Flaming June's Love

I feel like my head is too heavy for my body. I want to lay down and never get up. I feel like a failure, an idiot and hopeless. I have totally fucked up a totally good life I was given and fucked it up in all aspects possible. I have images of driving too fast, I have images of making a "bad" decision. I just want to sleep, for a very long long time.

Ruby dropped me a note and said I have been quiet. I guess so. I have been good nothing bad, nothing terrible. I cannot find my digital camera. I am sure it is somewhere in the house if the boy grabbed it and then it is gone til he is 18 Im sure. My other thought is that it is gone for good. I remember having it out on the porch taking pics of the for sale sign. Yeah that long ago. i havent seen it since. Those of you that know me know that I love my camera. I have a hard time posting blogger without it. I last wrote when I was pining away for tickets to So You think you can dance. I wasnt really pining but disappointed. My girl Allie called last Thursday and let me know she got us tickets. With her own money. I was so honored she did that on her own> So Oct 12th she and I will be at Penn state to see All the dancers.. I am so psyched. I chose paints for the house. Yup every room. Talk about stressful.

Thanks to my dear friend Ruby for thinking of me at the show last night. I wanted to go and see them all in person but didnt have willing or passionate participant. I would rather not go and enjoy other peoples experience than go with someone that I would have to worry about them being bored or hating every minute of it. Ruby was so kind to take some pics from her AMAZING seats obviously.

OK so here is a story for my friend Ruby. She seems to always get the nutty neighbors and I yes I have the predictable, gentle, thoughtful ones. NOT TODAY!!!!!! There is a woman that lives on the corner of our street, she is in a two family house alongside an alley. Those of you from Alleyless neighborhoods or states they are single lane roads that run behind homes for access to garages and streets whenever necessary. Most of all THEy ARE PUBLIC ROADS!!! OK In the past the girls and I have driven down this alley to get to the whatever.. crossstreet. Legal, accessible, predictable. There is the woman who we will call, hmm bottz, sitting in her yard, porch, streetside smoking cigarettes and waving her arms around at people driving by. One day we drove through the alley and she threw a bicycle at us. yup she had to move a bike out of the PUBLIC road and was pissed. She truly believes this alley belongs to her. I am the first to defend my kids, and then again I am usually the first t...

Top pic of Missi cuz I love her Next few of the cabinets in the kitchen about to be installed. The last pic is the sitting area in our bedroom, note the tray ceiling yeah i love it. I am so terribly confused.

OK I shouldnt be saying this out loud but I am really really nervous. I put the For Sale sign out yesterday at 4 pm I now have had two calls already for it and someone coming tomorrow at 10 am. I am asking an extremely low amount for the house because I want it sold quickly without the realtor involvement and just pay what I owe with enough to but some furniture for the house. I might have 5 grand left over, maybe. OK here is the kicker. I am selling the last thing that is mine. I will have no plan B Nothing to fall back on if THINGS dont work out. Women readers really know what I mean. Men readers... oh if any.. (Other than ANdy occasionaly) not so much. I am not committed to the relationship, I am a doubter, I dont trust, I am a pessimist. uhhhh,,, yes,... yes and yes,, and yup/. I love my husband and dont want anything to happen to us. I also love my children and myself enough to know that I will NEVER EVER BE WITHOUT THEM> Without any money, no income to speak of and parta...