Flaming June's Love

HS reunion 30 years. More than that, I have lived this long?! What was on my mind at the time of the above photo.  circa 1984? I wrote poetry and stories then destroyed them or hid them under my bed. I wondered if I would ever have a boyfriend, would anyone ever love me? I knew I was going to Nursing school, but was indifferent about the idea.  I wanted to go somewhere and didnt really care where. I was wearing Amy's Moms sweater, she wore my Moms sweater. I had nevereending thoughts about living in a city, in a small apartment, minding my business. My life was very predictable and stable.  My parents worked hard and I had a job at the lawyers office as a receptionist. "kLEINBERG, MARONEY MASTERSON AND SCHACHTER THIS IS SUZANNE SPEAKING HOW MAY I HELP YOU/" I had a date to the prom, but he hardly spoke to me and once we got there he disappeared with his girlfiend that was attending with some other poor sap that invited her. But my dress was beautiful, my m...

Summer is not offically over acording to the calender, but in my mind and heart we are over.  A successful one, but time to turn the page. My favorite time of year is so close I can smell and taste it in the air. I lay in bed at night with the windows open just enough to get the fresh autumn breeeze over my face.  There is a whiff of smoke, something damp, some noise of a bird, crickets in their final chorus, innately knowing "speak now, or be lost forever." There have been a few rainy days in the last two weeks and they are calming, notures way of saying.. "Its ok to stay home and snuggle your boy, watch him play games all day, Lego for hours."  "Its ok to lay in bed with your man while he works and reads, and listens to music."  Its alright to WANT to stay home, and hide out, and cook. We were out the mountain for Labor day weekend as always. There was rain, sun, puffy white clouds.  the whole thing. Yesterday I put out my mums, three huge pott...

The summer of 2014 is winding down.  But not without a few little things left to do.  We have had a few adventures and quite a bit of fun. Farm camp the first week of summer which feels like forever ago.  Jack learned about chickens, cows, goats and alot of water life.. It was definitely a great expereince that we will do again next year. We went to the forty fort pool a few times, but certainly not as much as we have previous years.  I think something has changed for me.  I used to enjoy going and being just THERE.  We were busy with Karate all summer which has been great for our boy.  He is strong and trying hard to stay intune with Master Barnes.  There was a visit to Wilhelmina Modeling visit.  Of course they want Jack to be a model but they wanted a 1000 dollar phtoshoot to put his cards out and put him on their website.  OK Dont have that. He is beautiful, I know.  He will always be beautiful. YMCA camp with a sleep aw...

  There is heat in my nose. Tightness in my throat, a smile on my face. Tears in my eyes. A tightening in my gut, that holds tight even in my sleep. When I die my LOVE will be a ball of the finest golden thread that is rolled in the tightest ball, that circles round and round itself, over and over back and forth.  Unable to find the begining or the end.  It will be heavy with weight of the gold, but pliable in its ability to move and reshape for whatever comes its way. My body will be dust but my LOVE will be golden, warm, glowing and alive. So many good loving things recently.  Wedding plans, family visits, a boy that hugs me, kisses me, tells me he loves me.  The love in my life is big enough for me.  I have enough. My girls, my boy, my family... fill me.  Do they really KNOW? Do you KNOW? When I cant sleep at night I roll your faces in my head, dead and living. You all help me sleep, to push away the things I am avoiding. The ...

 Beaver lake Camp Kresge.  Jack and Louis before their first day at Camp. Dad at Camp Kresge. What if? What if Jack met a cute dark haired boy with a white spot on his front tooth.  He has crazy blue eyes and a smile that is contagious.  His name is Bobby. He is a friendly smile, a chuckle like boys do, an extra splash while they play in Beaver Lake. What if Bobbys buddy Bernie is there?  Then four boys hang out a bit, rub elbows and do camp stuff together. Four kids have a magical time, playing, swimming, goofing off like eight year old boys do.  Summer day that never ends.  "The best day EVER." Right when it is time for lights out, the four decide to be best friends for life.  Even if they never see eachother again, Jack and Louis are reassured that their new friends Bobby and Bernie, will always be there for them. When they are going back to school, doing homework, playing sports, driving cars, dating girls, going to college, ...

I remember this outfit I am wearing above.  My grandparents Joe and Alice on the left, Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom on the right. Mom and I on the swing. Mom and Dad, probably late fifties.  Just so stunning. I caught the last hour or so of Field of Dreams the other night.  I love that movie.  Especially the last few minutes. When Kevin Costners character looks out at the field he built, that was inspired by a feeling of something bigger someday, I had a sudden ache in my heart. That is our mountain.  They built it, and we continue to come. 70 years later, continue to show up.  Listening to crickets, telling same old stories, and adding new ones. Our memories are what keep the place ALIVE with the spirits of those that have gone before us. I remember last year one summer night just sitting in the quiet dark, listening for something, anything that would take me back to those days. "Are you here?" I whispered to the night. "Can you hear ...

