Ok to the truth....
My Dad is dead. truly gone and not coming back whether it is one year to the day or twenty.
I want to have FAITH.
Faith is supposed to be where you believe in something without needing actual proof.
Do I have FAITH in the idea that I will someday see my Dad again and hear him say tha he forgives me for whatever I may have done wrong in his care.
My family has all reassured me that I did everything right. I did all the checks and balances I was capable of at the time. I think I knew he wouldnt survive.
I remember my mom calling and saying dad had a slight heart attack but was fine and just sitting in the er waiting to go home. I left my house and told Andy I am not ready to lose him.
How the whole thing fell apart before my eyes is incomprehendible at times.
I have had moments in the past year when I have had thoughts of his death and it takes my breath away. Far from awestruck but mortified.
He lay there when the nurse and I took the breathing tube out. I wiped his face and mouth, combed his white hair back and cleaned his nose of the gunk that had collected there. I then asked for Mom and my brothers to come on in.
Dads eyes were more open at this moment than they had been in almost three weeks. He actually had a confused expression on his face. We stood about his bed and he made the first audible noise without a tube in his throat.
He was gurgling. drowning. open mouth no movement of air. He shot looks around at all of us and we said we loved him and to just let go. I was at his left shoulder holding a washcloth to his mouth because his lips were bleeding and I didnt want my mom to see that. I asked the nursr for more Valium and she gave it.
I brushed his hair back and realized how soft his white hair was. White hair is usually wiry. But his was soft and fine. But a full head of hair.
His blue eyes were as blue as ever but had broken vessels and yellowing from liver failure. He knew we were there.
My brothers cried. the men of my life were boys again. crying weeping and professing love for a father that sacrificed everything for them. I remember Rick saying go ahead Dad we will be ok, You get everything ready and we will see you soon. I will miss you but we will take care of Mom and Suzie.
It was the most beautiful heart breaking thing I have ever imagined.
We all talked to him at the same time. whispering words of love, encouragement, bravery, peaceful rest.
I smiled as best I could into his eyes. I stayed inches from his face and smiled and whispered words I cant remember.
He turned gruesome colors of grey and blue as his oxygen dropped. He made sounds of a washer overloaded with soap and water sucking out the dirt.
His mouth opened and sucked for air but only made the sound of air through a cocktail straw.
There was more morphine and Valium.
How long this went on I dont know.
Maybe ten minutes.
I remember wishing it would end.
Then wishing It didnt.
Now. The truth.
I need to get over this. I cant. My friend said I have to get over it because his spirit or soul wont be at peace unless I do so.
OK I want to let go. I want to let go, and move on from the visuals and guilt.
I died August 18th 2005. He died August 9th 2006.
He told me a few days after my surgery he would give his life for mine in a second I told him thank you. He did that. I am here I think because of him. How do I live like that.
I have lost 12 pounds.
I dont want him to see me again fat.
I gained weight after surgery from not smoking. I gained weight after his death from grief. Now I am trying to lose so I can live longer.
What does it all mean.
I went to B&N tonight to fine "the book" with the ansers to why, where, how, when.
It wasnt there.
I need truth in my life. I spent many years lying to myself and others about what and who I am and was. Now I just am. Definition? unknown.
The greatest love until my husband was Amy.
What does that mean. ?
Why talk about that now?
I want to have FAITH.
Faith is supposed to be where you believe in something without needing actual proof.
Do I have FAITH in the idea that I will someday see my Dad again and hear him say tha he forgives me for whatever I may have done wrong in his care.
My family has all reassured me that I did everything right. I did all the checks and balances I was capable of at the time. I think I knew he wouldnt survive.
I remember my mom calling and saying dad had a slight heart attack but was fine and just sitting in the er waiting to go home. I left my house and told Andy I am not ready to lose him.
How the whole thing fell apart before my eyes is incomprehendible at times.
I have had moments in the past year when I have had thoughts of his death and it takes my breath away. Far from awestruck but mortified.
He lay there when the nurse and I took the breathing tube out. I wiped his face and mouth, combed his white hair back and cleaned his nose of the gunk that had collected there. I then asked for Mom and my brothers to come on in.
Dads eyes were more open at this moment than they had been in almost three weeks. He actually had a confused expression on his face. We stood about his bed and he made the first audible noise without a tube in his throat.
He was gurgling. drowning. open mouth no movement of air. He shot looks around at all of us and we said we loved him and to just let go. I was at his left shoulder holding a washcloth to his mouth because his lips were bleeding and I didnt want my mom to see that. I asked the nursr for more Valium and she gave it.
I brushed his hair back and realized how soft his white hair was. White hair is usually wiry. But his was soft and fine. But a full head of hair.
His blue eyes were as blue as ever but had broken vessels and yellowing from liver failure. He knew we were there.
My brothers cried. the men of my life were boys again. crying weeping and professing love for a father that sacrificed everything for them. I remember Rick saying go ahead Dad we will be ok, You get everything ready and we will see you soon. I will miss you but we will take care of Mom and Suzie.
It was the most beautiful heart breaking thing I have ever imagined.
We all talked to him at the same time. whispering words of love, encouragement, bravery, peaceful rest.
I smiled as best I could into his eyes. I stayed inches from his face and smiled and whispered words I cant remember.
He turned gruesome colors of grey and blue as his oxygen dropped. He made sounds of a washer overloaded with soap and water sucking out the dirt.
His mouth opened and sucked for air but only made the sound of air through a cocktail straw.
There was more morphine and Valium.
How long this went on I dont know.
Maybe ten minutes.
I remember wishing it would end.
Then wishing It didnt.
Now. The truth.
I need to get over this. I cant. My friend said I have to get over it because his spirit or soul wont be at peace unless I do so.
OK I want to let go. I want to let go, and move on from the visuals and guilt.
I died August 18th 2005. He died August 9th 2006.
He told me a few days after my surgery he would give his life for mine in a second I told him thank you. He did that. I am here I think because of him. How do I live like that.
I have lost 12 pounds.
I dont want him to see me again fat.
I gained weight after surgery from not smoking. I gained weight after his death from grief. Now I am trying to lose so I can live longer.
What does it all mean.
I went to B&N tonight to fine "the book" with the ansers to why, where, how, when.
It wasnt there.
I need truth in my life. I spent many years lying to myself and others about what and who I am and was. Now I just am. Definition? unknown.
The greatest love until my husband was Amy.
What does that mean. ?
Why talk about that now?
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