Flaming June's Love

Today was a beautiful gorgeous sunny June 1 st day. A Saturday morning in this weather, anyone that knows me knows where I will be on days like today. Well, maybe you wont know exactly where I am, but you will know that I will be out scavenging garage sales, estate sales, auctions. I prefer to go alone so I can chat with strangers and talk to other peoples stuff. My "eccentric" flag can wave far and wide and no one is shooshing me.  LOL So I left at 730 this morning, put the top down on the convertible and turned up the radio and drove away.  During my meditations I am asked to recall a favorite time or place.  It has often been that car, that moment, that weather, the destination. So today was the day I got to DO MY HAPPY PLACE!!!  Can you say that?  Can you be in your happy place ever?  Is it how and what you imagine it to be? Driving along this morning it was cold with the top down, and windy.  It wasnt a perfect sunny day first thing ...

I have finished my Ornish program.  Graduated!  Even had a graduation ceremony with my comrades of cohort 8. I am now doing my best everyday to eat well, exercise, relax and find people that want to listen to me as I listen to them.  Share ideas, feelings, dreams, fears without judgement or repercussions. I enjoyed all aspects of the program, the group therapy was amazing. I shared with the group the overwhelming fear I was having during my last post. The group therapist suggested I see someone privately.  (crazy ville I guess?) So I did.  I did see a therapist  3 sessions.  I shared my overwhelming fear, crippling stand still heart pounding fear. I guess they call that trauma now.  I guess if you admit that you have been through scary shit, for a long time, they call it traumatized. I dont call it anything.  I do believe that my sharing my fear, when it happens, helps me. If someone else has it too, then they can understand ...

I am not afraid of pain. I am afraid of pain that leads to more pain. I have had patients that I've watched suffer, immeasurable pain from burns, cancers, indescribable loss. Loss pain I believe is the most torturous to watch, or survive. A Mother had to be told that three of her four children died and the last was burned unrecognizable and most likely going to pass as well. She begged for me to KILL HER, PLEASE JUST KILL ME.  I CANT LIVE ANOTHER MOMENT. I was a kid of 21, fresh faced and ready to see it all.   Be in it all.  I got it all and it took me years to get the smell of burnt flesh out of my nose.  I can catch it every so often when I work at the grill.  Andy gets perturbed when I catch a whiff of "smoke" or "Fire" or "fuel" and send him on a wild goose chase to find the source.  Its smell memory.  The smell of pain.  I know physical pain, surgical recovery was difficult but I was convinced I would get physically bett...

I am entering week 5 of my 9 week cardiac rehab program.. this is an intensive program with strict dietary restrictions, mandatory, relaxation, yoga, group therapy and lecture with meals.  I am following the Dean Ornish program as well as I can.  No fat, no animal products, high protein. I have been exercising and feeling better inthat dept than i have in a fe years to say the least.  I am bale to walk and listen to my music and feel great.\ UNTIL IT HITS.   I n be rolling along singing my song when... "Why do this? you are going to drop dead any minute no anyway." "Did you feel that?, thats probably a blood clot traveling to you brain right about now." "You better slow down or speed up, or stop, before you drop dead right here." "I wonder who will find my body if I drop dead right now" "What was that feeling in my stomach> bloodclot, angina., gas?" "I think I an run a bt,   better not, you might die." "Don...

I was sitting on the floor of his one room, apartment.  It was a total disaster. Clothes, shoes, books, magazines, paper clippings, newspapers. EVERYWHERE. He would walk around the apartment, usually in his underwear, and pick up a book and just plop down, open it, and read. Then get up, put the book down, do something, come back and have some old magazine in his hand.  He would plop somewhere else and just read. I was sitting on the floor, wearing my old overalls and tshirt, painting my nails.  I watched his patterned walking, packing, reading. I dont even know this guy.  No FUCKING CLUE. I am leaving in the morning for a weeks vacation to Key West with a total stranger. This is crazy...... I knew he drove like a maniac, I knew he could talk as if no one was listening to him. I figured out that he spent alot of time alone growing up so.. no one was EVER listening. He was funny, he was cute and was in the military so how screwed up could he be? We ...

The week between Christmas and New Years is a slow slow week at my work.  No students, hardly any staff and a perfect time of year to get paid, and do hardly anything. Back at Christmas 2001, My friend Shirley and I were wasting time and goofing around with the computer while at work. Tim had officially left in September, but truthfully was gone for years before that. Anyway, Shirley and I looked up MATCH .COM It was a cutting edge way to meet people in your vicinity that were single. OK perfect way to spend the day.  look at men we would never date. I scrolled and scrolled scrolled. Then saw a black and white photo of a guy with long lashes dimples. Cute. Teddy bearish.  I sent him a note, he wrote back immediately. sent another note, he responded.  We wrote for the rest of the day. We met at a local bar about  2 days later.  the 30th I think of December because when we met we talked about what we were each doing for New Years eve. As we we...