Flaming June's Love

The sun was out this morning, early spring sun was pouring in our shadeless bedroom window at 7 am.  After a night out with my Andy to the Karen Lavan Bokelman foundation celebration, I was feeling a bit foggy this am.  Yes, I drank beer and a vodka on the rocks in the middle of all the beer, it was well needed and deserved.  I laughed alot, smiled alot, chatted alot and felt kind of pretty.  It has been a rough, ROUGH two weeks with the boy.  Of course these weeks are not as bad as they used to be, but... Im a tired Mama bird when it comes to the EVERYDAY crap. That said-I had a chance to hang with my Andy last night.  I got to watch him interact with people that we like.  He chatted with his cousin Micheal who makes him happy and feel comfortable with.  I watched him from afar alot, just observing him while I collected tickets, or stood at the bar with a few people. He really is a beautiful person.  I was sitting with a woman named Cath...

Our home growing up was very, very small.  I don't recall it bothering me or being anything of an issue at the time.  But now as I look back I can only imagine the time my Mom had keeping it neat and tidy with 4 kids, a dog, and my Dad to deal with.  All of our "stuff". My room was painted a light pink, with bright raspberry trim.  My carpet was grey.  All my furniture was painted white.  I had a bedspread that was patchwork and everything had a place.  There was a closet in my room, but it was filled with my Moms clothes and shoes, hats, coats and belts. That door would only close and latch if you pushed hard and heard the click of the handle. Once it was shut, you wouldn't dare open it-for fear of the BOING of clothes! It was certainly neat, but JAMMED full of stuff. When I got in a mood, which didnt happen often I would climb into the closet and sit on the shoes.  Then pull the door closed behind me and wait for the click.  That mean...

Jack ducking in and out of this underpass.  I can see him there.  Acadia National Park-Maine. Pacific Coast Highway, in our small RV stopping along the way to admire the Pacific ocean.  Here we are at the Grand Canyon in Arizona, Can you see the blonde haired boy walking about at the bottom playing in the water?  Here we are hiding out in the playgrounds with other children of the world.  This is the begining of realizing that we are not the CENTER of the world, This earth will not stop turning for us, we need to stay connected to the rest of the planet... by choice... by action.. The monuments of our country are sitting and waiting for us to appreciate them.  I want to be there when the boy soaks them in.  Unless I make the decision to MOVE... and GO... and EXPLORE... they will be lost to me, and him. So if the motto I am supposed to be listening to is "We need to be the change we see in the world"  Then the change I want to see in the ...

“ Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.

“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.” ― Albert Camus Your darkest hours, saddest times, closed eyes cant get out of bed? We can conjure the sun on our face, the warm wind in our hair and the smell of hot dirt roads.  Maybe that will help?  I can see the bottom of the pool through foggy eyes stinging with chlorine, chest tight with the depth of the water, legs and arms pulling at the water to touch the bottom... only to scrape it with the tip of your finger and look up, up up up to the surface sun and blue shrouded by the waves of the surface.  pop on through to the deep breath. I need the deep breath.. I want to close my eyes to the brightness and listen tot he sounds of summer. An invincible summer. I

“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.” ― Ernest Hemingway It doesnt happen often,but when it does, it is heavy. When I get down, I can go way way down. 1000 pounds down. Just when you start to think you have it all together, someone changes the rules. That someone can be an actual person, or GOD, or the kosmos. Somehow I find myself , again, doubting it all. Mothering, friendships, marriage. Everything. I want to "bleed" all over this page tonight, but cant. Tired of the "it will get better, dont worry about me."

I remember this moment, telling myself to look ahead at my soon to be husband.  I had been to weddings where the bride was looking at who was there,  almost waving to their audience.  I didnt want that this day.  I looked for Tim, and eyed him with as much love I could muster.  I think you can see it.  My Dad.. well he was I think was trying his hardest not to cry.  I imagine him looking at my Mother, straight ahead, with Love in his heart for both me and the family they had created together.  I remember holding his arm, intentionally tight.. so he would never ever forget this moment.  This is Love. How fortunate am i to have known them all.....? Make me sweaty, butterflies in my stomach, cant wait to see you Love. I don't want to know life without you, I think about your well being, and your smile really makes my day, kind of love. I've had Love that came in all forms, the kissing at red lights, missing the greens, Stay awake all nig...