Flaming June's Love

A dear friend made a quick observation that with my "awakening" of the good things in my life since being rid of the fog, I may discover an elephant sitting in the middle of the room that hadnt noticed before. Good bad or indifferent it is still an elephant. Here is the thing about the elephant..... I chose the elephant, I wanted the elephant, I fought for the elephant. Now I MIGHT realize I prefer small sweet animals, maybe a quiet little meerkat or leemer or maybe go big and want a chimp. Who the hell asks for a fucking elephant. I think the only people that ask for elephants are the ones that LIKE being overtaken and overshadowed by the huge animal. Elephants are gentle and usually dont attack but the way I understand if you piss them off they will kill you and not think twice about it. They are herbivores but still have monstrous teeth. They will step on you and not feel a single crunch. They charge at you and you dont know what to do but stand still and hope they mis...

Why I titled this pos that I dont know. My brother Rick who lives in New Mexico decided to come in for a quick vacation in PA. My brother Dan is here from Syracuse for the girls confirmation which was last night. Brother Dave is coming in tomorrow for a few days to get the cottage open for the summer. OK do you see a pattern here? We are all together this weekend for the first time since Pop died. Dan and I picked up Rick at the Airport today and there was a funny feeling. If I hug him too long I will cry. If I dont hug him I feel like I am missing something. Today we were all together except Dave for the day. No one mentioned my Dad. The boys got the lawnmowers running and got moms grass cut and groomed. It took all day. We didnt mention HIM once. I think we all realize how close to the surface emotions are and we dont go there. Rick looks old. Since last I saw him he looks wrinkly. Dan looks great, he has been running and lifting weights and of course looks about 25...

Growing up I had probably the smallest yet loveliest bedroom in NJ. My room was painted light pink with the most amazing hot pink trim. The floor was hardwood and the bedroom furniture wasnt a "set" but they were all painted to match. My bed was against the wall and the foot of the bed was at the window. My Mom would come in before I fell asleep and sit at the edge and we would say prayers together. Typical Our Father, Hail Mary, and then the "God Blesses" I would God Bless everyone. I didnt want her to leave. I would end up blessing the neighbors, my teachers, the animals I knew and didnt know. And then last but not least we would say. "And God bless Suzie and help make her a good girl." That was the end of the day. I would close the day by praying to be a good girl. I remembered that the other night as I said prayers with Jack. I also could smell rain long before it arrived. Missi said last night its gonna rain soon. The sky was clear no c...

My hormones are out of control. I think I am going through puberty again. I didnt realize how much my sex drive was affected. Dear lord this guy is hot.

I know my Paxil is wearing off for sure now. I had a coffee fit this am. Yup the kind I used to have when Allie my non sleeping, constant screaming Pain in the ass baby was still a baby. My first husband was a coffee drinker so there was some sympathy. This husband has no clue what full blown addict ion is all about. The closest he got was his Snapple affair he kicked over lent this year. LOL First story first, I couoldnt get my shot together when Allie was a baby. I was breast feeding her but felt that I was still fat, so I went on a coffee diet. NOT GOOD. Breast feeding an infant while mom is on a caffeine diet. I am lucky she is not brain damaged! I was 22 YO so cut me a little slack "perfect mommy readers". This am Jack is calm cool collected, I do the routine, bottle bowl of cheerios and snuggle him up on the ocuch for his goodies and a bit of Barney. I then head for my best friend in the whole wide world before 7 am. Beautiful white, with the brown spatters o...

Did you ever see the movie with Robin Williams? people with sleeping disease, given medication and they wake up? Well Suzie is waking up! 2001- Suzie realizes that her husband of so many years never really loved her, how did she find this out? He told her. He realized after 9?11 that he didnt want his life to end without knowing real love so he wanted to give his relationship a chance with a girl from work. OK so I was always the one with the upper hand in the relationship I THOUGHT. He loved me, just didnt know how to express it. Nope- he just didnt express it cuz he didnt have it for me. I was reeling, I had spent many years believing that he was shallow in the feeling dept and I was going to bring him out. I guess my broken heart came from believing that I was tricked, fooled, decieved for 15 years. Long story I went to my Dr. she and I are on a first name basis because we became friends years before. I lost 15 pounds in two weeks and couldnt stop shaking. She prescribed Paxi...

Quick post about the loss in VA The parents that lost their babies on Monday loved their children as much as I love my own. How do you survive this. I have been praying, in my way of praying. Talking to, Whispering to, crying to, somehow give these families with their loss so immense and immeasurable some peace. Some quiet in their hearts and souls about their loss and the life they will try to go on with. I am struck down with my own changes and feelings lately of change and loss of control. I have to look to others and their burdens in order to take some inventory of my blessings. I decided to keep living, literally continue breathing for these children of mine and the thought of losing one of them is far too much to bear.