  I rememebr the picture at the top.  That day was a stunningly beautiful day at the Jersey shore.  Jack was four.  His t-shirt was from Bloom Early day care.  He is just gorgeous, that mouth, those eyes, his bleach blonde hair. He had also been thrown out of two daycares that summer. yeah sounds funny, but truly a nightmare.  He was sooo aggressive that he was hurting other kids everyday.  Tantrums, hitting, kicking, punching, screaming.  He also didnt speak a the time.  At least not in sentences. He could use single or possibly  two words to communicate and that is where his frustration came from. He had already spent two years at Wyoming Valley Childrens Association and was making great progress.  But we werent there yet. I think if we look back on the blog there is an entry about this day. He would wander off, Run down the beach not look back. He tried talking to other people but they had no idea what he w...

Tomorrow morning I will wake up and be 48 years old. How old is that? Old enough to know better, Old enough to know love, and friendship. I've had a good 48.  I want at least 20 more. Jack said to me in the car yesterday, "I hope you live long enough to see my children, and be their Nana." I told him I hope I do too pal, but if I don't I will be an angel watching over you as you are a great Daddy and husband someday. No sad stuff. What are the highlights of my 47th year? Married nine years, Two daughter got engaged, My boy survived the second grade and in the end... He was successful. I watched Jack grow up, he is a boy now, He is private, gets embarassed, has friends, plays sports, TALKS a BLUUUUUUUE streak! I remember the days I swore he would never talk.  Then GOD intervened and here we are. Andy became Mayor.  ... ? ? ? I have some really good dear friends. I haven't been able to say that for quite some time. I have friends that I trust...

My beautiful, smart, funny, independnt, loving daughters. Big things are happening in their lives.  They have both found good men to spend the rest of their lives with. For this, I am grateful. Honestly, I could not have found two more well suited guys for them. Ryan makes Allie laugh.  Out loud, tears in her eyes, laugh. When I think of the times I love most with my Andy it is the times when he makes me laugh. There are aspects of their relationship that remind me alot of Tim and I. An understated familiarity.  A comfortable place they find in one another. They have similar goals.  To be happy, simple, honest people.  Together. That I like for her. Brandon is sweet and tender.  He loves Melissa with is whole heart.  It is obvious when you see them together, he admires her when she is next to him, across form him, or across the room.  He anticipates her needs and tends to them even without her asking. They both have such inno...

I went to an antique, rummage type sale at the community Temple.  A basement full of dishes, candlesticks, old records and lots of vintage costume jewelry.  I loved it all.  Since the house is jammed full of things that I LOVE...  I have taken to only buying things I intend to give away.  It doesnt mean I love these items any less, it just means I LOVE them so much I have committed them to someone else, as soon as I buy it. I think this makes me love them even more, they have to speak to me, move me, or appear to already belong to someone else before I will take them home.  I walked into the Temple, and having never been inside before thinking about a whole bunch of things.  I have been reading alot of books lately concerning world War II.  The Book Thief Once We Were Brothers Those Who Save Us Monuments Men The Bakers Daughter The Lost Wife Sarah Key So I entered with the families from my books written on the faces of the men and...

I know it is coming.  Big changes are right around the corner.  I am loving these days right now. I have a great relationship with my husband right now.  We are on a really good run. We are going with jack to NYC this weekend just to BE. I like him. One dayh at a time. I get to spend a few days a week with my Mom.  We shop, lunch, chat.  She is my go to gal.  I wish I could be there for her more, but for now-she seems to enjoy her independence.  I enjoy our sleepovers when Andy is away.  We have dinner and chat, do homework with Jack and simply just be. My boy has had a really good year.  His teacher Mrs. Gill has been an absolute Godsend.  This is the first year since his birth that I have been able to... step away.  Let my mind go somewhere other than, where, what, how, when and why's about the boy.  Oh I am still on top of the game, but at least I can breath.  He is speaking-perfectly clear sentences... He has ...

The season of Lent is upon us.  Today is Ash Wednesday and we should observe this day by going to church and receiving ashes. I am hopeful Jack has a goo dday at school today.  He was anxious about ashes on his forehead. I will hopefully be writing everyday for lent. I hope to get some spiritual reward by reigniting my writing. Maybe a daily purge will bring me closer to something important. Lent. I am giving up donuts as well. We are to reflect and be prayerful at this time of year. I will try my best. Jack is working diligently on his random acts of kindness still. One a day for lent. Let the "donut free random acts of kindness blogging prayerful 40 days and nights begin." Love to all. I feel empty for thoughts to blog about. But still love my babies.

It is not that I dont have anything to say, because I do. I just dont know if I want to anymore. Out loud. Lets see.... I busted through the other side of my season of sadness always the early fall. came out to greet Thanksgiving and Christmas with a positive attitude. Here I am in mid February, feeling, the same. All of the stuff that was there last year, still here this year. But... this year... I am okay with being HERE. Literally and figuratively. HERE is a lucky, healthy,manageable, mostly predictable, good place. Is it perfect? No.  Am I settling for something less than I deserve, or desire,. No.  I am actually happy with where we are. The girls are good. Our boy.. is good. My man is happy, feeling fullfilled sooo a happy daddy. I am good. Is it ok to feed off of all of them? They are happy, I am happy? Be3cause that is how it works.  At least for now. I have been writing most of these years to purge,empty myself on the page so I didnt stew mys...