Flaming June's Love

Here we go... The holiday is officially starting. My brother has arrived from Syracuse with his family and they are at my Moms now. We had chinese food for dinner to just have something to do so as to not talk to much. Tears are so close to the surface for all of us that too much talk is sure to trigger something. For example during dinner my brother mentioned a christmas from our childhood, the tradition of opening only one gift from a family member on christmas eve. I looked at my mom and she was looking down. I know we are going through hard times without Dad but we have to keep moving. Dave.. The oldest brother dramatic, sensitive, 12 years recovery, very very opinionated. Rick.. wild at heart, the trouble child, the most dear friend my Dad had. short tempered, smart, analytical Dan.. Mother to t he tea, quiet, thoughtful, smart, sensitive, handsome, committed. Me.. The baby, dont know, you would know better. Rick lives in New Mexico and wont be in for the holiday, I mis...

This year I was able to buy everything I wanted to for the children and the family. I know my husband knew I was hurting and didnt put a spending limit on me. I didnt go nuts but I did get the girls jewelry and clothes and shoes and toys. Money doesnt change anything but I believe the "things" will make us all happier to RECEIVE. I sooo enjoyed looking for everyone else. Special stuff for my mom and stuff for my mother inlaw. My brothers we got books with sentimental value. All is well. Andy is changing his job and will be working closer to home for now on. I am happy about that. We will be gettting a new home soon and I will like having him home. Jack is also loving up fhis Daddy more and More. everyday he sees his dad he hugs and kisses him and just loves him to pieces. My girls are fine. Missi is at the mall with her posse, and Allie is working. Her boyfriend is home from college so she is back to being her happy self all the time. Young love. I will write a...

My husband calls me tater, you know like a potato. Long story but unknowingly someone heard him call me that and they took it as an insult. They believed he was calling me fat. Trust me he would never do that. I could be fatter than fat and he would nt say the words. I spent the day wrapping gifts at a friends place. My Mom watched Jack and the girls were at school. I spent the day in the back office of their shop and listened to their office run for the day. I liked it. People coming in and out and chatting all day, friendly kind of business. I wouldnt like the "snobby" people that come in but I am typically friendly and chatty my kind of work. Any way I spent 4 hours wrapping gifts and still am not done. I have finished Andys stuff, and most of allies, Missi's are all different shapes and sizes so more difficult to get wrapped. jacks things are toys, big trucks, police cars, hummers, puzzles, blocks, leapfrog, wooden trains, tracks, books, I have alot to do....

Blessings are all around me. Healthy beautiful children. I adore them and all they bring to my life. I am rich with people that love me. I have friends that think of me on a daily basis and want only the best for me. I have a husband that I cant put into words the impact he has had on my life. I still get an excited butterfly in my belly when he least expects it. His eyes are golden brown, sparkling deep rich bronze. They see through me and into me. I cried last night, cried hard and long. He held me, rubbed my back and kissed my neck. Whispered in my ear he loves me and will always love me. I curled into his arms and pulled my knees up and he wrapped himself around me. The most lifechanging thing ever said to me I believe are his words of "You are my life" I puzzled and he repeated. My life is with you and about you and what we are together. I want to be with him, He makes me laugh hard. Love hard and I trust him. I can close my eyes and smell him when he ...

I have been looking at lyrics, poems, prayers, something to help put into words the loss that I feel. When I say lonely isnt a four letter word I mean there are worse things than lonely. Bitter, resentful, angry, I am lonely for the person that truly understands me. My Father truly did. I have had some really really bad times in my life, he knew them. Tucked them away and never brought them out unless I was going in the wrong direction. An honest friend that knew the truth and still had my best future in mind. I was lying in bed tonight and thought how can never be defined. How can I never hang with him again, never hear his voice, never see him with my children? I am hurting tonight, this morning and will be for a long time.

A friend in need is a friend indeed. I am already feeling the loss of my dear friend Maryellen. I waa there again this evening and she is 80 pounds. We used to laugh together about who was fatter and we would laugh and have a beer and discuss our snacks and goodies for the weekend. We played cards every weekend for about a year when the girls were at an age when they didnt go anywhere so we hung out together. A strage bubch we turned out to be. Tim and I got divorced, Keith and cathy got divorced and Keith is now living with his significant other, a man! Then there is John and Maryellen. Still together and still in love. She is suffering and complaining of pressure and burning in the rectum. She is on two Morphine patches and two Vicodan every two hours. Sleepy, in pain, and not complaining. I want to do more for her, but what to do I dont know. Why am I here? Why is she days away from death, and not complaining. I made her a bouquet of Christmas flowers and ever...