my loves...

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I have always loved this osng.
Everyday that passes makes me love my babes even more.
If its even possible.
I have been struggling with the inability to control things in my life.
I want people, places, expereinces, feelings to all be the way I want them to be.
Pretty sure thats normal, but I am used to being able to do that!  whether its by design or just will!

Now that I am getting older I find that I'm not always in control anymore.
I have to "Let go and let God."
Yeah sounds great when you tell it to someone else but ...
I dont like it now for myself.
I dont want to "LET GO"
No.
I cant.
I have overwhelming anxiety, like a voice in my head telling me
"Screw it, youre dead soon anyway."
Then my heart kicks inand says
"What about my babes, Jack especially, and baby Owen?  AM I irreplaceable?  Can I just WANT them to get over me quickly and find the new normal?"
Isn't this a description of the saddest Martyr ever?
I dont want to be that person either.
Screw this heart, It makes me interesting, and different, and sometimes gives me character!
What is that scar?
Oh I have the heart of a 70 year old man since Im 38.
Yeah after giving birth to the most precious child on the planet.
This man has stood by my side ever since, and never ever has uttered a single regret about what happened or how this has played out for 15 years.
My girls, they I think have different opinions about it.
I know their lives would have turned out differently without all the "excitement", but I think we are alright now.
They love their brother, without single hesitation I know that.
So what is my point tonight?
None , nothing new, same old stuff new dilemma, new day.
Yet a fresshness to our reality of fragility of life.
I'll be the picture frame thats tilted
The smell of pumpkin or moonlight path
The cold side of the pillow
The coin in your shoe
An old song that just pops up.
Whether 30 years, 3 days, 3 hrs
I am with you, never ever letting go.

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