Sleep

 I had a man in my life at one point that was 13 years older than I was.  He was "worldly" in my very impressionable heart and mind.  

He introduced me to Flaming June and gave me a lifelong compliment which actually led to the title of this blog.  He told me that I resembled Flaming June while I slept.  If you're trying to figure out where a when this man was in my life, don't bother.  He was where he shouldn't have been, but was exactly what I needed.

Anyway back to sleep topic.  I was able to fall asleep as if turning off a light, with a dimmer. 

My Sleep would approach me as an idea, without words.  I could be anywhere and Sleep would snuggle up to me as as a melancholy or an old friend without a name.  

Whether I was at work, home, with he kids, with a spouse Sleep was an intimacy who followed me around everywhere I went.

Of course once the girls were born Sleep had their children as well.  I had my Sleep and my girls had their own.  Allie and her Sleep were not friendly from the beginning.  She fought her Sleep from day 1 and welcomed Wake everyday with a smile and twinkle in her eye.  As an infant she cried from 6-10 every night.  Doctors said she had colic, I think she just didn't want to miss anything.  Missi on the other hand had her own love affair with her Sleep.  She welcomed it and would dream pleasant smiling laughing dreams for many years.  She was such a beautiful child and her angelic features just lent themselves to watching her and her Sleep fall in love.

Jack and his Sleep, have always had a fickle relationship.  He would fight his Sleep with fists and tears, then Sleep would win and forgive him all of his sins and embrace him through the night with peace and contentment.

I began menopause about 7 years ago.  The unpredictable night sweats and hot flashes that come as a foreboding heat in my chest.  A tingle pins and needles blooms through my neck and reaches up to my face and head.  This uninvited invasion tour of my body from beginning to end began as probably 3-4 minutes of red faced sweat dripping anxiety.  Through the 7 years I have now landed on nighttime hot flashes, and the mysterious insomnia.

My Sleep has also transformed from a sultry mysterious warmth bathed in "Flaming Junes" Orange to a unpredictable fickle scatterbrained old dog.  Wandering around the house, slowly, plopping down somewhere, without warning or purpose. Then without warning my old dog Sleep bolts up and has the unknown itch, squirrel in the yard, or purposeless need to wander the house again.  Of course my old dog Sleep needs to wander by the food bowl check out what may be there to graze on,  sniff the floor for scraps because the only thing to relieve this longing for Sleep is an old slice of pizza or peanut butter sandwich at 2 am.

I used to wake from Sleep and desire my husband in the middle of the night.  Half awake, but effective. Sleep made me feel sultry and dreamy.  My current Sleep relationship has songs playing over and over in my head and recipes that I didn't try yet.

Those are good nights.  The real struggling wrestling with my Sleep are the nights that play games with me.  I feel gentle Sleep approach and crawl on up on the bed with me.  Sleep will tuck in where they always stayed right in the middle of my chest all warm and radiating comfort.  I welcome Sleep and feel it again, my old friend, lover, comfort.  The Sleep Dog then appears out of nowhere within seconds and rattles me, shaking my shoulders and scratching at the skin of my legs.  worst of all my Dog Sleep knows how to talk and sounds just like me.  Talking to me.  

"Where is your birth certificate?"

"I hope Jack is alright, when did you hear from him last?"

"Why is your Christmas tree still up?"

"Your Mother is dead"

"You only have 4 more hours until the sun comes up, 3 hours, etc"

"What should I make for my book club ladies for this month when I host?"

"When will your heart give out?"

"Is Andy snoring or is that sleep apnea or worse?"

Where my Sleep would envelope me slowly as a cat trying to crawl onto the bed, my Old Dog Sleep is clumsy and hot and coughs and snorts and sputters.

SO what is a nearly 60 year old supposed to do with all of this.?  Medicate  yep that's what we do.

I cannot do hormone replacement because of heart disease so I have been moved to classified scheduled sleep aids.  They are great if you want to feel like the bone your Old Dog Sleep gnawed on all night, spongy and heavy soggy and slow.

I remember Mom telling me she couldn't sleep.  She would get up and make coffee and watch TV.  She would shower get dressed and tell herself she was done trying.  It just wasnt happening. lol.  Then when 9 am rolled around she couldn't keep her eyes open.  Such a battle, chasing a high as an addict would say, but the drug is the Sleep of our youth.

I often think of my old "Guy" who would watch me sleep, I wonder now if he didn't catch his Sleep and just liked to see how his old Sleep looked on me.  He was a tortured soul and had night terrors, he would wake screaming and fighting then roll out of bed to exercise....

H would pushup. jumping jack, stretch situps in the middle of the night.  counting loudly.

He was very fit!  I understand it now.  

As I wrap this up I want to pay homage to Flaming June.  I will forever look at her and remember the love affair I had with my Sleep.  She has been with me from day 1.  We had tangled and tangoed, we have snuggled and struggled.  I think of her every night and sometimes she will come to visit me for a while.  What do I expect everyone on my tour bus is getting old...  Sleep, Memory, Temperment.

The good news is a few of my other friends are getting older and wiser  Love, Appreciation and Gratitude.

If you still have your old Sleep, be grateful, it's lonely without them over here.