Flaming June's Love

I get run over by guilt and sometimes it is tangible. I feel physical waves of heavy, that last seconds but are real nonetheless. I hope he forgives me someday for not doing more, but I am in the acceptance stage of our journey of letting go. If my aches of "YOURAFUCKUP" Suzie hit me less and less then I am succeeding. I still surprise myself with the flashes of reality( He is gone)and then other times it all seems "normal". Either way my favorite month that I have such a tumultuous Love/HAte relationship with is right around the corner (August) I am now preparing for that by begining it with my broken heart video. WARNING do not watch if you have an ounce of feeling for you will CRY. Cathartic that no one is alone in their pain, but painful all the same.

Went to Philly again today for Temple stuff with the Allie girl. I love her. I want her to be happy and to feel as though she is going to make a difference in this world. I know she made a difference i the world just by being in it, but I feel the world needs to know she is here. So here is to second tries, and third tries and fourth if need be, because the reward of effort is in the everyday. If it takes her five years to get where she wants to be, I will be right there doing what I can to help. A quick note about my Dad. I think of him all the time. What would he say about this decision? or this choice? The daily grind and childrearing is always on my mind. I think today it hit me, These small everyday things that we do have changed the outcome of everything. You cant predict how or what things may have been IF HE WAS HERE If I had suggested a different course of treatment when I could have he might have been here, but in what state of mind or health? Those choices were gui...

The first pic is Allie and her new guy. Kendall. I think he is a sweet, full hearted man. He is physically strong and handsome, but the longer he is around I realize he is more beautiful inside. He listens, remembers and enjoys talking to all of us. Most of all he is totally in LOVE with JAAAACK!!! The play like boys play and he wnats to be with him. If he doesnt he sure hidws it well. Jack in turn acts with him a way I have never seen before. He listens to kendall and enjoys his company. He is gentle and the strong man cuddles and hugs and kisses Jack. I love it. The pics of my SASSY ASS Girls was their trip to Granny's. They are beautiful and funny and really really cool. I love them more than words.

Well the sun is surely sinking down But the moon is slowly rising So this old world must still be spinning round And I still love you (chorus) So close your eyes You can close your eyes, its all right I dont know no love songs And I cant sing the blues anymore But I can sing this song And you can sing this song When Im gone It wont be long before another day We gonna have a good time And no ones gonna take that time away You can stay as long as you like - chorus - I am missing my Dad. My husband gave me an amazing Birthday present this year. As usual he thinks of me. Not what other people are thinking or expect, but what makes me happy. He went to the new owners of my Mom and Dads house and bought the chairs that sat around the kitchen bar. We spent endless hours at those seats. Talked about everything and lived life in those chairs. Now they are in my kitchen. My dad sat in that chair for hours a day. My Mom sat next to him. They had their dinners in those chairs. Watched thei...

Tomorrow I will wake up and BE 43 years old. I will officially BE HERE 4 years longer... I turned 39 then it all changed. But then again it didnt. I thought when I turned 40 my life was really changing, or moreso I was really changing. My family had a surprise off the cuff party for me. In my Mom and Dads yard. Andy got me a bicycle with a seat on the back for Jack and we were riding that afternoon. As we rode past Nana and Pops house I stopped THERE... because I did that numerous times a day. Just stopped and walked in.. We stopped and my girls were on the porch with my parents and Maryellen and Jackie and a few other friends. I was so happy and surprised and proud. Proud that I was even HERE since It was one year longer than I should have been at that point. Now I am HERE. HERE wherever that is. And should be THERE, wherever THERE is. He is THERE... Maryellen is THERE... I need to be more like THEN, than NOW.. and be happy to be ME, instead of THEM. 43 isn't so bad. I am...

I heard this somewhere on the life road, it wasnt til Andy reminded me of his favorite usage of it, Smokey and the bandit movie. OK say that is my reference point. My application for the ditty? well I have about 50 pounds to lose before Novembers 25th reunion for HS. Yeah I know I should be concerned about being healthy, blahblahblah. I want to look, at least, good. We went away to NY state. ANdy Jack and I. It was truly nice. We didnt argue, Jack was good and I was not feeling overwhelmed at all. Then we get home and all shit hell breaks loose. Details too many, but just stupid piss me off shit. Either way, I am still here, married and a mother. pictures attached from our trip.