Flaming June's Love

Fall is usually my "blue" season. I'm not depressed, and when I feel I am getting a bit darker than "blue" I wrangle myself into remembering a time back on Gardner Ave. I dont want to be that person ever ever again. I do beleive I was "depressed" that time. I was standing at my sink before Jack, before Andy, after Tim. Gray zone. I would call Tim hundreds of times in a day, let it ring, let the machine get it and just listen...... "It's Tim, I can't get the phone, just leave me a message." I would just record... nothing.  I had said, screamed, cried, begged it all before. By this time, I was empty.  So I would record just ... air. I would hang up.  call again. again, again.  Enough so I would record his entire machine then it wouldnt pick up anymore. The sink was full of dishes, a broken glass just found its way into the palm of my hand. I rememebr squeezing it... slowly.  It would break my skin and I'd losen m...

I remember spending hours and hours in college and HS talking to my girlfriends about anything, and everything. I rememebr spending entire weekends in Susan Finnertys house, in her apartment, (yes it was an apartment almost) and Amy Susan and I would spend fri to sunday smoking playing backgammon and eating Millburn Deli subs and sushi for days. WE TALKED How we felt, what we wanted, wished for, looked for, didnt want. What we saw, smelled, thought. Who we liked, boys, girls, teachers, parents, families, strangers. MUSIC WAS HUGE. Lyrics- old or new. Being married, not married, children, no children. Life death, afterlife religion. Susan talked about Barry and Mike. Amy talked about Scott. I talked about.. no one in particular.  I didnt have a boyfriend in High  School. I admired alot of the boys, I liked alot of them too. I hardly talked to any of them but I watched and listened.  I watched and LISTENED.  I LISTENED in the hallway, in the classroom, ...

So here he is. The newest light in my life. When he sees me he opens his arms for me to take him. I hold him, rock him, sing to him. Owen Reilly my smashingly handsome funny sweet grandson. Allie and I went to an allergist with him today, knowing he had food alleriges, but how severe was shocking. Milk Eggs Peanuts. Just the begining I am afraid. He has been small since he was born and Allie has done EVERYTHING to make it happen fo him. needing to gain weight and not thow up.  diarrhea, constipation, rashes, fevers. He is 14 months old and quite the trooper. So now we do MORE to make him comfortable and happy and healthy. Today we can be sad, and scared and angry that it hasnt been easy for this little guy so far. But tomorrow.... We get up and realize that it could be SO SO SO much worse. We know what he cannot have.  Which leaves us with the things he CAN HAVE. Of course I went to the store tonight and read labels.  I read lables that I have nev...

This is Jack yesterday. I see a young man, nearly a man. Yet when he sees me he hugs me, wants me to rub his back when he goes to sleep, and feels sad when I scold him. He is in 7th grade and Ive looked back on this very blog and found preK posts. Post when my heart was nearly broken. Fear and dread filled posts about our future. Is it an easy task to be jacks Mom.? No.  But my rewards are greater than any burden I could ever ever claim to have. Andy and I have not made this marriage thing easy.  Nor have we always made the co parenting thing easy. BUT- God was watching and when I was just about at the end, someone, somewhere came to my rescue. Whether it was Andy, Nana, my girls, a stranger, or friend. Pulled me out of the "bridge" and kept Jack and I going over the edge. We were in the car after a brief visit to the peds office this evening.  The Dr asked him if he was on any medication.  He said No, not any more. I was so surprised he answered li...

Can you recall a tine in your life when you were really happy? Did you know you were really happy? There is a song or poem somewhere I recall that says "These are the days we will remember" I was driving Friday evening with jack and my mom to Kutztown for a Cross Country tournament and said to my Mom. I am really happy right now. RIGHT NOW! I was joyful!  I was feeling almost overwhelmed. Was that menopausal hormone surges, the Holy Spirit, or just a glimpse of "the moment"? I Was feeling physically well, my Mom is feeling good after her bout with Pneumonia and a 5 day hospitalization last month.  Andy is happy in his new job.  Really happy challenged and working hard is real good for him. Our boy is happy and healthy in 7th grade.  He is trying new things and spreading himself out a little bit.  Scary, but good for growth. My girls are good.  Owen is good. I feel good. So guess what I am happy!!  It may last a day, an hour, a week, a yea...

