the loss that I feel. When I say lonely isnt a four letter word I mean there are worse things than lonely. Bitter, resentful, angry, I am lonely for the person that truly understands me. My Father truly did. I have had some really really bad times in my life, he knew them. Tucked them away and never brought them out unless I was going in the wrong direction. An honest friend that knew the truth and still had my best future in mind. I was lying in bed tonight and thought how can never be defined. How can I never hang with him again, never hear his voice, never see him with my children? I am hurting tonight, this morning and will be for a long time.

A friend in need is a friend indeed. I am already feeling the loss of my dear friend Maryellen. I waa there again this evening and she is 80 pounds. We used to laugh together about who was fatter and we would laugh and have a beer and discuss our snacks and goodies for the weekend. We played cards every weekend for about a year when the girls were at an age when they didnt go anywhere so we hung out together. A strage bubch we turned out to be. Tim and I got divorced, Keith and cathy got divorced and Keith is now living with his significant other, a man! Then there is John and Maryellen. Still together and still in love. She is suffering and complaining of pressure and burning in the rectum. She is on two Morphine patches and two Vicodan every two hours. Sleepy, in pain, and not complaining. I want to do more for her, but what to do I dont know. Why am I here? Why is she days away from death, and not complaining. I made her a bouquet of Christmas flowers and ever...

We are going to look at a house at 4pm. I have been so excited to check this particular house out. I love older homes and their character. The one we will be looking at today is about 70 y>o> and has sooo much character. Three fireplaces, 4 bedrooms, marble floor in the dining room, florida room, balcony off the second floor. So many built ins and character charm abounds. I am truly hoping this is the one. Andy encourages me not to rush into anything but we are bursting at the seams here. My fear withthis house the size of the kitchen, 10x10? How can that be unless it is just the basics with a dining room that is almost attached. We will see. We have property we could build on we still might I dont know what will happen. One thing ata time. Jack is chilling out and I am getting my house cleaned bit by bit. So I am still in jammie pants and t shirt. Hope no one shows up!

Now that Jack is feeling better we have been able to get out and get some shopping done. We have been out everyday this week. One of the perks of being a stay at home mom at this point is that luxury. I was working as a single mom of two girls and scratching my ass for money and wouldnt go back there for anything. Although the rewards of seeing MY OWN STUFF worked for paid for and enjoyed by ME. Anyway I know and appreciate how lucky I am at this point to be at home. I saw a woman at the grocery store today I haven seen in years and of course she asked about Jack and how my girls were. All was well with her. Anyway she said wishes she had taken a chance again after her divcorce and tried to meet someone. I told her it is never too late to meet someone and fall in love. She was teary eyed and said she was lonely because of Christmas. I encouraged her to get out to night school, hobbies, bookstores, book club, dance lessons, on line dating, church, the local Lowes, home depo...

I cant put into words what this child did and continues to do to me on a daily basis. I literally died three days after his birth. I had no idea what it meant to love someone "to death". I do now. I believe he was brought to this earth for more than just the reasons I can imagine. There is something else inhis little soul. Something behind the eyes that are the bluest I have ever seen. You can see the soul of him in there. My heart stopped beating and I saw the other side for a fdew monets. No tunnel or anything just my gransfather telling it wasnt time yet. I need to rrealize my gift of life. Instead of rehashing my faults and errors, I need to move ahead and LIVE. I have gratitude, just not enough. I have been humbled, but not everyday humility. How can I doubt my purpose with those eyes looking at me everyday, and loving me for just me.?

OK so years ago I worked for a particular physician that I found to be charming, intelligent and extremely intelligent. He and I had a rapport that was really quite amazing. I worked well with him and could almost tell what he needed and wanted before he asked. We worked in detox together so addicts are usually unpredictable and we had a routine that worked well. He was devoted to his "family" which consisted of his girlfriend and her two daughters. We never got together or anyhting outside of work as couples but often talked about getting the girls togehter and hang out or something. I hadnt heard or seen him in a few years until one day this summer I saw him, he looked awful and told me that he and "Cathy" had broken up. Sorry to hear that, blah blah. Tonight I get a call from the DON from that same facility after about 6 months to find out how I am doing since the loss of my dad and the her dad died and all kinds of shit- ANYWAY- I told her I saw Dr. X and ...

Andy, Jack and I went to the Armory today for the family of soldiers luncheon. It was very nice and lots of people with their soldiers. Jack got to see santa and we got a few pics on his lap. He was a good boy. While we were out Tim and the girls got the christmas tree and put it up with lights and trimmings it is pretty. The other decorations are slowly getting together so all is well. I sm feeling ok today. I really dont know what I would do without my husband he so supportive. I think he has just grown into this amazing man. He always looked and acted like a man, just didnt have the heart yet. This little boy has changed him, and I hope I have had some good to do with the change as well. I have loved him every minute since I met him. We are not perfect but I think when we fight we are as passionate as when we make up. In a good way. I know in the past we have had our bad hard times but that is a long time ago. We are a team and I love him.

The pic of the girls makes them look "tough" that is as tough as they get pretty funny I think at 7 am before school. The other pic is of Allie and her BF Joey. He is away at college but will be home for the holidays . Hes a good kid so I dont complain.

Was invited to and enjoyed attending a cookie party. Yup cookies by the dozen. I makde eight dozen cookies, one for each person attending and they each did the same. We all arrive at Alice's house and exchange our dozens and everyone goes home with eight dozen different cookies for the holidays. What is the good part well we drank wine and talked and drank wine and giggled and laughed out loud and reminisced. All good things at this point. Jack has been sick the past week with a wicked ear infection which made him even more of a bugger in the sleep area. He is right now up in our bed with Daddy. They are snuggled under the blankets with the arms over their heads identical. He looks more like his Dad everyday and I like it. The only thing distinctive of me is the blue eyes. I hope to attach a recent photo. The girls are fine Missi is at a sleepover and Allie got kicked last night while cheering . She has a sore chest muscle and is having trouble raising her arm. I had ...

I am in very bad space today. I miss my father in a desperate way. I am feeling his absence more and more everyday. What hit me today I dont know. I guess the holidays arent helping but my down time is consumed by thoughts of What is he thinking ? where is he? Is he afraid or lonely? My faith has taught me since childhood that heaven is a paradise that words cant explain. I believe, but how can he be without us and still be happy? We were his whole life, my children, my mother my brothers their families. He didnt go a day without a call or something concerning all of us. The last few days of his life he fought hard to stay. I knew he wasnt ready. The last day he was peaceful. But I held his hand and didnt want to let him go. How do you say goodbye to someone that was an example of courage and grace. A daily reminder of what I wanted to be. My Dad was raised by his single mother who had him at 40 y.o. He didnt have a dad (living) and was on his own for his upbringing. ...

Allie and I go tot he mall. I have 100 dollars to spend on me. That never happens, I always spend it on something or someone else. So I go directly to my fav store, B Moss. OK so the secret is out I am a yuppie dressing scarf wearing hat donning 40 yr old woman. I love the sweaters that are turtleneck, wide legged wool pants, vests, and a cool hat. I am famous for my black beret, you know you have to feel those things in order to wear them. So we are eagerly shopping me in the size 12 and up , she in the 3,5's. ( lttle shit!!!!) I ask her If she felt that? felt what that that that whooosh I utter whooosh and it comes from the back to the front, cool tight air, champagne bottle whoosh I feel the urge to grab my 5'8" baby and dive under the rack of knee length wrap around grey sweaters. I look around everyone is looking at each other and we all grin and hold badk the OH SHIT LETS RUN My take charge gal says Mom put everything down lets get out of here and into the...