Flaming June's Love

I am not afraid of pain. I am afraid of pain that leads to more pain. I have had patients that I've watched suffer, immeasurable pain from burns, cancers, indescribable loss. Loss pain I believe is the most torturous to watch, or survive. A Mother had to be told that three of her four children died and the last was burned unrecognizable and most likely going to pass as well. She begged for me to KILL HER, PLEASE JUST KILL ME.  I CANT LIVE ANOTHER MOMENT. I was a kid of 21, fresh faced and ready to see it all.   Be in it all.  I got it all and it took me years to get the smell of burnt flesh out of my nose.  I can catch it every so often when I work at the grill.  Andy gets perturbed when I catch a whiff of "smoke" or "Fire" or "fuel" and send him on a wild goose chase to find the source.  Its smell memory.  The smell of pain.  I know physical pain, surgical recovery was difficult but I was convinced I would get physically bett...

I am entering week 5 of my 9 week cardiac rehab program.. this is an intensive program with strict dietary restrictions, mandatory, relaxation, yoga, group therapy and lecture with meals.  I am following the Dean Ornish program as well as I can.  No fat, no animal products, high protein. I have been exercising and feeling better inthat dept than i have in a fe years to say the least.  I am bale to walk and listen to my music and feel great.\ UNTIL IT HITS.   I n be rolling along singing my song when... "Why do this? you are going to drop dead any minute no anyway." "Did you feel that?, thats probably a blood clot traveling to you brain right about now." "You better slow down or speed up, or stop, before you drop dead right here." "I wonder who will find my body if I drop dead right now" "What was that feeling in my stomach> bloodclot, angina., gas?" "I think I an run a bt,   better not, you might die." "Don...

I was sitting on the floor of his one room, apartment.  It was a total disaster. Clothes, shoes, books, magazines, paper clippings, newspapers. EVERYWHERE. He would walk around the apartment, usually in his underwear, and pick up a book and just plop down, open it, and read. Then get up, put the book down, do something, come back and have some old magazine in his hand.  He would plop somewhere else and just read. I was sitting on the floor, wearing my old overalls and tshirt, painting my nails.  I watched his patterned walking, packing, reading. I dont even know this guy.  No FUCKING CLUE. I am leaving in the morning for a weeks vacation to Key West with a total stranger. This is crazy...... I knew he drove like a maniac, I knew he could talk as if no one was listening to him. I figured out that he spent alot of time alone growing up so.. no one was EVER listening. He was funny, he was cute and was in the military so how screwed up could he be? We ...

The week between Christmas and New Years is a slow slow week at my work.  No students, hardly any staff and a perfect time of year to get paid, and do hardly anything. Back at Christmas 2001, My friend Shirley and I were wasting time and goofing around with the computer while at work. Tim had officially left in September, but truthfully was gone for years before that. Anyway, Shirley and I looked up MATCH .COM It was a cutting edge way to meet people in your vicinity that were single. OK perfect way to spend the day.  look at men we would never date. I scrolled and scrolled scrolled. Then saw a black and white photo of a guy with long lashes dimples. Cute. Teddy bearish.  I sent him a note, he wrote back immediately. sent another note, he responded.  We wrote for the rest of the day. We met at a local bar about  2 days later.  the 30th I think of December because when we met we talked about what we were each doing for New Years eve. As we we...

So I am about 3 weeks post 2nd stent placement. Long story short I have been complaining since October that I was having epigastric pain after eating.  I had two endoscopies, looking for whatever, and 2 CT scans looking for whatever blood work, xrays until finally I said to Andy... "I think its my heart and Im dying." We went to Philadelphia a few days later saw the Cardiologist and he pretty much agreed. The vessel that was used from my leg to bypass one of the blockages in my heart was blocked again.  Right below where the last stent was placed a year ago. So now two stents are holding the graft open in my right coronary artery.  I am real good at denial and avoidance, but sometimes MY MORTALITY is right in my face. Probably more than the average person.  I have had this life changing and mind blowing disease for almost 14 years.  It is a daily thought, and almost an hourly concern of "Is this my last day? will I drop dead today?" "Will this broke...

Fall is usually my "blue" season. I'm not depressed, and when I feel I am getting a bit darker than "blue" I wrangle myself into remembering a time back on Gardner Ave. I dont want to be that person ever ever again. I do beleive I was "depressed" that time. I was standing at my sink before Jack, before Andy, after Tim. Gray zone. I would call Tim hundreds of times in a day, let it ring, let the machine get it and just listen...... "It's Tim, I can't get the phone, just leave me a message." I would just record... nothing.  I had said, screamed, cried, begged it all before. By this time, I was empty.  So I would record just ... air. I would hang up.  call again. again, again.  Enough so I would record his entire machine then it wouldnt pick up anymore. The sink was full of dishes, a broken glass just found its way into the palm of my hand. I rememebr squeezing it... slowly.  It would break my skin and I'd losen m...