japama's? majama"s? Panama's? Our 13 year old son can tell youall about current affairs in the world. He can read a book in a day.  He can run like the wind. He has a beautiful smile, an incredible dry sense of humor, a heart that is faithful to a fault. He will not back down from an argument even if he knows he is wrong.  (This is bad) He cannot spell worth a shit. I can go on and on.  I am designed to ramble about his glorious attributes.  7th grade is upon us, and I rememebr that grade.  That was the year I was invisible almost the entire year.  We went from elementary school to Junior high.  The elementary schools merged and somehow my friends from the old school just "found" their way to new friends. I remember I ate lunch in the bathroom a few times when I couldnt find anyone to eat with. When my girls were in 7th grade I was freaked out.  Worried.  But they were alright, easy it seemed. My Jack is alright, he is a ...

Whenever The day comes, I want this sung at my funeral. So my babes never ever forget my love for them. My children my grandchildren and forever.

I've had grandparents, only three of the genetic 4 but my 3 were exceptional.  I recall a great grandmother as well.  Not many memories but a do recall sitting in an overstuffed chair out the mountain with her.  They were safe, cozy, chill places with them. I never imagined them as "people" really as a child, they were just my NANA and POP and GRAM. I never worried about anything around them, they were a safe haven. Now I am a NANA. Am I possibly a safe haven for My Owen?  I want to be his cozy place, his safe place, the place he goes to just be away from whatever everyday thing could be creeping around. Am I able to be that person? I feel too selfish to be anyone elses safe haven, yet when he is near I only want to hold and love him.  Kiss his sweet face and smell his baby boy smells. I dont feel like the Nana.  I feel like the Mom that happens to have more baby.... from her baby. I see Owen almost every weekday for about 2 hours.  He is us...

Our boy has bilateral stress fractures of the Tibias. That means the shin bones of both lower legs have cracks in them. How, why, when?  So many times he complained of his shins hurting.  I chalked it up to shin splints from running.  We got him new running shoes with inserts and thought that would do the trick.  Obviously not.  I feel as though I missed it.  I should have been doing more, sooner.  I cant go back and change it.  I would give it to myself if I could. He now has the summer off from any strenuous activities.  ALong with any distance running.  He does not have Cancer. The thickening of the bone is soft tissue swelling and bone. I would ask anyone that loves me that if any of my children should die, put me out of my misery so I can be with them.  I always thought that the other 2 would have eachother, I would go with the one that passed.  Wherever they were I would want to be. Whether death is a long though...

There is fear of flying, fear of losing your house, fear of hair turning grey. Then there is FEAR.  The kind that will grab you by your gut in a split second and rip your breath away... Tomorrow will be a few tests that will prove our boy is 100% healthy specimen of an almost 13 year old.  If there was ever a time in my life that I've done something to bring illness to one of my children let me suffer 10 fold for it.  I accept that willingly, gratefully. Whatever mischief he may get into, let this remind me that I WILL TAKE IT. If you pray, or chant, or cast, please do it.  For my boy.  My wonder boy

Today is our 13th wedding anniversary. We went for dinner on saturday night, I got a lovely card. I also got a new (to me) convertible!!!  Its cute and will be driven around the Fort ALL SUMMER!!! But what would a wedding anniversary celebration be iff... just say.... 12th year was the hardest one yet. There were tears, and disagreements, and slammed doors, with alot of quiet hours? I imagine it could go one of two ways. 1.  We stay resentful, angry, hair trigger emotional bubbles. 2. We continue, on a daily basis let go... bit by bit... of those hurt feelings and what ifs?  I remain grateful, everyday for my Andy, his faithfulness to our family and home.  His ability to adapt and make things just happen and work.  With all of my ability to just give up and give in...  he stays on course with "family, love and commitment". So..Happy lucky number 13 to us. I remember the day we married I said to myself.. "If this isnt going to work I will kno...