Flaming June's Love

I've had grandparents, only three of the genetic 4 but my 3 were exceptional.  I recall a great grandmother as well.  Not many memories but a do recall sitting in an overstuffed chair out the mountain with her.  They were safe, cozy, chill places with them. I never imagined them as "people" really as a child, they were just my NANA and POP and GRAM. I never worried about anything around them, they were a safe haven. Now I am a NANA. Am I possibly a safe haven for My Owen?  I want to be his cozy place, his safe place, the place he goes to just be away from whatever everyday thing could be creeping around. Am I able to be that person? I feel too selfish to be anyone elses safe haven, yet when he is near I only want to hold and love him.  Kiss his sweet face and smell his baby boy smells. I dont feel like the Nana.  I feel like the Mom that happens to have more baby.... from her baby. I see Owen almost every weekday for about 2 hours.  He is us...

Our boy has bilateral stress fractures of the Tibias. That means the shin bones of both lower legs have cracks in them. How, why, when?  So many times he complained of his shins hurting.  I chalked it up to shin splints from running.  We got him new running shoes with inserts and thought that would do the trick.  Obviously not.  I feel as though I missed it.  I should have been doing more, sooner.  I cant go back and change it.  I would give it to myself if I could. He now has the summer off from any strenuous activities.  ALong with any distance running.  He does not have Cancer. The thickening of the bone is soft tissue swelling and bone. I would ask anyone that loves me that if any of my children should die, put me out of my misery so I can be with them.  I always thought that the other 2 would have eachother, I would go with the one that passed.  Wherever they were I would want to be. Whether death is a long though...

There is fear of flying, fear of losing your house, fear of hair turning grey. Then there is FEAR.  The kind that will grab you by your gut in a split second and rip your breath away... Tomorrow will be a few tests that will prove our boy is 100% healthy specimen of an almost 13 year old.  If there was ever a time in my life that I've done something to bring illness to one of my children let me suffer 10 fold for it.  I accept that willingly, gratefully. Whatever mischief he may get into, let this remind me that I WILL TAKE IT. If you pray, or chant, or cast, please do it.  For my boy.  My wonder boy

Today is our 13th wedding anniversary. We went for dinner on saturday night, I got a lovely card. I also got a new (to me) convertible!!!  Its cute and will be driven around the Fort ALL SUMMER!!! But what would a wedding anniversary celebration be iff... just say.... 12th year was the hardest one yet. There were tears, and disagreements, and slammed doors, with alot of quiet hours? I imagine it could go one of two ways. 1.  We stay resentful, angry, hair trigger emotional bubbles. 2. We continue, on a daily basis let go... bit by bit... of those hurt feelings and what ifs?  I remain grateful, everyday for my Andy, his faithfulness to our family and home.  His ability to adapt and make things just happen and work.  With all of my ability to just give up and give in...  he stays on course with "family, love and commitment". So..Happy lucky number 13 to us. I remember the day we married I said to myself.. "If this isnt going to work I will kno...

I have always loved this osng. Everyday that passes makes me love my babes even more. If its even possible. I have been struggling with the inability to control things in my life. I want people, places, expereinces, feelings to all be the way I want them to be. Pretty sure thats normal, but I am used to being able to do that!  whether its by design or just will! Now that I am getting older I find that I'm not always in control anymore. I have to "Let go and let God." Yeah sounds great when you tell it to someone else but ... I dont like it now for myself. I dont want to "LET GO" No. I cant. I have overwhelming anxiety, like a voice in my head telling me "Screw it, youre dead soon anyway." Then my heart kicks inand says "What about my babes, Jack especially, and baby Owen?  AM I irreplaceable?  Can I just WANT them to get over me quickly and find the new normal?" Isn't this a description of the saddest Martyr ever? I...