Flaming June's Love

Today is Fathers day... and you know what.... Its ok. I am watching my husband play with our son all day and it reminds me that...life goes on. Yeah my Dad isnt here, but that is destined to happen. Im sorry about it, sad, but Im ok. Andy is out now with Jack to the park, (before the rain hits AGAIN) Then to Lowes for some much needed MAN time with tools and tractors. My girls are not in such a good place today though. My exes mother is very ill and home in VA dying of Cancer. He is understandably in a very bad place here in PA> My girls called and asked him to do something with them today but he declined. I am sorry he is not behaving the way they need him to be. He has his own demons. Andy's father didnt answer the phone this am when he called to wish him a Happy Father day. I think that is better for him in the long run. When ANdy called him for his Birthday he told Andy he could nt talk he was very busy. OK Dad Happy Birthday anyway. Yeah, not cool. So today is about Fat...

Quickie post because miss Suzie Ass is a draggin. Wedding last night and the Big GUy and I had a great time. We danced and laughed and I got to get dressed up. We hung out with some old friends and I of course drank too much. Not a hot mess Suzie, just a laughing, silly, (Lil hornygirl)Suzie. We got home at 2 ish and really had fun. This morning though, not so much. Headache, dizziness, sick to my stomach. I guess vodka tonics in excess of 7 in a night is too much. Anyway we had a great time and its all good. Had sushi with my girls and my best bud Jo tonight. I feel better after a night with her. I dont know for sure why I feel better but the down time with her is so easy. I can be really myself with her because she understands I am a quirky oddball and its ok. She in turn is also so we have perfect symbiosity. (Hows it that word) I want to put pictures up but I am tired and want to go to bed and truly sleep. Just one song efore I go to sleep. Love to all.

Sunsets on the back deck watching my favorite tree change colors and dance in the breeze. Open windows at night. The smell of a new babies head while they sleep in your arms. Warm clothes from the dryer. Brand new ideas. Clean sheets that are cold. My husbands huge hands on my body as we sleep. My daughters laughing, about anything. My sons first words every morning, "Mom? Mommy?! MMMMOOOOMMMMMYY!" The front porch at the mountain house. My first drink of coffee in the morning. Potstickers My teacups, i love each of them as a little piece of art. The back porch at my old house. The piano I should have taken with us. First day of school. When my students really learn something totally new. Old people in Love. ALL Of Missi's homemade cards. Finding money in pockets. flowers that actually grow for me. Smell of fresh cut grass. Allies sense of humor. The brown stripe through my sons bright blue eyes. The first snowfall. Christmas, but just the preparation not so much the actu...

A friend of mine reminded me of this movie today at school. I remember we were living on the farm when the whole phenomenon hit. It was almost a call to the housewives and mothers of the world to rethink their "happiness". Well, lets see, Am I happy? In the grand scheme of things yes I was happy. I was 26 two kids married on a farm not working at the time, married to a workaholic husband that was always legit tired. No I wasnt happy everyday, but I didnt know any better I dont think. I dont think I thought of life being any other way. Then this movie hit and I believed in LOVE. That crazy, lose your mind momentarily, destiny, soul mate schtick. The problem for me at the time was that I didnt feel as though I was truly worthy of this kind of LOVE. Oh sure Tim loved me, but not like Robert Loved Francesca in the MOVIE> So what do you do? I chose to investigate the whole LOVE POTENTIAL, I tested the theory of there is a true Love for everyone. So I looked into the eye...

I get run over by guilt and sometimes it is tangible. I feel physical waves of heavy, that last seconds but are real nonetheless. I hope he forgives me someday for not doing more, but I am in the acceptance stage of our journey of letting go. If my aches of "YOURAFUCKUP" Suzie hit me less and less then I am succeeding. I still surprise myself with the flashes of reality( He is gone)and then other times it all seems "normal". Either way my favorite month that I have such a tumultuous Love/HAte relationship with is right around the corner (August) I am now preparing for that by begining it with my broken heart video. WARNING do not watch if you have an ounce of feeling for you will CRY. Cathartic that no one is alone in their pain, but painful all the same.

Went to Philly again today for Temple stuff with the Allie girl. I love her. I want her to be happy and to feel as though she is going to make a difference in this world. I know she made a difference i the world just by being in it, but I feel the world needs to know she is here. So here is to second tries, and third tries and fourth if need be, because the reward of effort is in the everyday. If it takes her five years to get where she wants to be, I will be right there doing what I can to help. A quick note about my Dad. I think of him all the time. What would he say about this decision? or this choice? The daily grind and childrearing is always on my mind. I think today it hit me, These small everyday things that we do have changed the outcome of everything. You cant predict how or what things may have been IF HE WAS HERE If I had suggested a different course of treatment when I could have he might have been here, but in what state of mind or health? Those choices were gui...