Flaming June's Love

mom made me put this one in. but she really means... This is pure gold. PURE GOLD I SAY! I know,I'm so witty... bathe in my wit. BATHE IN IT! BATHE IN IT I SAY!

I wuffles my girls. They make me gigglesnort. oh,I lol my pants sometimes too. They need to buy me new pants every time they do that. damn kids. *old person mode* mommy won't let me type anything else. poopie. D:

^ watch. :3

This is the print going over our fireplace at the new house. I feel this way. His hands on me, his face in my neck I close my eyes and breathe him in. He holds me up above the ground almost weightless. Close my eyes and I see colors with him. Why? Because he is My Love. He is dark and strong and intense. I feel safe, warm loved and small.

How funny is that I have written down my thoughts 199 times right here. I started I think in Oct. I am now almost full circle. My Mom and I and our cousin went to lunch today. We sat at Olive Garden for two and a half hours. Obviously not eating anymore but talking. Not one word about Dad. I guess too close to the surface for all of us. One year ago tonight we were at home without having to go back to the hospital to visit. He was not there. I left the hospital that morning just wanting to take him with us . I told my brothers that I hated leaving him there alone. They werent going to treat him like a man anymore. He was Just a number now. I took alot of Ativan this day one year ago. I dont really remember the whole thing after we came home from the hospital. I called Andy he was on the road in Vermont and he came home and was there by 8 that night. I spent the whole day with the boys and my Mom. Then the parade started. People came that I didnt know. Food was everywhere. ...

My Dad is dead. truly gone and not coming back whether it is one year to the day or twenty. I want to have FAITH. Faith is supposed to be where you believe in something without needing actual proof. Do I have FAITH in the idea that I will someday see my Dad again and hear him say tha he forgives me for whatever I may have done wrong in his care. My family has all reassured me that I did everything right. I did all the checks and balances I was capable of at the time. I think I knew he wouldnt survive. I remember my mom calling and saying dad had a slight heart attack but was fine and just sitting in the er waiting to go home. I left my house and told Andy I am not ready to lose him. How the whole thing fell apart before my eyes is incomprehendible at times. I have had moments in the past year when I have had thoughts of his death and it takes my breath away. Far from awestruck but mortified. He lay there when the nurse and I took the breathing tube out. I wiped his face and mouth...

I havent written and probably because I dont have alot going on. The girls are well. Missi is still at camp. She snuck a phonecall on Mon night from her cabin and she was sounding happy. Allie is fine she is at a state park today swimming with her friends. Jack is here sleeping next to me and he is well. Andy is finally home from Army camp and has been home all week. I think this is the longest stretch of home time in almost a year. We have had no arguments nor disagreements all week. So I am happy about that. The weather has been an unbearable hot and humid. I have had the boy in the pool almost everyday. He loves it. The house is coming along and the front door is on it. Beautiful. I hope toget back into the swing of writing. It is usually cathartic but with someone else home for a few days I dotnfeel the need as much to vent to total strangers LOL.