"Wait til you hear this" Times up

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Friday night I am hosting my book club.  I have been cooking and prepping for a week.  Firstly because we had snow and cooking has always been the thing to do while it snows.  Then compound with a crew of ladies coming to discuss a book at my house offers up to be a full blown exciting stress fest.  Yet still top notch cool.  This picture is the full container of blueberries for my blueberry buckle for book club.  on my dirty floor. I swept them all up and threw them out with my new broom.  The broom is a Christmas gift from Allie since my previous broom looked like 1972.  It is actually 2010.  which is still pretty old.  I missed two blueberries and apparently stepped on them which has now left a blue stain on the hardwood floor.  Not forever I would assume, but still notable.  The sound of the berries hitting the floor are just as you imagined a sweet plunk. plunk plunk plunk.
When I went to Amys Memorial service there were photos of us.  WHich led to sudden realization of where some of our HS photos were stashed.  Mom had made me a 50th photo album . She put a lot of the Amy pics in there.  As I looked at them it truly felt like seeing an old friend in myself.  Of course seeing Amy youg was familiar.  I never saw her or imagined her any other way.  SHe didn't age in my mind.  She still wore a bikininat the beach at nearly 60.  By the way she was gorgeous, her body was pristine and young.  Until the cancer killed her.  The Suzie of this picture was maybe a week after HS graduation.  We were at Liz B house drinking Heineken and smoking a few joints.  I was leaving from The Mountain very soon where I would work at the grocery store as a checker.  Then leave from Nursing School in August.  I was quite sure I wouldn't last the first semester but I wanted to at least try it.  My classmates at College thought I was a lesbian because my hair was so short when I arrived.  lol What a story there was there. I met with my AMSON roomies a few weeks back and we had a great time.  Reminiscing and sharing the losses we are all running into now that we are reaching 60.  Hellos baby Suzie.
Hello grown up Suzie.  I saw this artists work and it was very large.  I could obviously take this photo and it felt cool.  My face\her face. Her faraway very cool unaffected look.  I wanted it.

I want to be disconnected cool and faraway.  

My MOther has been gone long enough.  I have learned my lesson that I cant do a single day without her.  The blueberries would have made her howl with laughter.  I would have sent her the photo without a text and just let her figure out what she was seeing.  She would then call me laughing.  then we would laugh together.

The HS photo of me, "aw look at my girl"  

The idea of Amy being gone would devastate her.  She would be very upset about it.  If I go with the whole vibe ...... They are together somewhere catching up.  I like that visual.  The last time they saw each other, is a crazy story but so Amy.  AMy and Clint came to PA to visit me.  Andy and I were dating.  We went to the Par Four for dinner where we had lots of drinks.  We came home and Clint and Amy went to visit Mom and Dad up the street.  They were gone a long time.  close to 2 hours.  They had a great time laughing and reminiscing. A sweet memory.  Clint also passed a few years ago.  He was bad for her we all knew that.  But maybe the "other place" forgets the bad times and recognizes the sweet and kind in people only.

People have moved on from my Mom not being here.  I know everyone deals differently, I am not diminishing their grief but there are times that I want to yell out

When the fuck will this end.  I am hurting.  I cant go another day.  I need her. 

The blueberries, the old picture, Amy dying, The artwork.

Jack, Owen, Christmas, 2026 without her.  The Bayhouse. Sutton Lee her second great grandchild.

Your time is up Mom, you need to come home now.  Im trying very hard to keep going and be normal.  But my guts are torn up and my head is full of a list to tell her.  Nobody is right, nobody feels good. I'm looking for her comfort in everyone else and its not there.  

I've just decided Im over it, I am tired, I am full of grief and I need her back now.

RIGHTTTTTTTT NOWWWWWWW God dammit this fucking hateful emptiness is eating me up. 

I need therapy.  WTF
 

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