Flaming June's Love

OK so I am talking to myself today and we decided that I am no longer me. truly I am not me anymore and I think I wouldnt recognize myself if I met me 5 years ago. OK here goes. I am decidedly fat. I have never been fat. always the tall glamorous looking one. not bragging but truthfully. I still love clothes but nothing looks good on me. I feel fat and look worse I think. This by the way has nothing to do with my husband he is attentive to me sexually and all too eager to satisfy me in any way he can. He is enthusiastic about my body and has me convinced he is happy. He has paid for me to got o the gym aand I have a membership I just havent gone. why ??? babysitter, partly, depressed "I am fat just live with it." Lazy yes. sad yes. I think I have to just go and not contemplate what else I could be doing other than walking on the treadmill. I will make an effort tomorrow. I promise. second thought for the day, No one will ever meet my dad and say so that i...

To regret something means to me that you would change the occasion or outcome of an event. Well I regret since 1991. I have always lived with the belief that things happen for a reason but I am feeling ;like a trainwreck lately. I am grieving the loss of my father, yet I am also grieving the loss of at least the first half of my life. I am not what I had hoped to be. Singularly, me, alone, I am not what I wanted to be. I do have alot of gratitude for the childrren never regret them or their outcome. If I have had anything to do with their successes I would be grateful. I would have been seems futile at this point-What I intend to be seems more hopeful and optimistic huh? I have days when I want to run with my son and sell everything and ge4t a tiny apartment and just "be". Then other days I am happy with the wife mom position. Prior to meeting my second husband I haaaad plans to graduate my girls and sell it all and move to a city with just a bicycle as a mode of t...

How does today look so far? okay from here. Andy will be back today which is a good thing. Tonight is the homecoming bonfire at the girls school and Allie is in the homecoming court-- okay for those of you not up to speed on your HS stuff LOL that means that she was chosen by her senior class to be one of the five girls in the running for homecoming queen! Is that exciting or not! I could be the queen mum!!!!! All the more reason to get out and gwet something new for Jack and I for saturday nights football game. I am feeling better following my last post. I was very upset by the comments made on the womans site but I realize that is done now. Not too much else going on just going to jump into the shower now and get ready for the day.

I have had a beautiful wekend. Right now Jack is happily watching Sesame street Missi is sleeping soundly on the couch , My husband is sleeping and here I am recounting the good things in my life. Have all things been good and great no not always. Have I made mistakes absolutely. regrets..? yes. Can I change them nope.. learn alot..? yes. To make a long story short, after having a broken heart and truly being broken, I confided in someone I thought was a friend. And actually up until this morning I still thought waas friend. We had been through something that only women can understand. cheating husbands and boyfriends. The view and emotional damage attached to that is not the same as effects for men. Anyway, she and I compared notes, shared feelings and I thought got past some of the hurt TOGETHER. When you are hurting like that you can make some bad choices and even not see people for what and who they are even though people tell you they are bad. Iwas warned, given exampl...

I went for a walk this evening Jack and I. As I said this am it was an exceptionally beautiful day here. The evening remains equally memorable. Twl things to remember so I will write them here. 1. The light on the trees at 6:45 was tremendous. setting reddish harvest sun in the west. threw light on amber trees that I swear I havent ever seen before. If I knew how or what the color was I would paint my liffe with it. I dont know if it was so much the "color" as the "light". Ok here is the thoughtful side of it,.... Could that be my Dad? Could he be in "heaven" and shining a light down on Jack and I so that we feel something good? Did his face pop into my mind habitually or intentionally inspired by a greater being, force, power? Did I get that grateful to be alive feeling by encouragement or by habit.? I miss my dad on a daily basis. He and Mom lived up the street so seeing him 3-4 times a day was not unusual so when I say I have lost a const...

Dear GOD, Thank you for such a gorgeous fall day. The sun is shining, the leaves are the first sign of change, the hint of a light green to soon turn those magical colors of northeast fall. I was able to get into my own car today on my own feet and with strength and enthusiasm and wrestled my healthy happy 1 yr old son into his carseat and went to the grocery store. That is where I realized that I have enough money to buy food that intriques me, freshest fruits and vegetables for my children, and still have money left over. Jack and I drove with the music playing windows open and breathed in chilly fresh air. Smell of leaves cut grass and images of a hot cup of pumpkin spice coffee. I sit here now on the computer, my home is clean, I am healthy, my oldest children are at school, a private high school where they are getting one of the best educations possible in this area. I am so grateful. I have had loss the past few years bu I am encouraged, positive, grateful and ready to li...

Tuesday and all is well. My exhusband was over today toclose the family pool. I guess its an unusual relationship, when it comes to typical divorced couples. I like him. I always liked him, and to be honest I still love him but more like a longtime family member that just "is". I was with my ex for 15 years, since I was 17 myself so life before him is almost nonexitant. I dont think I discovered who I was or what I wanted until after we broke up. Sadly enough I didnt know how much I liked him until after he was gone, and truly I probably could have stayed happy with him had I met him when I was older to realize what is truly important. Thats the past, now I am remarried to a man that is so totally opposite of my first husband. Loving and verbal obviously loves me. People I hardly know say they never saw a man so in love. "With me?, why. " I ask him that often why I am nothing special. But to him I am. that is all that matterts right. right.