Flaming June's Love

I am entering week 5 of my 9 week cardiac rehab program.. this is an intensive program with strict dietary restrictions, mandatory, relaxation, yoga, group therapy and lecture with meals.  I am following the Dean Ornish program as well as I can.  No fat, no animal products, high protein. I have been exercising and feeling better inthat dept than i have in a fe years to say the least.  I am bale to walk and listen to my music and feel great.\ UNTIL IT HITS.   I n be rolling along singing my song when... "Why do this? you are going to drop dead any minute no anyway." "Did you feel that?, thats probably a blood clot traveling to you brain right about now." "You better slow down or speed up, or stop, before you drop dead right here." "I wonder who will find my body if I drop dead right now" "What was that feeling in my stomach> bloodclot, angina., gas?" "I think I an run a bt,   better not, you might die." "Don...

I was sitting on the floor of his one room, apartment.  It was a total disaster. Clothes, shoes, books, magazines, paper clippings, newspapers. EVERYWHERE. He would walk around the apartment, usually in his underwear, and pick up a book and just plop down, open it, and read. Then get up, put the book down, do something, come back and have some old magazine in his hand.  He would plop somewhere else and just read. I was sitting on the floor, wearing my old overalls and tshirt, painting my nails.  I watched his patterned walking, packing, reading. I dont even know this guy.  No FUCKING CLUE. I am leaving in the morning for a weeks vacation to Key West with a total stranger. This is crazy...... I knew he drove like a maniac, I knew he could talk as if no one was listening to him. I figured out that he spent alot of time alone growing up so.. no one was EVER listening. He was funny, he was cute and was in the military so how screwed up could he be? We ...

The week between Christmas and New Years is a slow slow week at my work.  No students, hardly any staff and a perfect time of year to get paid, and do hardly anything. Back at Christmas 2001, My friend Shirley and I were wasting time and goofing around with the computer while at work. Tim had officially left in September, but truthfully was gone for years before that. Anyway, Shirley and I looked up MATCH .COM It was a cutting edge way to meet people in your vicinity that were single. OK perfect way to spend the day.  look at men we would never date. I scrolled and scrolled scrolled. Then saw a black and white photo of a guy with long lashes dimples. Cute. Teddy bearish.  I sent him a note, he wrote back immediately. sent another note, he responded.  We wrote for the rest of the day. We met at a local bar about  2 days later.  the 30th I think of December because when we met we talked about what we were each doing for New Years eve. As we we...

So I am about 3 weeks post 2nd stent placement. Long story short I have been complaining since October that I was having epigastric pain after eating.  I had two endoscopies, looking for whatever, and 2 CT scans looking for whatever blood work, xrays until finally I said to Andy... "I think its my heart and Im dying." We went to Philadelphia a few days later saw the Cardiologist and he pretty much agreed. The vessel that was used from my leg to bypass one of the blockages in my heart was blocked again.  Right below where the last stent was placed a year ago. So now two stents are holding the graft open in my right coronary artery.  I am real good at denial and avoidance, but sometimes MY MORTALITY is right in my face. Probably more than the average person.  I have had this life changing and mind blowing disease for almost 14 years.  It is a daily thought, and almost an hourly concern of "Is this my last day? will I drop dead today?" "Will this broke...

Fall is usually my "blue" season. I'm not depressed, and when I feel I am getting a bit darker than "blue" I wrangle myself into remembering a time back on Gardner Ave. I dont want to be that person ever ever again. I do beleive I was "depressed" that time. I was standing at my sink before Jack, before Andy, after Tim. Gray zone. I would call Tim hundreds of times in a day, let it ring, let the machine get it and just listen...... "It's Tim, I can't get the phone, just leave me a message." I would just record... nothing.  I had said, screamed, cried, begged it all before. By this time, I was empty.  So I would record just ... air. I would hang up.  call again. again, again.  Enough so I would record his entire machine then it wouldnt pick up anymore. The sink was full of dishes, a broken glass just found its way into the palm of my hand. I rememebr squeezing it... slowly.  It would break my skin and I'd losen m...

I remember spending hours and hours in college and HS talking to my girlfriends about anything, and everything. I rememebr spending entire weekends in Susan Finnertys house, in her apartment, (yes it was an apartment almost) and Amy Susan and I would spend fri to sunday smoking playing backgammon and eating Millburn Deli subs and sushi for days. WE TALKED How we felt, what we wanted, wished for, looked for, didnt want. What we saw, smelled, thought. Who we liked, boys, girls, teachers, parents, families, strangers. MUSIC WAS HUGE. Lyrics- old or new. Being married, not married, children, no children. Life death, afterlife religion. Susan talked about Barry and Mike. Amy talked about Scott. I talked about.. no one in particular.  I didnt have a boyfriend in High  School. I admired alot of the boys, I liked alot of them too. I hardly talked to any of them but I watched and listened.  I watched and LISTENED.  I LISTENED in the hallway, in the classroom, ...

So here he is. The newest light in my life. When he sees me he opens his arms for me to take him. I hold him, rock him, sing to him. Owen Reilly my smashingly handsome funny sweet grandson. Allie and I went to an allergist with him today, knowing he had food alleriges, but how severe was shocking. Milk Eggs Peanuts. Just the begining I am afraid. He has been small since he was born and Allie has done EVERYTHING to make it happen fo him. needing to gain weight and not thow up.  diarrhea, constipation, rashes, fevers. He is 14 months old and quite the trooper. So now we do MORE to make him comfortable and happy and healthy. Today we can be sad, and scared and angry that it hasnt been easy for this little guy so far. But tomorrow.... We get up and realize that it could be SO SO SO much worse. We know what he cannot have.  Which leaves us with the things he CAN HAVE. Of course I went to the store tonight and read labels.  I read lables that I have nev...