The sky looks different when you have people up there

 Today I picked up Owen from his summer camp.  He was happy and chatting about his day like a chirping bird from the back seat.  The emotion and drama that goes into this stories is not created or displayed, it is felt and burst forward so you feel it with him as he recreates a story so eloquently.

As we were driving down the mountain he said,

"which cloud do you think is heaven?"

I haven't thought of clouds being heaven in a very very long time.

I took a quick glance out my window and saw puffy white, a few long stretched from the front to the back and then a patch of clouds that were small dots all close together and making a pattern almost a field of flowers appearance.

I said I think heaven may be in those clouds that are all tight together and dotted like a field of flowers.

his response

Oh Nanny I love you for saying that.  I was thinking Nanabird was in the big puffy ones but you might be right.

We spoke with my Uncle Bernie the other day and that brought me to tears, the ones that just creep out of your eyes anywhere you may be.  In Boscovs, in the car, at home in the yard, driving around town, making dinner, listening to music, painting my nails, doing the same old things, doing brand new things.  Being happy, bored, lonely excited, angry, embarrassed, worried, tired, starting the washer, folding clothes, ironing clothes, picking up mail, going to the bank, going to the pool, watching the sunset, hearing the rain, smelling rain, watching sun in the trees, smelling cut grass, sitting on the back porch.  Cold beer, warm beer, a good burger, snappy hot dogs, whimpie, my made bed.  Seeing old friends,  seeing new friends, planning parties, NOT planning parties buying a new lipstick. TV shows, new movies, old movies, Edward Cullen.

The first six months I spent crying into Andys armpit saying "What am I supposed to do now?"

The second six months I spent saying to myself "What would she want me to do now?"

So here I am 362 days later and still going.  

Its foggy here in my world, nothing feels 100 percent "real" anymore. I am happy still and days I am sad, but neither of them feel like they did before July 3 2025.  My Happy's aren't as big and my sads don't compare to that sad.  This is not a challenge to the kosmos to show me a sadder sad, and I can live without the happier brands of happy.  I don't really need them anymore.  I want manageable.

I don't like feeling unmanageable.  I am a control kinda girl, I like predictable.

I visit Nanabird and Dad in my den frequently.  They have their own shelf in there.  In their boxes.

We should have put them in their niche when Rick was in but no one mentioned it and I am not quite ready yet.  I don't know what would be different other than its cold there.  

I don't want them cold.  

so here we are Mom, 1 year later.  I didn't do it all right. Im still doing some things to settle it all.  SOme of your stuff is in my attic the same way it came out of your apartment.  But that can be dealt with anytime.

Most importantly I took care of the kids.  That would make you happy. 

I would give it all back for one day.

I hope you're ok.  I hope you don't miss me.